Monthly Archives: October 2008

Published: October 31, 2008

What should I do #12: Nation

I would like to take a moment of your time to talk to you about a book.

(The US cover for the book. It looks cooler in other places.)

I’ve been a fan of Terry Pratchett’s for years. He’s a truly magnificent writer. One of the best. This cannot be argued.

Still, I have to admit that I picked up this book with more than a little hesitation.

The problem was that I knew this book wasn’t going to be set in Discworld, so I was nervous. Also, I was a little disappointed, because I love Discworld. It’s like a place that I get to visit on vacation once or twice a year. I look forward to those visits, and because of that, I was ready to be let down by this non-Discworld story.

I shouldn’t have worried. This is quite possibly Pratchett’s best book yet. Reading it, I laughed aloud in public. Finishing it, I cried.

This is probably the best book that I’ve read in years. Maybe the best book I’ve read in forever. I’ve already ordered a half-dozen copies so I can give them away as gifts.

Buy it. Read it. Love it. This book is like a kiss from god.

pat

Posted in recommendations | By Pat34 Responses
Published: October 28, 2008

Hugging and Monkey Love

Hello everyone. Sorry for the radio silence here on the blog. I’ve been busy writing and getting together a project that I’m going to be announcing here in a couple of days.

However, rather than leave a gaping hole of not-blog, I’ve decided to post up some back-in-the-day writing. Specifically, a satirical advice column called “Your College Survival Guide” that I used to publish in the local paper. It was a delicious blend of demented ravings, bad advice, black bile, with just a tiny garnish of truth.

Fair warning: The tone of the College Survival Guide is different than what you might be used to here on the blog. It’s different than my novel too. Different audience + different purpose = different style. So don’t assume that I’ve had a psychotic break.

And if you don’t know what satire is, you might want to look it up before you read the column. It might help prevent confusion….

Anyway, here’s one I wrote a couple years back. Enjoy.

*****

Hello Young Rothfuss,

How you do amuse me from time to time with your silly column… it really is the best read I’ve come across in a long time.

I’ve been wondering about men lately. In particular, boyfriends. I’ve been asking my gaggle of girlfriends why women have attachment issues. (That’s not your question) I want to know why most males in a relationship like to play games with their bitches (i.e. “I’m not gonna call her for a couple of days to see if she cracks and calls me first… A HA!”) OR if they just deal with distance better than us women.

My friend and I call our condition, the “Kiss and Cuddle” syndrome. The only reason we go back to our loser boyfriends is cuz we want to hold them and kiss them and squeeze them until their heads pop off “wike kwazy widdle cutie pootie wootie puppies!” I’m rambling now, but why why why does my boyfriend (who lives in Minneapolis) NOT CALL ME, GODDAMN IT!!!????

— Anitra

Well Anitra, I have a good answer to your letter. Actually, I have two good answers. Luckily, due to psychotic break brought about by midterm stress, I have two fully-formed personalities willing to give you their opinions on this issue.

Evil Pat’s Response.

So, why are guys thoughtless, callous, game-playing jerks? Simple, Anitra, because that’s what you women have trained us to be.

Let me explain this with a story. Imagine that you’re a young boy, and like most young boys, you’re a Nice Guy: innocent, polite, and considerate. You meet Julie. She’s smart, funny, and pretty. You become friends and slowly but surely you realize you’re in love with her.

So you join forensics because she’s on the team. You cheer her on when she tries out for the swim team. Soon you’re talking on the phone for hours at a stretch, really getting to know her.

But while you’re investing time and energy into building an emotional and intellectual bond with Julie, some basketball player asks her to the prom. She says yes, because he’s a junior, and he has his own car. Plus he’s got an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. Let’s call him Chad.

Then Chad proceeds to treat Julie like crap, because he doesn’t know the first thing about her. But for some reason she clings to him like he’s the last life preserver on the Titanic. And all the while, there you are, her friend and confidante. Every night you’re on the phone, listening while she cries about how obnoxious and thoughtless he is. But she forgives him because she’s in love, right?

Then it slowly dawns on you. Julie will never be your girlfriend. Why? Well, given the overwhelming evidence, Julie doesn’t want a boy who listens to her thoughts and feelings. Julie wants a cretin with a nice ass. Guys like Chad get all the lovin‘. Guys like you are the equivalent of an emotional tampon. End of story.

Now if you’re a Really Nice Guy you move on with your innocence intact. Then you meet a girl called Erica. Lather, rinse, repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

And after you slide down this emotional razorblade about a dozen times, you know what you get? You get me. I’m not nice anymore. Over the years I’ve molded myself into an arrogant bastard of such vast proportions that women find me irresistible. And you know what? It works great. You can get radiation burns from the amount of raw animal magnetism I throw off.

And now you’re complaining that your guy doesn’t call you? Get bent, chicky. You women have made your collective bed, and now you have to lie in it. Alone.

Nice Pat’s Response.

Well Anitra, your letter reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend about a week ago. She told me that she liked getting massages. More than that, she considered them essential for her emotional well-being, especially when she was in-between boyfriends. She went on to explain that she thought touching and being touched was a vital part of being a primate.

Which means, in a nutshell, that she feels like her inner monkey occasionally needs to be loved.

Personally, I couldn’t agree more. I think that deep down we all have basic monkey urges. Do you remember that experiment we all learned about in psychology 101? The one where the baby monkey had to choose between two fake mommy monkeys? Given the choice between a non-cuddly chicken wire mom that had milk, and a furry fake-mom that didn’t have any milk, the baby monkey always chose the furry mom. It goes to show how important this cuddling impulse is to us primate types.

So to answer your question, Anitra, I decided to perform an expanded version of this experiment. I added a balsa-wood monkey with a cookie and a handgun; a sheet-metal monkey that gives out bong hits; and a monkey made entirely out of Cool-Ranch Doritos that gets drunk and burns you with cigarettes.

Anyway to make a long story short, I never got around to finding a baby monkey to experiment on. Apparently you need a permit or something for that. But I CAN tell you that my favorite was the razorwire monkey with a tazer that dispensed sweet, sweet, methadone. I still sleep with it at night.

So what’s the moral to the story? Shit. I have no idea. Scientists hate monkeys, I guess. There’s your moral. I’m outta here.

pat

Posted in BJ Hiorns Art, College Survival Guide | By Pat33 Responses
Published: October 22, 2008

I’m Kind of a Big Deal (in Germany)

So the German edition of the book came out just a couple of weeks ago.

(As always – guest starring my thumb)

The book has serious heft. Good paper. Good binding. It is, in a word, gorgeous.

Holding this book in my hand made me realize that over in Germany, they consider my story fairly high-class. It make me realize that over there, I might even be considered literature.

There have been hints of this all through the publishing process. First, the publisher itself is very prestigious. (So they tell me.) Klett-Cotta carries very few fantasy authors, including luminaries like Tolkien and Peter S. Beagle. Klett-Cotta also assigned a very skilled translator to the job, which is always a good sign that they’re taking things seriously.

But that’s not what convinced me I might be thought of as literary over there.

Another big indicator was when someone from Germany came out to interview me. My first thought was, “Who did this poor guy piss off at work? How low on the totem pole in do you have to be before they send you to interview some newbie fantasy author in Middle-of-Nowhere Wisconsin?”

But it turns out the interviewer was Denis Scheck. I didn’t know it while the interview was taking place, but he’s actually a celebrity over in Germany. You know how Siskel and Ebert were celebrities because they reviewed movies? Well over in Germany, apparently, they care about books. Because of this, they also care about the people who read books.

Yeah, I know. Weird.

Anyway, while I didn’t know this guy was a celebrity, I figured out pretty quickly that he wasn’t there because he was getting punished. He was there because he was really, really good at his job. I’ve done a lot of interviews over the last year, and I’ll admit that by the time he showed up, I’d gotten a little blase about it.

But when he started talking, I realized he was playing the game at a whole different level. He was really clever, talking about things no interviewer had ever brought up before, asking questions I’d never been asked. Asking questions that I’d never even *considered *before. I remember at least one occasion where my answer was: “Wow. That’s a great question…. I have absolutely no idea how to answer it.”

If you’re interested (and can read German) his review is up over here. Or if you’re monolingual like me, you can click on the link *below* the interview to see a video clip of Denis talking about the book on his television show. Personally, I thought it was pretty cool even though I only know enough German to catch about a third of what he’s saying.

But back to my previous point. Even after I found out who Denis Scheck was, I didn’t realize that over there my book might be considered literary.

The fact that they converted my author photo black-and-white was a good indicator….

(Click to embiggen)

Why? Because black-and-white is classy. It’s arty. It’s posh. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fond of my blue photo. But you have to admit that it makes me look like a Muppet, or a character out of a Harry Potter movie. But in B&W I look, if not distinguished, then withing spitting distance of respectable.

Or within spitting distance of being the sort of person who would never use the term, “within spitting distance.”

Still, none of these things are what convinced me. This is what did it:

That’s right. One of those built-in ribbon bookmarks. So genteel. So suave. Nothing screams sophistication like a ribbon bookmark. It’s the textual equivalent of wearing a silk smoking jacket and speaking with an Oxford accent. It is, in fact, dead sexy.

Today, my friends, I join the ranks of the literati.

Go me.

pat

Posted in being awesome, cool things, foreign happenings | By Pat66 Responses
Published: October 19, 2008

Your College Survival Guide: How to impress your professor.

Here’s one of the first columns I wrote for the College Survival Guide. It’s from way back in the day. Not my best work, as I was still figuring out how to be funny back then. But it’s still worth a chuckle or two….

*****

Well, the first month of the semester is pretty much over. So if you’re a serious student like myself, it’s about time you considered going to what we eighth-year seniors like to refer to as “class.”

Do not be alarmed. “Class” has received a lot of bad press in the past several years, leading many students to avoid it entirely. I however, have always believed that “class,” when taken in moderation, adds a new, enriching dimension to your whole college experience.

But “class” is not something to be approached hastily. Important questions should be asked before attending your first “class.” Questions such as: “What time is it?” “Who has my pants?” and “Is this your slightly molested, vaguely-orangutan-looking, plush toy?”

Once you’ve answered these questions (and taken any appropriate legal action that the answers seem to necessitate) you should be ready to go to “class.” For new students, I recommend that you bring some school supplies to class. The most important of these are: Pants (this should prove simple, if you’ve answered question #2), and a bag of candy.

(Optionally, if you had trouble answering question #3, you may want to bring the plush orangutan as well. It may belong to someone who happens to be attending your “class.”)

Now, some people will recommend that you bring pencils, paper, a calculator, etc. That’s a loosing strategy, because if you try to remember all those dozens of little things, you’re bound to forget at least one of them. But as long as you’re wearing pants you can usually borrow pens, paper, and books from other students, or in extreme situations, trade candy for them.

On the other hand, if you forget your pants, my experience has been that no one will lend you theirs. Also, without pants, your “classmates” will be noticeably less willing to take any candy you offer in trade.

So, once you are wearing you pants and you’re in “class,” you should notice one student that is older than all the rest. This old student is called the professor. You will note that he is also wearing pants. This will form a bond between you, which will eventually lead to you getting a “grade.”

In rare occasions, your professor will remove his pants. The proper thing to do in this circumstance is to remove your pants as well. This will form an even closer bond between you, which will eventually lead to you getting a “disease.”

*****

Something cool coming Monday. Stay tuned.

pat

Posted in BJ Hiorns Art, College Survival Guide | By Pat44 Responses
Published: October 17, 2008

The Good Life

A while back I was in the grocery store picking up something to eat. I ended up behind a mom and her little boy in the checkout line. She was buying all sorts of grown-up groceries: hamburger, milk, celery, saltines, green peppers, tomatoes…

I was buying Fritos, some Mountain Dew, and a box of Fruity Pebbles.

The boy looked at his mom’s groceries, then at my groceries. Back and forth. I could see him putting together the pieces. His mom’s groceries were going to make meatloaf. My groceries….

That’s when I realized how awesome my life is. I was living this kid’s dream. Of course, I was living MY dream too, but I had forgotten it until this moment.

I looked at him and pointed at the Fritos. “When I get home, I’m going to eat all of those,” I said. “and it’s going to completely spoil my dinner.” I smiled and pointed to the box of fruity pebbles. “That’s my dinner.”

He didn’t say anything. He was only about six or seven, and I’m guessing that he was too stunned with my untrammeled glory to put together a full sentence.

But he looked up at me with eyes that said, I want to be like you. How can I do these things which you have shown me?

“Go to college,” I told him.

I was just about to tell him that I was going to put the Mountain Dew on the cereal instead of milk when his mom hustled him away, probably because she thought I was some kind of pervert.

Which is only fair, I suppose. I probably am.

Later all,

pat

Posted in being awesome, BJ Hiorns Art, College Survival Guide, day in the life, My checkered past | By Pat32 Responses
Published: October 15, 2008

It is coming….

Ever since I posted up the pictures of the nunchucks someone sent me, I’ve been getting e-mail asking all sorts of questions from who want to get their books signed. Some people want to know if I’ll sign them as gifts to other people, other people want to buy copies of the college survival guide, other folks are worried that the thing they’re sending along won’t be cool enough.

I just wanted to mention that I’m planning something. Something that will involve signed books, among other things.

So if you’re thinking of sending in your book to get it signed, you might want to wait for a little bit. Very soon there will be a opportunities for people to get signed copies of all sorts of things. I just need a little more time to work out the details.

If you’ve already sent in your book, that’s fine. I’ll still sign it.

But otherwise, wait for a little bit, and stay tuned….

pat

Posted in cool things | By Pat24 Responses
Published: October 14, 2008

What should I do #11: Two Trilogies Better Than Mine.

Well, that’s a matter of opinion, I suppose. But one fact is indisputable, these two trilogies have something going for them that mine doesn’t. Both of them are already complete. That’s right, you can have all three books right now.

Both are by newish authors that you might not have run into yet. The first is Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series.

I feel a certain kinship with Joe, which partially stems from the fact that in April, both our books were nominated for the Compton Crook award. Then, in August, we were both denied our rightful positions as winners of the award. Or rather, I was denied my rightful position as winner, and Joe was denied taking runner-up by a narrow, narrow margin.

The books are good, really good. They pulled me in. Well-developed world. Unique, compelling characters. I like them so much that when I got to the end of the second book and found out the third book wasn’t going to be out in the US for another three months. I experienced a fit of rage, then a fit of depression, then I ate some lunch and had a bit of a lay down.

When I got up, I remembered that Joe and I share a publisher over in the UK. So, in my first ever attempt at using my newfound published-author powers, I e-mailed my editor over in England and begged them to send me the third book. I mean I *asked* them to. In a suave and sophisticated way.

I don’t believe in spoilers. So don’t I’m not going to give anything away. But I will say that the third book tied up the series quite nicely.

I will also say this. This isn’t some cookie-cutter fantasy. It’s refreshingly realistic, but also very gritty and dark. It might even be fair to call it grim. You have been warned.

The second trilogy I’m going to talk about is Brandon Sanderson’s Mistborn. Some of you might recognize his name because I’ve mentioned him here before. Or you might know of him because Brandon is the author who’s been brought on board to finish Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series.

The Mistborn books are set in a fascinating world different from any fantasy I’ve run into before. He’s got a good grip on character and story, and his magic system is unlike anything I’ve ever run into before either. He makes it very solid and logical, while still leaving room for cleverness and mystery.

The third book of the trilogy: The Hero of Ages, comes out today. So you won’t be left hanging no matter how fast you read.

The truth is, Brandon’s books are so good that they’re starting to piss me off. I don’t mind that he’s a good writer. But he writes way, way faster than me. That makes me look like a chump.

Later all,

Pat

Posted in recommendations | By Pat56 Responses

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