Monthly Archives: January 2008

A Convention, A Trip to Boston, and a Touching Story

First, an announcement for those of you Michigan area. I’m going to be at Confusion Jan 18th through the 20th. I’ll be signing books, speaking on panels, and generally getting my geek on. Stop on by if that sort of thing sounds like a good time to you….

Second, an apology. Over the last year I’ve fallen into a bad habit. I post a blog announcing some appearance I’m going to make, then, when I come back, I make a post along the lines of, “Whew. I’m back. It was cool, I’ll give you the details later.”

But then, of course, I never do.

This isn’t because I don’t love y’all. It’s because this past year I’ve been really over-busy. Typically I spend all weekend at a con, come back exhausted, then spend most of the week catching up on everything I’d fallen behind on because I was out of town. Then, by the time I’m caught up, it’s usually time for me to leave town again….

As a result, there are a bunch of stories I’ve been meaning to tell, but haven’t. I’ve met cool people, discovered cool games and books, and frequently made an ass of myself in a variety of amusing ways. The last one, if you haven’t guessed yet, is a particular specialty of mine.

So expect to see some of those convention stories popping up over the next couple months. Hopefully they’ll be somewhat amusing, if not particularly timely.

Thirdly and lastly, the story.

My recent trip to Boston was, by and large, a lot of fun. The trip itself was made extra exciting by the fact that I was traveling through airport security without a form of government ID.

You see, just before the holiday season, I accidentally left my driver’s licence at K-mart when returning a defective broom (It sounds like there’s an interesting story there, but trust me, there isn’t.) Afterward, K-mart called to tell me my licence was there, but because I went home for the holidays instead of rushing to their store to pick it up, K-mart decided to be helpful and drop my ID in the mail.

Of course I didn’t find this out until three hours before my plane was supposed to leave for Boston. Making things even more lovely was the fact that they had mailed it out in the middle of the holiday post office crunch. And that they had mailed it to the wrong address.

Rather than take this opportunity to invent scathing new cusses and inflict them on the hapless K-mart employee, I took the high road with the hope that it will help me accumulate good karma. so that the next time I reincarnate I get to come back as something really cool.

For those of you who don’t know, karma is like…. Well, you know how you can collect box tops, or Camel-cash or Kool-aid points and trade them in for prizes? I’m a little fuzzy on the concept, but I’m pretty sure that’s what Karma is like. It’s like Kool-Aid points for your soul. I want to collect enough Karma Points so that I get to reincarnate as Optimus Prime, Allyson Hannigan, or a glowing orb made entirely out of fluffy puppies and orgasms.

What was I talking about again…? Oh yeah. Boston….

Anyway, I made the trip with much anxiety, but no actual trouble. Despite my fears, they did not probe me in any unseemly ways. In fact, they tossed my luggage a lot less viciously than they normally do when I’m trying to play by the rules. Maybe I’ll make a habit of leaving my

Out in Boston I met up with the publicity people from my UK publisher. They were a lovely crew and we shot a bunch of video interview footage. Among other things I told a joke about a gorilla, and attempted to speak with a Norwegian accent. The Gollancz marketing people were a blast, and I hope that had as good a time as I did….

I’m told that we might get to see some of that footage eventually on youtube, I’m told. If that happens, I’ll post it up here….

We had a remarkably good turnout at Pandemonium books despite the bitter, bitter cold. I read a little and answered questions. I really enjoy doing Q&A, talking about writing and the world I’ve created.

However, one question caught me off guard as I’d never been asked it before. It was, “How cool is it to be you?” I didn’t really have a good answer for that….

I also got to sign a book “To E-bay” which is something I’ve always wanted to do.

If you’re interested in more details, an attendee posted up a blog about the signing HERE including several pictures of me. Yes, I know that the shirt I’m wearing to the signing is the same one I’m wearing in my author photo on the webpage. It’s not a coincidence. The truth is, I only own one shirt.

I did not, as many of you speculated, get my ass handed to me at Catan. But that’s only because we didn’t actually get a chance to play. Two lovely people showed up and informed me that they actually worked on the computer version of Catan. One of them had a cool travel set of Catan with her, and I got the feeling that if we did get into it, I’d start off winning a game for fifty cents and the evening would end with me stark naked, owing each of them thousands of dollars.

The next day before I flew home, I went to the Boston aquarium. Where I formed the following opinions: penguins stink, seals are cool, fish are weird.

I also got to touch a sea anemone with my finger. And, no offence to the other cool things that happened out there, I have to say that that was, without a doubt, my favorite part of the trip….

Seriously, it was really cool.

Later all,

pat

Posted in appearances, conventions | By Pat16 Responses

The Great Zombie Debate

About a decade ago, I started writing a humor column for the local paper. It started as a fake advice column, and over the years it became…. I don’t know what. Somewhere for me to make crude jokes about monkeys and pontificate on whatever subject was currently holding my attention.

I can’t say why I started doing it. Boredom and ego, I guess. Plus I liked writing and making people laugh. What makes even less sense to me is that after almost a decade, I’m still writing it. I don’t get paid for it, and over the years the column has landed me in more trouble than anything else I’ve ever done. That’s the problem with satire, if it’s done properly, it pisses people off.

Here’s how it works. I make fun of clowns, and you laugh. I make fun of frat boys, and you laugh. Then I make fun of Buddhists. But you’re a Buddhist. Suddenly you’re not laughing.

Have I suddenly become unfunny? No. It’s just that now I’m poking fun at your personal sacred cow. But that’s my job as a satirist, I expose that which is ridiculous in the world. I’m a sacred cow tipper.

Anyway, I when I was out at the Fantasy Matters conference a couple months ago, I had do do a reading directly following Neil Gaimain. I knew that I couldn’t hope to match him in sheer mythic storytelling awesomeness, so I decided to go for some cheap laughs instead. To this end, I read a column I wrote a couple years ago called The Great Zombie Debate.

Surprisingly, people liked it. So I thought I’d post it up here for those of you looking for a cheap laugh or two.

Dear Pat,

My social group is fiercely locked in the fast zombie vs. slow zombie debate. While I’ll admit that 28 Days rocked, I still think slow zombies are much scarier than their faster counterparts. Can you shower us with your wisdom? I fear this debate will cause a schism in our group that may never mend.

John S.

Thanks for the letter, John. It’s always nice to hear from a guy who’s not afraid to use the word “schism.”

Though not many folk know it, the fast vs. slow zombie debate goes all the way back to the early days of the church. It was part of a disagreement between James the greater, and Paul, formerly Saul of Tarsus. You see, James believed in salvation according to works, slow zombies, and that watching two women kiss was, in his words, “wicked cool.”

On the other hand, Paul believed in salvation according to faith, fast zombies, and the fact that women were “kinda icky” therefore two kissing would be, “double icky.”

Now normally when there was a disagreement, they turned to Thomas. But Thomas thought it should be faith AND works. And he’d never actually seen two women kiss and didn’t believe that sort of thing really happened. As for zombies, well… the thought of people getting up and moving around after they were dead was just too much for him, and he told the other disciples that he had better things to do than sit around and listen to them tell silly stories.

And so the issue remains unresolved to this day, stirred up by recent fast zombie movies like Dawn of the Dead and 28 Days.

So let’s lay this to rest once and for all, shall we?

Now to a certain extent whether you like fast or slow zombies is simply a matter of personal taste.

It’s like sex. Fast sex is different from slow sex. But they both have their good points. A quickie is fun. It’s a romp. It’s exciting. Slow sex is different. It’s an experience. It’s an adventure. It’s an African safari which necessitates the use of a special type of hat.

But while they both have their selling points, the fact remains that slow sex has a lot more style. More room for finesse. More opportunities to wear exciting hats.

The same thing is true with zombie movies. Everybody who isn’t all a total tightass enjoys a good zombie movie now and then, fast or slow. But ultimately, a slow zombie movie has a lot more style. More finesse. The purpose of a zombie movie is to scare you, and ultimately, slow zombies are more frightening.

Now before all you fast zombie advocates get your knickers in a twist, listen to me. Slow zombies are frightening. Fast zombies are startling. There’s a huge difference, let me explain.

You know the part in the horror movie when the young co-ed is looking through the attic with a flashlight? It’s dark, the music gets real dramatic, then BAM! A cat jumps out from behind a stack of boxes.

Pretty scary, huh?

No. No, that was not scary. It was just startling. It’s cheap. If you don’t believe me, just think of a whole movie full of nothing but cats jumping out at people. Would that be a scary move? No. It would just suck. The same goes for a movie full of nothing but fast zombies jumping out at people, or, come to think of it, relationships full of nothing but fast sex.

That is, unless you’re having a relationship with a slow zombie that wore an exciting hat when you had sex with it. That might work, I think.

And with that bit of wisdom I will leave you for now. I’ll be back soon, and posting more consistently now that the holidays are past. I’ll tell y’all how the Boston Signing went, and I’ll be making those announcements I promised you a couple weeks ago.

Plus, I have some delicious fanart that I’ve been dying to show you….

Later all,

pat

Posted in College Survival Guide, Fanmail Q + A, Neil Gaiman | By Pat20 Responses
  • RSS info

  • Visit Worldbuilders!

  • Our Store

  • Previous Posts

  • Archives



  • Bookmark this Blog!

    (IE and Firefox users only - Safari users, click Command-D)