Tag Archives: College Survival Guide

The Traditional Pat Rothfuss Donation Blog

Back when I started doing Worldbuilders, the only items in our lottery came from me.

That changed pretty fast, of course. Authors started to jump in with offers of help almost immediately. That’s what made me think I could turn it into something more than just me goofing off on my blog.

Now, six years later, Worldbuilders has grown to be bigger than just me, but I still like to do my part.

Most of the items I’m donating are going into the lottery, where anyone can win them if they donate at least ten bucks. A few of the rarer things are going up as auctions, too.

And some items are available in The Tinker’s Packs, so you can go grab them right away if they make your palms all sweaty, or if you’re looking to do some early Christmas shopping. Then, tonight you can sleep easier knowing that you’ve made the world a better place, because 100% of the proceeds go to Worldbuilders.

Here’s the breakdown:

  • First Edition copies of The Name of the Wind. Signed by me. 

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Back in the day, I remember selling one of these to a guy online for 60 bucks. I felt *really* guilty about it, like I was committing some sort of fraud.

Two years ago, we were selling them in the store for $700 each, but we had to stop because we ran out.

These days I have handful of them squirreled away. I hope they might help put my kids through school. But the truth is, it’s looking like they’ll all be gone before Oot and Cutie get to college. Sorry boys.

Still, for Worldbuilders, I’m willing to give up a pair of them. One is going into the lottery where anyone who donates can win it, other copy is going up on ebay. I’ll sign it however the winner desires….

  • Auction: An ARC of The Wise Man’s Fear. Signed by me.

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This, my friends, is a true rarity.

When we were getting ready to publish The Wise Man’s Fear, we didn’t want it leaking out into the internet before publication. But we still wanted to be able to show it to a select group of people. Reviewers and such.

So we printed a very, very few Advance Reader Copies. 227 of them, in fact. They were numbered before we gave them out, so if one showed up on e-bay before the book went on sale, we knew who we should sue into the ground.

My editor has copy #1. I have copy #2.

Just the number

This, as you can see, is copy #4.

A couple years ago someone sent me a link to an e-bay auction of one of these. It sold for more than 2500 dollars and it wasn’t even signed. I just went looking around online to see if I could find any for sale to see what they were going for, and I couldn’t find a single one. That means this is the only copy of this book currently for sale anywhere.

So… Yeah. This is a rarity. But I’m putting it into the fundraiser with the hope that it will bring in some serious money and make a bunch of people’s lives better.

If you win the auction, I will sign it however you like. Head over here to bid.

  • Your College Survival Guide. Signed by me, and signed and doodled by Brett.

CSG01

Ah the terrible secrets of my misspent youth.

This is a collection of humor columns I wrote for the college paper back when I was a student. This edition is annotated, and illustrated by my longtime friend Brett Hiorns, who now works with us at Worldbuilders.

This book was put together by a small press in 2005. Back before anyone cared who Patrick Rothfuss was. There were only 500 printed, so they’re fairly hard to find these days. I’ve put two of my remaining copies into the fundraiser.

One you can win by donating to Heifer on the Worldbuilders team page.

The other will go to the highest bidder on ebay.

  • The Adventures of the Princess and Mr. Whiffle Volumes 1 and 2. Both signed. Also includes the Princess and Mr. Whiffle Coloring Book.

PrincessSet02

After all these years, I’m still surprised when my fans haven’t heard of The Adventures of the Princess and Mr. Whiffle. I’m terribly proud of them.

The Princess and Mr. Whiffle Coloring Book is only a couple months old. It went over great during our IndieGoGo Fundraiser this summer, so we’re including it in all its geeky glory in this bundle in the lottery.

If you want to see more pictures from it, you can check it out on The Tinker’s Packs, where it’s available with both of the Princess books.

  • 5 Sets of The Name of the WindThe Wise Man’s Fear, and The Slow Regard of Silent Things. All signed by me.

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A complete set of the books, all hardcovers, all signed. If you already own copies… well…. the pages are really absorbent, great for cleaning up spills. They’re also really thick, so they’re perfect for propping up your computer monitor to it’s proper ergonomic height.

All three of these are also available, signed, in The Tinker’s Packs.

  • Copies of Unfettered. Signed by me.

Unfettered01

This contains “How Old Holly Came to Be,” my first published short story, set in Temerant. This book was published to help raise money for Shawn Speakman’s cancer treatment, and there were only 5000 printed.

I’m putting five of these into the lottery, but we also have some available in the store.

  • Copies of Rogues. Including signed and numbered BAST OFF! card.

Rogues01

The Bast Off doodle cards were one of the most fun things I’ve done. Brett and I only drew 250 of them, and I’m throwing five into the lottery.

There’s a few available in the store too, but be careful, supplies are very limited.

Since we’re talking about things in the store, I should probably take a moment to mention…

A Few New Additions to The Tinker’s Packs

  • Kvothe’s Vintish Court Rings.

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The folks over at Badali Jewelry crafted these for us, based on the court rings used in Maer’s court.

The gold and silver rings are plated, (so we could keep production costs down) But the iron ring is actually made of real iron. Do you know how hard it is to get iron Jewelry made? Nobody does it, but Badali found a way.

You can buy these over in The Tinker’s Packs, and 100% of the proceeds will go to Worldbuilders.

  • The UK edition of The Slow Regard of Silent Things.

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I got a few author copies of the UK edition, and a lot of people seem to love this cover design (including most of the Worldbuilders Staff) so I’ve given up my precious author copies to The Tinker’s Packs. If you want one, I’d grab it fast, because we don’t have many.

  • The Worldbuilders 2015 Karen Hallion Calendar.

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I would just like to take a moment to point out that *I* came up the the title for this year’s calendar.

I don’t doubt you’ve seen Karen Hallion’s artwork before. (If nothing else, we have some of her signed prints in our store.) But there’s one piece of art I’m guessing a lot of you haven’t seen. Or at least haven’t noticed….

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If you click to embiggen, you’ll see a couple familiar characters in the center page.

We’re very proud of how this calendar turned out, and it makes a great holiday gift. You can grab one over here.

  • Boss Monster with Limited Edition Bast and Bastas promo cards.

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Boss Monster is the game where you get to play the Boss in an old 8-bit video game. You make your dungeon difficult to get through and harvest the souls of the unsuspecting heroes you lure in with your treasure.

Turns out the folks at Brotherwise are fans of my stuff. So we worked together to create special promo cards based off my characters. Specifically, we’ve got Bast and Bastas cards. You can buy them by themselves, or bundled together with the game in The Tinker’s Packs.

  • Auction: Boss Monster with Bast, Bastas, and rare Quothe Ladykiller Card.

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This was the first character likeness thing we did with one of my characters. Brotherwise printed special promo cards of “Quothe Ladykiller, The Polymath.” And Worldbuilders sold them at our booth at Gencon in 2013. If you’ve played the game, you can tell from his stats he’s a bit of an ass kicker, and apparently Amanda has been slaughtered by him more than once while playing the game.

Brotherwise printed a couple hundred cards, but we didn’t know how excited people would be about it, and they all sold out at the show. We never even got to put them in the store.

But one lovely shining fan donated his card back to the fundraiser, asking us to make good use of it in the fundraiser.

So we’re auctioning it off, along with a copy of the game and the Bast and Bastas cards too. If you’d like the full set, you can bid on it over here.

  • Auction: A STEALTH ROTHFUSS copy of The Slow Regard of Silent Things. Signed by me.

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As I’ve already mentioned on the blog, Over the last month, I’ve signed of a lot of copies of The Slow regard of Silent Things.

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(Here’s the shipment of books we used to fill orders for our IndieGoGo campaign.)

When I was signing 2000 books for the IndieGoGo, I stumbled onto a couple copies that had a weird printing error. They didn’t have the silver foil covering my name like the other books. SROSTStealth03

(Oooh… Spooky…)

I thought they looked pretty cool, so I grabbed them for myself. Because I’m a bad person. Then I felt guilty because I’d hoarded them all….

So I’m putting one up in the auction. If you’re into strange, rare misprints, here it is.

  • Auction: One (1) Favor from Patrick Rothfuss.

Golden Ticket Ring

I’ve auctioned off favors in the past, and it’s gone over extremely well. Here are the details:

This is a 10 karat gold ring redeemable for one (1) favor from Patrick Rothfuss.

Possible uses for the favor include:

Asking Pat to insert your name/likeness into a future book or story.
Asking Pat’s assistance in wooing the object of your affection, preferably from under a balcony at night.
Asking Pat to read and critique your unpublished manuscript (or your published one, if you really want.)
Asking Pat give a reading/workshop at your local library or University.
Asking Pat to give a reading/workshop at your house.
Asking Pat to give a reading/workshop in your bedroom.
Asking Pat to help you move a particularly heavy couch.
Asking Pat to follow you on twitter and post kitten pictures to you.

This favor has no expiration date. It can be traded, transferred, sold, or lost. In essence, the ring *is* the favor. You give the ring back when you cash in your favor. So if you lose it, you’ve kinda fucked yourself.

The nature of this favor is fairly open-ended, though some negotiation may be necessary depending on the nature of the favor. Certain ethical or legal restrictions may apply (though not as many as you might expect.) Under no circumstances will Patrick dance for you. Carnal favors must be approved by Pat’s girlfriend in advance. If you won this favor in the auction, and for any reason Pat cannot fulfill his obligation to you, he will personally refund your winning bid in exchange for the ring.

If you want in on it, go over here and bid.

  • One Full Set of My Favorite Fantasy Books.

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(So many books, Rachel had to stand on a ladder to get a picture of them all.)

A few years ago, someone asked me what they should read while they were waiting for my next book. So I posted a blog listing what the 40 best fantasy books and/or series were, in my opinion. Books that everyone should read if they wanted to consider themselves well-versed in fantasy.

My list contained 40 entries. But the clever among you will note that this is a lot more than 40 books. This is because some of the entries were for entire series. Like the Dresden Files, which I’m absolutely gooey over. (Currently 14 books.) Or Terry Pratchett’s Discworld Series. (38 books.)

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When we had the option, I tried to buy nice versions of the books. We’ve got a leather bound box set of The Lord of the Rings. A beautiful special edition of Dune. A massive Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy tome. They’re glorious.

All together there are over 130 books in this bundle.

We’re only putting one of these into the fundraiser, and it’s going into lottery. That means it’s there for anyone, and every $10 you donate gives you a chance to win it.

So there you are. Go make the world a better place. You know you want to.

Posted in BJ Hiorns Art, gaming, Nathan Taylor Art, The Adventures of The Princess and Mr. Whiffle, Worldbuilders 2014 | By Pat40 Responses

Hugging and Monkey Love

Hello everyone. Sorry for the radio silence here on the blog. I’ve been busy writing and getting together a project that I’m going to be announcing here in a couple of days.

However, rather than leave a gaping hole of not-blog, I’ve decided to post up some back-in-the-day writing. Specifically, a satirical advice column called “Your College Survival Guide” that I used to publish in the local paper. It was a delicious blend of demented ravings, bad advice, black bile, with just a tiny garnish of truth.

Fair warning: The tone of the College Survival Guide is different than what you might be used to here on the blog. It’s different than my novel too. Different audience + different purpose = different style. So don’t assume that I’ve had a psychotic break.

And if you don’t know what satire is, you might want to look it up before you read the column. It might help prevent confusion….

Anyway, here’s one I wrote a couple years back. Enjoy.

*****

Hello Young Rothfuss,

How you do amuse me from time to time with your silly column… it really is the best read I’ve come across in a long time.

I’ve been wondering about men lately. In particular, boyfriends. I’ve been asking my gaggle of girlfriends why women have attachment issues. (That’s not your question) I want to know why most males in a relationship like to play games with their bitches (i.e. “I’m not gonna call her for a couple of days to see if she cracks and calls me first… A HA!”) OR if they just deal with distance better than us women.

My friend and I call our condition, the “Kiss and Cuddle” syndrome. The only reason we go back to our loser boyfriends is cuz we want to hold them and kiss them and squeeze them until their heads pop off “wike kwazy widdle cutie pootie wootie puppies!” I’m rambling now, but why why why does my boyfriend (who lives in Minneapolis) NOT CALL ME, GODDAMN IT!!!????

— Anitra

Well Anitra, I have a good answer to your letter. Actually, I have two good answers. Luckily, due to psychotic break brought about by midterm stress, I have two fully-formed personalities willing to give you their opinions on this issue.

Evil Pat’s Response.

So, why are guys thoughtless, callous, game-playing jerks? Simple, Anitra, because that’s what you women have trained us to be.

Let me explain this with a story. Imagine that you’re a young boy, and like most young boys, you’re a Nice Guy: innocent, polite, and considerate. You meet Julie. She’s smart, funny, and pretty. You become friends and slowly but surely you realize you’re in love with her.

So you join forensics because she’s on the team. You cheer her on when she tries out for the swim team. Soon you’re talking on the phone for hours at a stretch, really getting to know her.

But while you’re investing time and energy into building an emotional and intellectual bond with Julie, some basketball player asks her to the prom. She says yes, because he’s a junior, and he has his own car. Plus he’s got an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. Let’s call him Chad.

Then Chad proceeds to treat Julie like crap, because he doesn’t know the first thing about her. But for some reason she clings to him like he’s the last life preserver on the Titanic. And all the while, there you are, her friend and confidante. Every night you’re on the phone, listening while she cries about how obnoxious and thoughtless he is. But she forgives him because she’s in love, right?

Then it slowly dawns on you. Julie will never be your girlfriend. Why? Well, given the overwhelming evidence, Julie doesn’t want a boy who listens to her thoughts and feelings. Julie wants a cretin with a nice ass. Guys like Chad get all the lovin‘. Guys like you are the equivalent of an emotional tampon. End of story.

Now if you’re a Really Nice Guy you move on with your innocence intact. Then you meet a girl called Erica. Lather, rinse, repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

And after you slide down this emotional razorblade about a dozen times, you know what you get? You get me. I’m not nice anymore. Over the years I’ve molded myself into an arrogant bastard of such vast proportions that women find me irresistible. And you know what? It works great. You can get radiation burns from the amount of raw animal magnetism I throw off.

And now you’re complaining that your guy doesn’t call you? Get bent, chicky. You women have made your collective bed, and now you have to lie in it. Alone.

Nice Pat’s Response.

Well Anitra, your letter reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend about a week ago. She told me that she liked getting massages. More than that, she considered them essential for her emotional well-being, especially when she was in-between boyfriends. She went on to explain that she thought touching and being touched was a vital part of being a primate.

Which means, in a nutshell, that she feels like her inner monkey occasionally needs to be loved.

Personally, I couldn’t agree more. I think that deep down we all have basic monkey urges. Do you remember that experiment we all learned about in psychology 101? The one where the baby monkey had to choose between two fake mommy monkeys? Given the choice between a non-cuddly chicken wire mom that had milk, and a furry fake-mom that didn’t have any milk, the baby monkey always chose the furry mom. It goes to show how important this cuddling impulse is to us primate types.

So to answer your question, Anitra, I decided to perform an expanded version of this experiment. I added a balsa-wood monkey with a cookie and a handgun; a sheet-metal monkey that gives out bong hits; and a monkey made entirely out of Cool-Ranch Doritos that gets drunk and burns you with cigarettes.

Anyway to make a long story short, I never got around to finding a baby monkey to experiment on. Apparently you need a permit or something for that. But I CAN tell you that my favorite was the razorwire monkey with a tazer that dispensed sweet, sweet, methadone. I still sleep with it at night.

So what’s the moral to the story? Shit. I have no idea. Scientists hate monkeys, I guess. There’s your moral. I’m outta here.

pat

Posted in BJ Hiorns Art, College Survival Guide | By Pat33 Responses

Your College Survival Guide: How to impress your professor.

Here’s one of the first columns I wrote for the College Survival Guide. It’s from way back in the day. Not my best work, as I was still figuring out how to be funny back then. But it’s still worth a chuckle or two….

*****

Well, the first month of the semester is pretty much over. So if you’re a serious student like myself, it’s about time you considered going to what we eighth-year seniors like to refer to as “class.”

Do not be alarmed. “Class” has received a lot of bad press in the past several years, leading many students to avoid it entirely. I however, have always believed that “class,” when taken in moderation, adds a new, enriching dimension to your whole college experience.

But “class” is not something to be approached hastily. Important questions should be asked before attending your first “class.” Questions such as: “What time is it?” “Who has my pants?” and “Is this your slightly molested, vaguely-orangutan-looking, plush toy?”

Once you’ve answered these questions (and taken any appropriate legal action that the answers seem to necessitate) you should be ready to go to “class.” For new students, I recommend that you bring some school supplies to class. The most important of these are: Pants (this should prove simple, if you’ve answered question #2), and a bag of candy.

(Optionally, if you had trouble answering question #3, you may want to bring the plush orangutan as well. It may belong to someone who happens to be attending your “class.”)

Now, some people will recommend that you bring pencils, paper, a calculator, etc. That’s a loosing strategy, because if you try to remember all those dozens of little things, you’re bound to forget at least one of them. But as long as you’re wearing pants you can usually borrow pens, paper, and books from other students, or in extreme situations, trade candy for them.

On the other hand, if you forget your pants, my experience has been that no one will lend you theirs. Also, without pants, your “classmates” will be noticeably less willing to take any candy you offer in trade.

So, once you are wearing you pants and you’re in “class,” you should notice one student that is older than all the rest. This old student is called the professor. You will note that he is also wearing pants. This will form a bond between you, which will eventually lead to you getting a “grade.”

In rare occasions, your professor will remove his pants. The proper thing to do in this circumstance is to remove your pants as well. This will form an even closer bond between you, which will eventually lead to you getting a “disease.”

*****

Something cool coming Monday. Stay tuned.

pat

Posted in BJ Hiorns Art, College Survival Guide | By Pat44 Responses

The Good Life

A while back I was in the grocery store picking up something to eat. I ended up behind a mom and her little boy in the checkout line. She was buying all sorts of grown-up groceries: hamburger, milk, celery, saltines, green peppers, tomatoes…

I was buying Fritos, some Mountain Dew, and a box of Fruity Pebbles.

The boy looked at his mom’s groceries, then at my groceries. Back and forth. I could see him putting together the pieces. His mom’s groceries were going to make meatloaf. My groceries….

That’s when I realized how awesome my life is. I was living this kid’s dream. Of course, I was living MY dream too, but I had forgotten it until this moment.

I looked at him and pointed at the Fritos. “When I get home, I’m going to eat all of those,” I said. “and it’s going to completely spoil my dinner.” I smiled and pointed to the box of fruity pebbles. “That’s my dinner.”

He didn’t say anything. He was only about six or seven, and I’m guessing that he was too stunned with my untrammeled glory to put together a full sentence.

But he looked up at me with eyes that said, I want to be like you. How can I do these things which you have shown me?

“Go to college,” I told him.

I was just about to tell him that I was going to put the Mountain Dew on the cereal instead of milk when his mom hustled him away, probably because she thought I was some kind of pervert.

Which is only fair, I suppose. I probably am.

Later all,

pat

Posted in being awesome, BJ Hiorns Art, College Survival Guide, day in the life, My checkered past | By Pat32 Responses

On the Perils of Translation

For those of you who may not know, over this last year we’ve sold the foreign rights to The Name of the Wind in, at my last count, 20 countries. So many countries that when I just tried to make a list of them all on a piece of paper, I was unable to remember them all.

When we first sold the Dutch rights, my giddy thought was that I would learn Dutch well enough to read my own book. Later, when a few more sales started to pile up, I realized a more realistic goal might be to learn enough so that I could read, perhaps, the first page of the book. Or the first few lines.

But now, with 20 countries, I’m thinking that if I work at it I can learn how to say the title of my book using the appropriate accent. I’d still just be saying, “The Name of the Wind,” but it would sound French, or German, or whatever they speak in Holland…. Hollandaise.

But on to the heart of the matter. When I first heard we’d sold the Dutch rights, my main thought was, “Wow, a quarter million word translation… that poor bastard.”

And that was about it.

A few weeks later, my translator contacted me and started asking questions about my book. It was only then that I started to get an idea of how complicated the process is. How many ways there are to go wrong in a translation….

For example, how can you translate the nicknames for all the buildings in the University? They’re slang. Artificery becomes Fishery…. But you can’t just translate that, because it really doesn’t have anything to do with fish…

Even worse are the names in Auri has given the places in the Underthing, they’re not even slang, they’re puns. Imagine trying to translate the belows/bellows/blows/billows conversation into another language? It just can’t be done….

Then there’s the plot points. Some subtle things are mentioned in the first book that will prove to be very important later. If they’re accidentally left out or changed, the series as a whole will suffer.

Luckily, my first translator, Lia Belt, was wonderful. She walked me through it carefully, asked a lot of questions, and helped me understand some of the potential pitfalls.

So over the last couple of weeks I’ve been putting together a comprehensive FAQ for the translators. It clarifies things that are potentially murky, and brings up some of the potential difficulties that I’ve become aware of.

In a way it’s fun, it forces me to examine my language and word use from a different angle than I’m used to. But at the same time putting together this FAQ has been like some sort of fractal magician’s trick. Where every time I answer a question it unfolds into four other important issues I need to address.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on in my life lately. Just thought I’d share…

And lastly, an interesting piece of fanmail someone sent me….

Pat!

Dude. I was looking around on E-bay, and I found THIS. Is it really yours? I thought Name of the Wind was your first book….

Let me know because if it is yours, I’m totally buying it…

J-

As always, I will protect the privacy of my fan by using a fake name: Susan.

Well Susan, The Name of The Wind was my first book in a lot of ways. It was my first novel. It was also my first professionally edited and published book.

But I did have a few other things printed before that, and Your Illustrated, Annotated College Survival Guide was one of them.

It is a collection of humor columns that I wrote over the space of four years for the local college paper, illustrated by a friend of mine, and with interesting annotations from yours truly. If you’re wondering what the columns were like…. well, odds are you’ve already read one of them here in my blog. Namely: The Great Zombie Debate.

Other helpful columns were written along the lines of, “How Not to be a Goddamn Mooch.” “On the Impotence of Proofreading.” and “How to Deal with the Unbearable Shittyness of Your Life…”

So yeah, in a nutshell, it’s me.

Later all,

pat

Posted in College Survival Guide, fanmail, foreign happenings, translation | By Pat43 Responses

The Great Zombie Debate

About a decade ago, I started writing a humor column for the local paper. It started as a fake advice column, and over the years it became…. I don’t know what. Somewhere for me to make crude jokes about monkeys and pontificate on whatever subject was currently holding my attention.

I can’t say why I started doing it. Boredom and ego, I guess. Plus I liked writing and making people laugh. What makes even less sense to me is that after almost a decade, I’m still writing it. I don’t get paid for it, and over the years the column has landed me in more trouble than anything else I’ve ever done. That’s the problem with satire, if it’s done properly, it pisses people off.

Here’s how it works. I make fun of clowns, and you laugh. I make fun of frat boys, and you laugh. Then I make fun of Buddhists. But you’re a Buddhist. Suddenly you’re not laughing.

Have I suddenly become unfunny? No. It’s just that now I’m poking fun at your personal sacred cow. But that’s my job as a satirist, I expose that which is ridiculous in the world. I’m a sacred cow tipper.

Anyway, I when I was out at the Fantasy Matters conference a couple months ago, I had do do a reading directly following Neil Gaimain. I knew that I couldn’t hope to match him in sheer mythic storytelling awesomeness, so I decided to go for some cheap laughs instead. To this end, I read a column I wrote a couple years ago called The Great Zombie Debate.

Surprisingly, people liked it. So I thought I’d post it up here for those of you looking for a cheap laugh or two.

Dear Pat,

My social group is fiercely locked in the fast zombie vs. slow zombie debate. While I’ll admit that 28 Days rocked, I still think slow zombies are much scarier than their faster counterparts. Can you shower us with your wisdom? I fear this debate will cause a schism in our group that may never mend.

John S.

Thanks for the letter, John. It’s always nice to hear from a guy who’s not afraid to use the word “schism.”

Though not many folk know it, the fast vs. slow zombie debate goes all the way back to the early days of the church. It was part of a disagreement between James the greater, and Paul, formerly Saul of Tarsus. You see, James believed in salvation according to works, slow zombies, and that watching two women kiss was, in his words, “wicked cool.”

On the other hand, Paul believed in salvation according to faith, fast zombies, and the fact that women were “kinda icky” therefore two kissing would be, “double icky.”

Now normally when there was a disagreement, they turned to Thomas. But Thomas thought it should be faith AND works. And he’d never actually seen two women kiss and didn’t believe that sort of thing really happened. As for zombies, well… the thought of people getting up and moving around after they were dead was just too much for him, and he told the other disciples that he had better things to do than sit around and listen to them tell silly stories.

And so the issue remains unresolved to this day, stirred up by recent fast zombie movies like Dawn of the Dead and 28 Days.

So let’s lay this to rest once and for all, shall we?

Now to a certain extent whether you like fast or slow zombies is simply a matter of personal taste.

It’s like sex. Fast sex is different from slow sex. But they both have their good points. A quickie is fun. It’s a romp. It’s exciting. Slow sex is different. It’s an experience. It’s an adventure. It’s an African safari which necessitates the use of a special type of hat.

But while they both have their selling points, the fact remains that slow sex has a lot more style. More room for finesse. More opportunities to wear exciting hats.

The same thing is true with zombie movies. Everybody who isn’t all a total tightass enjoys a good zombie movie now and then, fast or slow. But ultimately, a slow zombie movie has a lot more style. More finesse. The purpose of a zombie movie is to scare you, and ultimately, slow zombies are more frightening.

Now before all you fast zombie advocates get your knickers in a twist, listen to me. Slow zombies are frightening. Fast zombies are startling. There’s a huge difference, let me explain.

You know the part in the horror movie when the young co-ed is looking through the attic with a flashlight? It’s dark, the music gets real dramatic, then BAM! A cat jumps out from behind a stack of boxes.

Pretty scary, huh?

No. No, that was not scary. It was just startling. It’s cheap. If you don’t believe me, just think of a whole movie full of nothing but cats jumping out at people. Would that be a scary move? No. It would just suck. The same goes for a movie full of nothing but fast zombies jumping out at people, or, come to think of it, relationships full of nothing but fast sex.

That is, unless you’re having a relationship with a slow zombie that wore an exciting hat when you had sex with it. That might work, I think.

And with that bit of wisdom I will leave you for now. I’ll be back soon, and posting more consistently now that the holidays are past. I’ll tell y’all how the Boston Signing went, and I’ll be making those announcements I promised you a couple weeks ago.

Plus, I have some delicious fanart that I’ve been dying to show you….

Later all,

pat

Posted in College Survival Guide, Fanmail Q + A, Neil Gaiman | By Pat20 Responses
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