Category Archives: fan coolness

Published: March 9, 2009

Floating on a Sea of Love.

Gech. After I wrote that title, I threw up a little bit in my own mouth.

But just because it’s nauseatingly sweet, doesn’t mean it’s not true. Since I posted the Longest Blog Ever about a week ago, I’ve received roughly one billion messages. There were e-mails, phone calls, facebook wall posts, strip-o-grams, and alien beams shot directly into my head from the icy depths of space.

Yeah. They read my blog in space, apparently. Who knew.

Seriously though, the vast majority of these messages have been displays of loving support and kindness. Many of them terribly sweet, funny, or touching in turn. Only a very few were snarky.

And yes, there was one turd. But it was a tiny thing among all the rest. A turdlet. And it didn’t spoil my day. Instead I laughed a great booming laugh at his ineffectual flailing rage.

On synchronicity:

Now, I should mention that I don’t actually read any blogs myself. There are a few I peek in on occasionally, but my addictive web-wanderings lean more toward comics.

So after I posted my blog, I was surprised to learn that George RR Martin wrote a blog on a similar subject about a week before I posted mine.

I saw Mr. Martin at Worldcon last year. And I almost went up to him and asked, “How have you gone this long without killing someone?” Because however much flak I happen to get from fans, he has to get a thousand times more.

In my opinion, he’s a saint. If I had to deal with that level of fan dickishness, I would have already lost my shit in some spectacular way. There would be a video of me on youtube, gone all berserk with nerd rage, holding someone up by the neck, shouting “I’ve got your sequel right here, bitch!”

I didn’t actually approach him and say that though. Because it seemed a weird way to introduce myself. Still, know that I’m on your side Mr. Martin. Slow writers represent. Um. Yo.

Several of you also brought Scalzi’s post to my attention as well. Apparently, just a couple hours before I posted up my blog, John Scalzi over at Whatever wrote a blog on the topic of authors. It’s a good read. Not only did we make a lot of the same points, we even made some of the same jokes. It was more than slightly eerie, to tell you the truth.

I just wish I’d skipped the last revision, and posted my blog a day earlier. That way it would have looked like he was ripping me off instead of the other way around.

Concerning the flood of love: (Ew)

I just wanted to mention that I did read all the messages. All of them. Though I only responded to a small fraction of what came in because there just aren’t enough hours in the day.

While I was reading through them, I snipped out some of the clever, bizarre, and funny things people wrote.

Then I cleverly lost the file I saved those quotes into. And I just don’t have time to winnow through several hundred messages again to dig them out. Rest assured that I enjoyed them all. Even the turd.

There is one message that I got after I made the post that just about knocked me over though.

My husband reads fantasy and I, the English teacher, prefer “real literature.” The Name of the Wind is what I get for being so smug. It is an incredible novel! Our first baby is due this April and I’m not sure what the two of us anticipate more: our new daughter or the Wise Man’s Fear!

Well done, Mr. Rothfuss, well done!

If that isn’t intimidating, I don’t know what is. I have a terrible mental image of a woman going into labor in the fantasy isle of Borders.

Oh, and here’s something else I thought y’all might get a kick out of:

You might have to click on it to see the joke.

It’s here…

I’m guessing that someone at B&N has a sense of humor, or there’s a profoundly weird glitch in their system.

(Edit: B&N insiders reveal the truth about this in the comments below. Thanks for the clue-in folks.)

Either way, I would just like to say I’m confident of my ability to get book two out before this deadline. Rest assured.

That’s all for now. I just wanted to thank everyone for their support. I’ll be posting up a few other blogs this week, so stay tuned.

Fondly,

pat

Also posted in book two, love | By Pat103 Responses
Published: February 17, 2009

My Trip to LA: Part Two

Just a reminder folks. This is part two of a longer blog. Part one is over here.

[…]

I’ve had the chance to hang out with some pretty cool people over the last year: Peter S. Beagle, Tad Williams, Neil Gaiman. Folks I’ve idolized for a long time. But I never had this strange vertigo with any of them.

I’ve thought about it a lot since then, and right now my best guess is this.

I think talking to someone you’ve seen on TV is like meeting someone you already know. Your brain has become familiar with the image of this person, you know the texture of their voice, their body posture. For all intents and purposes, you know them.

Except you don’t. You’re just familiarized to the sensation of them. What’s more disorienting is that if they’re an actor, the personality you’ve attached to their image isn’t really their own. Or at least it’s not *entirely* their own.

I don’t think it’s the same with writers. When you’re experiencing our work, you don’t see our faces. You might get a peek inside our heads (or think you get a peek) but that doesn’t lead to the same visual imprinting that you get from watching someone on screen.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve probably watched Dr. Horrible over a hundred times since it came out. I haven’t watched The Guild *quite* as much as that, but if you count the times I’ve re-watched each of the individual episodes, I’ve probably moved into the triple digits by now.

This means that in the last year, I’ve seen Felicia Day’s face more than I’ve seen the face of my own sister. More than I’ve seen the faces of any of my friends who all live out of town. More than any real-world face except Sarah’s, and honestly, during the week when Dr. Horrible was first released, that particular race might have been too close to call.

I think that’s what where this strange vertigo came from. It was some rational part of me hitting my the degauss button in my brain again and again. Helping me realize that the person in front of me was fundamentally different from the person I had been watching on the screen of my computer.

And eventually it worked. I was able to settle down and talk with her and the moments of odd vertigo grew farther and farther apart. Unfortunately one of those moments happened when I was signing a book for her. A signing that I screwed up to a degree that still embarrasses me.

I also have to say that I was really impressed with everyone else at the signing. I know a lot of people must have recognized her, but from what I saw, nobody freaked out on her or hassled her.

Part of this I’m guessing has to do with the fact that we were in LA, but I’m willing to lay a lot of it on the fact that my readership seems to be composed of very cool, intelligent people.

For example, when I was signing books after the reading, a couple folks came up to the front of the line, and thanked me for introducing them to Dr. Horrible on my blog.

I motioned them a little closer and they leaned in. “Be cool about it,” I said quietly, excited to get the chance to tell someone who could appreciate the news. “But Felicia Day is here. She’s behind you, standing in line!” I grinned, vibrating with geeky joy. Probably looking like a garden gnome who has recently stumbled onto the a particularly interesting patch of mushrooms.

“We know!” They grinned too, just as excited as me.

After the signing, the lot of us went out to dinner: me, my gracious hosts, a few of their friends, and Felicia day.

We ended up at a small restaurant, where I had the best Thai food of my life. And I must say, sitting there, surrounded by rocket scientists, librarians, and other persons of eclectic occupation. Chatting and trading stories with Felicia day. It was my own personal Valhalla.

Lastly, since we’re talking about public appearances, I’m going to be having a little reading up here in Hayward in a week or so.

So if you live up here in the north woods of Wisconsin and are not an elk, feel free to swing by. It should be a nice cozy event with just a few of us, so I’ll have plenty of time to chat with everyone who comes. Plus, I hear there will be cookies.

February 26th, Thursday, 6:00-8:00

Hayward Public Library
10788 HWY 27/77
Hayward, WI 54843

For more info call 715-634-2161

And back to work for me,

pat

Also posted in appearances, BJ Hiorns Art, Felicia Day, meeting famous people | By Pat68 Responses
Published: December 30, 2008

Home for the Holidays

While I live in the cozy little town of Stevens Point, I grew up near Madison. That’s where my family is. It’s home, in the biggest sense of the word. That’s where I go when the family-type holidays roll around, and that’s where I went this Christmas.

A couple months ago, I went down to Madison to attend Wiscon. It’s nice to go to a convention that doesn’t involve spending all day on a plane, and this one is practically in my backyard.

While I was there, I ended up hooking up with Tobias Buckell and David Anthony Durham. And by “hooking up” I mean that we were going to hang out at the coffee shop and chat. Not that they aren’t attractive men and all… But… well. Yeah.

Anyway, before I go into the coffee shop, I hit the Jamba Juice next door. Because I love Jamba Juice. Specifically, I love the Orange Dream Machine smoothie. If there was a Jamba Juice here in Stevens Point, that is all I would eat. Ever.

So I get a smoothie and head across the street to the coffee shop. There, I order a mocha and politely ask if it’s okay for me to bring in my smoothie. The hipster behind the counter is cool about it, and I tip him generously.

So Toby, David, and I are waiting for our drinks when a policeman shows up. Not mall security. This is a real cop, blue suit, badge, gun and everything.

This makes me edgy. Back in high-school my friends and I used to be hooligans. Our main hobby was toilet-papering houses. In a small town like Deforest (which is where I went to school) that means that you have to get pretty good at dodging the cops, because most of their job was keeping us from doing stuff like that. It was like an elaborate game of tag.

My friends and I were pretty good at it, and we were never caught. We developed highly sensitive cop radar that let us know when to run or hide.

The unfortunate result is that these days, whenever I see a cop, I feel like I’ve done something wrong. This isn’t helped by the fact that at any given moment that I might be returning from, going to, carrying around, or at least thinking about something illegal.

So when I see the cop, I immediately feel shifty. I do a mental inventory of my pockets and backpack, wondering what I have on me that might get me in trouble. This is also a holdover from highschool. Back then, innocent things riding around in your car with you can get you in trouble. Things like fireworks, silly string, shaving cream, and, of course, the case of toilet paper in the trunk.

But I don’t have anything on me. Lockpicks might raise an eyebrow, but they’re legal to carry here in Wisconsin. I have a bottle of caffeine in my backpack. And while it looks suspicious, it’s not illegal either. I’m clean.

Still, I can’t help but feel like this cop is giving me the eye. I get my mocha and wander over to the condiment stand to add my requisite four or five sugars. I’m sure of it: he’s looking me over. Is it because I have terrorist beard? That might single me out in line at the airport, but in a coffeeshop in downtown Madison? Not likely. There are hippies here aplenty.

I head over to the table Toby and David have picked out, and he’s still watching me. What is it? Am I wearing my t-shirt that says, “You say tomato, I say fuck you.” No. Is it my black leather trench coat? Am I just radiating latent guilt? What? What?

He comes over to the table where I’ve just taken off my coat. His expression is serious, he’s frowning a little. Then it occurs to me – the Jamba Juice. He knows that I shouldn’t have it here in the coffee shop. Is it illegal to have a carry-in?

He then he says. “Did you write The Name of the Wind?”

And I’m floored. He’s read my book. We chatted for a bit, and I got to look popular in front of my fellow writers.

However, I knew that for what it was, a fluke. There had been a story about me in the paper a couple days before. A “Local Boy Does Good” sort of thing. They used a picture of me, and I have to admit I do have a bit of a distinctive look.

Jump forward to last week. Sarah and I are walking out to my car in the Borders parking lot. Heading toward the bookstore is a stranger, making more than the usual amount of eye-contact. As he had some respectable chin growth, I figured he was just expressing beard solidarity.

But then, as he comes closer he nods and says, “I like your work.”

I say, “You’re kidding me. You know who I am?”

He does, apparently. Still, I can pass this off as a fluke too. It did happen in the parking lot of a bookstore, after all.

But then, two days later, I’m at the post office mailing the check out to Heifer. When I hand the guy the envelope, he looks down at it, then says, “Are you the writer Pat Rothfuss?”

So… yeah. It was weird. Cool, but weird. It’s nice that these last two things happened when Sarah was around, so she thinks I’m cooler than I really am. This is important because she’s much prettier and nicer than me. I need to have something to balance the scales out.

In unrelated news, I’m going to be making an appearance at a bookstore in Pasadena on January 17th. I can’t lay my hands on the details right now, but I’ll post them up as soon as I can find the appropriate piece of paper.

Hope everyone is having a good time,

pat

Also posted in appearances, my rockstar life | By Pat43 Responses
Published: November 14, 2008

Heifer Fundraiser: More Prizes, More Questions

You guys are awesome. I think I can safely say that.

It’s been less than four days, and we’re raised over 5000 dollars. That’s not counting my matching donation or any of the donations being made by people who are mailing checks or choosing option two.

If you’ve joined us late in the game and don’t know what’s going on, you should probably check out the blog OVER HERE. It gives the details of what we’re doing.

News.

  • I’ve added more prizes to the Lottery option, because we’re having a bigger response than I initially anticipated. I’ve added more maps, signed books, and a second Advance Reading Copy of book two.
  • I’ve been contacted by a bunch of authors who are donating signed books and other cool things to the cause. I’ll be posting up details as soon as those books come in. We’re going to have a LOT of new stuff in the mix.
  • My delightful PR person over at Penguin has managed to find us more copies of the DAW sampler. So we have 60 of those in the mix, each with a teaser chapter from The Wise Man’s Fear.

Everyone say, “Thank you Erica.”

You know she’s cool, because I don’t let just anyone wear my gnome hat.

Now, answers to more questions.

  • “Can you add an early reading copy of book two to the Sure Thing option? I’d pay ANYTHING for an advance reading copy of book two. ANYTHING!”

Really? Okay. I’ve added it to the list of things for sale under option two. You can buy one for 1000 bucks.

Here’s the deal. I’m not saying you can have it right now. You’ll get it when it’s ready, and right now it isn’t ready. I can’t promise you a galley copy either, because I don’t know how many of those I’ll have at my disposal. But if I can’t get you a galley, I’ll print a copy off for you on my own personal printer, bind it together, sign it, and mail it to you. Maybe I’ll draw a little goat on it too.

New – If you’re interested in this option, keep in mind that your 1000 dollars doesn’t get added to the lottery. You’re effectively going for Option Two, as described over HERE. If you don’t know what Option Two is, go over there and read about it.

Now just so you know, I’d never sell advance copies of the book like this just to make money. That would be crass. But this is for charity. So if you have money to burn, and you *really* want it that badly. Drop that check in the mail. I’ll even add 200 bucks of my own. 1200 dollars is ten goats for ten families.

  • “I love that you’re doing this. Can I post about this on my blog?

Absolutely. I’d like nothing better than for people to help spread the word. Tell your friends on Myspace. Twitter it. If you’re on Facebook, you can join the event someone created for the fundraiser. Feel free to sign up and invite your friends. The more the merrier.

However, I would prefer if you would link to my blog, rather than trying to copy-and-paste my post. That page gets updated whenever we get new prizes or something changes.

  • “I plan on donating to Heifer Int’l this year as a gift to my parents. In the past, donating directly, I received a card verifying the donation. If I donate through your page will I still receive the same type of gift card/verification?”

For those of you who are new to Heifer, this is the card he’s talking about:

(Click to Embiggen)

These cards are actually really cool. They talk about the work Heifer does, and how the different animals improve people’s lives.

I called Heifer and they reassured me that donating off MY PAGE is just the same as donating through their gift catalogue or anywhere else on their site. You still have the option of requesting the gift cards.

  • “Can I donate to Heifer International using paypal?”

Nope. Sorry. But if you have Paypal, I’m guessing you have a credit card. You can use that.

  • “I don’t have a credit card. If I mail you a check will you enter me in the lottery and match my donation?”

Absolutely.

  • “Can I send you cash?”

Muahahahahah….

Um…. Wait. No. You really shouldn’t. It’s just risky all around.

However, if you don’t have a checking account or a credit card, you could get a money order and send that to me. I’ll enter you in the lottery, and double your donation.

That’s all for now folks, keep spreading the word.

pat

Also posted in baby ducks, FAQ, Worldbuilders 2008 | By Pat23 Responses
Published: November 12, 2008

Heifer Fundraiser: A Few Questions Answered.

Today has been a great day.

Today I woke up feeling refreshed. The tight knot in my back that’s been bothering me for almost a year was almost non-existent. I found myself singing in the shower, something that I used to do a lot, but haven’t lately.

It’s no great mystery what’s making me feel this way. It’s the fact that in less than 24 hours, we’ve raised more than 2000 dollars for a great charity. More that 4,000 after I match everyone’s donations. Success beyond my wildest expectations.

This is so much fun.

Click Here to Donate

Hmmmm…. I wish that little thermometer said, “We’ve raised.”

Anyway, because we’ve had such a strong start, I waned to answer a few questions people have been asking.

  • “Will you stop matching donations when you hit 5,000 dollars?”

No. I’ll match all the donations that are made.

Earlier today, when I told Sarah how well things were going, she looked at me a little nervously and asked, “Are you going to be okay with it if people donate 10,000 and you have to match it?”

“I expect I will whistle a jaunty tune,” I said happily.

“What if they raise 20,000?” She pressed.

“Then I will probably perform a tiny, happy dance while I whistle,” I explained.

Don’t misunderstand me here. I’m not all Scrooge McDuck rich over here. But I can’t think of any better way to go broke than this.

Truth is, when I was setting up the page on Heifer, I set the goal at 5000 because I had no idea if y’all would be interested. I didn’t want to set it really high, because then if I only got a few donations, I’d feel like a sad loser.

But because this actually seems to be going somewhere, here’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to raise the goal on the donations page to 10,000. If we hit that, I’ll be all tingly.

I’m also going to add more prizes to the pool, so that everyone still has a good chance of getting something cool. That way, you can tell help me recruit more people without feeling like you’re ruining your chances to win stuff.

I’ll post up more details about the new prizes in a couple days.

  • Can I do some fundraising of my own, then donate it and have you match it?

By all means. Have a bakesale. Search under the couch cushions at your friends’ houses. Show people at work the website then pass the hat. I’m matching donations from any and all who want to chip in.

But make sure you get it in by Dec 11th. And make sure you donate through THE PAGE I SET UP. That’s the only way I can track donations.

  • “I can buy chicks on your page, but not baby ducks!”

Yeah. They don’t offer all the different options on the donor pages. The cost of a flock of ducks is the same as for the chicks: $20.

  • “How much of my donation to Heifer goes to actually helping people?”

This is a fair question. A lot of so-called charities are actually just scams that collect money, then use a very small amount of it for the intended purpose.

But trust me that I’ve done my research. Heifer is an award-winning charity for a reason. They’ve been doing good works for over 60 years.

Heifer keeps all its financial records available to the public, and 75% of everything it collects go directly toward helping people.

Here’s a nice visual breakdown from Heifer’s site.

You can see here that less than seven percent of their money goes toward administration. That’s exceptional.

  • “I live in [foreign country]. Can I still send you a check and buy a book?”

Yes. I stopped by the post office and bank today and peppered them with questions. So here’s how it will work.

It costs me $20 dollars to ship a book internationally. Every additional book in the same package adds $10 to the cost of shipping.

So here’s what you do:

1) Add the extra shipping to the prices I’ve already given.

2) Add three bucks to cover the fee that the bank is going to charge me.

3) Convert it into your local currency. (euros, pounds, rupees, whatever)

4) Write me a check using your local currency. (This is important. Don’t write me a check in dollars if that isn’t what they use where you live.)

5) Mail it off to me with the other information I’ve asked for written on a notecard.

Easy as pie.

  • “I love that you’re willing to donate to charity. Would you match my donation to [insert name of charity here] instead?”

Everyone has their favorite charity. As I said in my first post on the subject, I know there are a lot of good causes out there, and people have very personal attachments to them. Emotions run high in these areas.

Someone contacted me asking about animal shelters, another about diabetes. A third person posted a comment on the blog, arguing that people living in the US shouldn’t give money to charities that support causes outside the US. I erased the post because it was harshing my groove, then I felt guilty about it because the person was very polite in making their point.

But here’s what I’m getting at. I think it’s important not to go all Bruce Wayne in these situations.

Follow along with me on this. Bruce Wayne’s folks were killed by criminals, so he grows up and becomes Batman in order to fight crime. Because he hates crime. Because his parents were killed by crime.

Now I like Batman as much as the next guy. Good stories. Batarangs. Men in tights. He’s probably my favorite superhero, or close to it. But the fact is, his whole Batman deal is pretty self-indulgent.

Think about it. Dude is a multi-billionaire. If he wanted to make the world a better place, he could create a foundation 100 times bigger than Heifer International. He could build shelters for battered women, schools in low-income neighborhoods. Sustainable agriculture. Renewable energy.

What does he do with his money? He builds super-gadgets so he can fight crime. Drives a rocket car.

Yes I know that Bruce Wayne is also a philanthropist. Don’t quibble. He does a tiny bit of charity, and a whole big shitload of being Batman.

Why? Well… because it wouldn’t be much of a comic if he didn’t. But the other answer is, he fights crime because it makes him feel good. Not because it does good. There’s a difference.

Cancer got my mom not too long ago, and it took a good hard swing at my dad, too. That means that I shoul
d be raising money for cancer research because I hate cancer, right?

Well…. no. Do I hate cancer? Of course. But if I just focused on fighting cancer for the rest of my life, I’d kind of be doing it for selfish reasons. Instead, I’d rather focus on making people’s lives better. I’d like to focus on doing good, then let the feeling good be the side effect.

That’s why I’m focusing on Heifer. They help people all over the world, not just here in the US. Why? Because people all over the world have it really shitty and they need help. To say that some people deserve my help more just because they’re from the same country…. Nah. That’s not my game. I’m playing for team human, not team USA.

Does that make sense? Wait…. What was the question again?

Oh. Yeah. Will I match donations somewhere else instead of Heifer? Respectfully, I’ll pass. I’m not saying you should stop loving your charity. But I’ve put some thought into this, and I’m going to stick with Heifer for now.

Lastly, for anyone who’s interested. I’m going to be doing a workshop (4:00) and a reading/signing (7:00) at a library in Lanesboro, MN tomorrow (Wednesday the 12th). I’m excited because I hear this place is about fifteen miles away from Lake Wobegone.

Want more details? Check out the my tour schedule page.

Later all,

pat

Also posted in FAQ, Worldbuilders 2008 | By Pat26 Responses
Published: October 2, 2008

Concerning Fanmail: Part One

So while I wasn’t paying attention, I apparently received my 1500th piece of fanmail.

Rather, I should probably say I recently received mail from my 1500th fan. There’s been more mail than that, because sometimes I end up e-mailing back and forth with people who drop me a line. Interviews. Witty banter. Coy flirtation. Geek talk. That sort of thing.

But yeah. 1500, people have sent me messages. And that’s just through the contact form on my webpage. That doesn’t count the people who have dropped me a line through Myspace, or Facebook, or sent me a physical letter. I’m guessing that if I counted those, the number would rise up over two thousand.

It’s a little stupefying now that I’m stopping to think of it.

I won’t lie to you, fanmail is great. There have been occasional exceptions to this, like the guy who sent me a message saying that he hoped a dog would bite me on the nuts. But even that made me laugh.

I’ll even go so far as to say that over the last year or so, fanmail has significantly improved the quality of my life. I’ve had some real emotional low points since the book came out. But many’s the time when I’d get a little note from someone and it would salvage what was shaping up to be a real turd of a day.

Like today, for example. Today someone sent me a pair of fucking nunchucks. I’m not even kidding. Look:

Okay. This picture is crap. But the nunchucks are cool. They’re heavy, solid. Not toys at all. And the only thing keeping me from swinging them around as an idiot is the thought of showing up as Guest of Honor at V-Con having broken my own nose.

They were sent to me as the “something cool” part of the package so I’d sign someone’s book. I was understandably delighted.

Then, later, I was out running errands and found out my favorite restaurant had just shut down. This place made sandwiches so good that they were sexual. Not just regular sexual either. These sandwiches were transcendent. They were the sandwich equivalent of a three-way. It was like you, the sandwich, and a sexy god made entirely of bacon got together for a friendly yiff.

Anyway, my point is that my favorite restaurant closed. Depressing. I was ready to be really bummed out. Then I thought to myself, “Someone sent me nunchucks today. I have nunchucks at home right now that I can go and play with.” And my day was saved.

Of course, not all fanmail is physical. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t lovely. Take this excerpt, for example.

I want to thank you so very much. Your book brought me and my girlfriend closer together. Life is tough, my girlfriend and I have a 15 month old son (named after me!) and it seems all we do is work and work and occasionally work some more. Money is always tight and stress is always high, but your book brought a respite from our monotonous routine. J—- loved it (as I hope you guessed already). I had so much fun discussing the book with her I can not even put it to words.

Needless to say, reading something like that is every bit as good as getting nunchucks in the mail. What’s more, that e-mail has the added bonus of having absolutely no chance of breaking my girlfriend’s coffee mug. Which I just did.

In part two of this post, I’ll share more of my favorite fanmail excerpts. Y’all have said some crazy stuff over the last year.

Stay tuned.

pat

Also posted in fanmail, my rockstar life | By Pat31 Responses
Published: August 20, 2008

Convention stories

It seems like every time I’m at a convention, a thousand small, cool things happen. There’s usually a dozen or so that catch at me, and I think, “I’ll write about that in the blog when I get home.”

But then I actually get home, and I’m tired. Then the next day I need to do laundry, and answer about 800 e-mails, and make lusty snugglebunnies with my girlfriend.

And sometimes I write, too. I don’t know if y’all have heard, but there is a book that I’m supposed to be working on.

Typically, by the time I’m caught back up with my life, the memory of those cool little moments has faded somewhat. And so most of them just gently evaporate without ever being written down. Which is a shame, really.

So, instead of trying to weave all of these things into any sort of consistent narrative, I’m just going to bang a few of them out there. If you’re one of those literary folks, you can think of these as vignettes. If not, you can just pretend you’re reading a Vonnegut novel.

*****

I hate it when you’re at a crowded convention, and people stop in the middle of the hallway to talk to their four friends.

I know that one of the great joys of the convention is running into people and having a nice chat. I myself have been known to stop and talk with friends I haven’t seen in a long while. However, the center of the hallway is not the place for this conversation. A coffee shop? Yes. Over dinner at the Italian place? Certainly. How about over in the lounge there, on the couches? Why that sounds lovely too….

The hallway? No. That is not the right place for your reunion.

You see, the purpose of a hallway is to allow people to move from one place to another. That is its primary function. That is key to the platonic form of the hallway. If you stop in the hallway to talk, you are acting contrary to the fundamental nature of the hallway. This angers god and all clear-thinking individuals. Including me. Yes me, the person standing behind you. Yes me, the person standing motionless behind you in the hallway. Yes the person who looks as if he is thinking about howling with rage, punching you in the neck, then stepping over your doughy, twitching body.

In the interest of politeness and civilization, I resist my urges. However, I am tempted to do something. Like make buttons that read: “Hallways? Ask me how!” or a pamphlet entitled: “Hallways: a user’s guide for getting the fuck out of my way.”

*****

Bad – My cell phone went off during a panel.

Worse – I was one of the panelists.

Worst – I was the moderator.

P.S. Then it went off again.

*****

When did clocks become unfashionable? Am I the only one who remembers when you could go into a store and there would be a clock on the wall? You know, for the telling of time? Who decided that wasn’t cool anymore?

Yes I know most people have cell phones these days. But that shouldn’t make any difference. People used to have watches. You know what’s easier than digging around in your backpack, pulling out your phone, then opening it? Looking up on the fucking wall and seeing a clock there. That’s what.

*****

Fans are cool. My fans are cool to an exponentially higher degree. At gencon, after my first panel, a lovely young lady came up and handed me this….

This isn’t a terribly good reproduction of the watercolour, as I just snapped it with my digital camera. But the picture is obviously a likeness of me from when I dressed up like a gnome at gencon last year.

Did I ever post up a picture of that? I can’t remember. Here it is, just in case:

I never remember to take pictures of myself at these things, so I owe this picture to the fan who sent it along to me. When e-mailed it, she told me the story of how her daughter laughed when she saw it.

Her mom though that she was laughing at the obvious thing: a man dressed like a gnome. But apparently that wasn’t it at all. The little girl reached out, brushed at my face in the picture, and said, “I like his fur.”

Score another point for the beard.

*****

Though I’ve done a bunch of traveling lately, I’ve never flown on Southwest Airlines before. They don’t have assigned seating. Every ticket has a number, you board the plane in that order, then you pick whatever seat looks best to you, depending on what’s left. It was a little weird. Not bad, just unfamiliar.

Also, Southwest apparently has the only funny flight attendants in the whole business. I’ve tuned out the standard safety procedures for over a year now. You know what I’m talking about: that little pre-flight spiel where they explain how the seat belt works and lie to you about your seat cushion being able to float.

But on Southwest, the woman said, “Please listen closely while my ex-boyfriend and fiance demonstrate the safety procedures.” And I did pay attention, especially when she started to make fun of one of the guys who couldn’t get his life jacket on quickly enough for her taste. Later, when she was walking down the isle, one of the guys got on the intercom and made a boom-bada boom-bada noise in time with her walk. It was good fun.

Lastly, on Southwest, they don’t cheap you on the snacks. They go around with a big box of different goodies, and if you say, “I want one of each.” Then they just give you one of each. They didn’t act like the CEO was going to count the packets of peanut butter crackers at the end and beat them if one is missing. Plus you got a whole can of soda and not just a cupful, which I appreciate.

These may not sound like much, but life, like writing, is built from small details. If I’m going to pay 400 bucks for a plane ticket, then I want a whole can of soda and an extra packet of peanuts. Does it make me feel better? Yes. Yes it does. It’s like being given the choice between sodomy and sodomy with a little lube. You’re going to have the sodomy either way, so you come to appreciate whatever small pieces of consideration the airline overlords grant you.

*****

That’s all for now. More later. Off to bed.

pat

Also posted in conventions, cool things | By Pat37 Responses

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