The Good Life

A while back I was in the grocery store picking up something to eat. I ended up behind a mom and her little boy in the checkout line. She was buying all sorts of grown-up groceries: hamburger, milk, celery, saltines, green peppers, tomatoes…

I was buying Fritos, some Mountain Dew, and a box of Fruity Pebbles.

The boy looked at his mom’s groceries, then at my groceries. Back and forth. I could see him putting together the pieces. His mom’s groceries were going to make meatloaf. My groceries….

That’s when I realized how awesome my life is. I was living this kid’s dream. Of course, I was living MY dream too, but I had forgotten it until this moment.

I looked at him and pointed at the Fritos. “When I get home, I’m going to eat all of those,” I said. “and it’s going to completely spoil my dinner.” I smiled and pointed to the box of fruity pebbles. “That’s my dinner.”

He didn’t say anything. He was only about six or seven, and I’m guessing that he was too stunned with my untrammeled glory to put together a full sentence.

But he looked up at me with eyes that said, I want to be like you. How can I do these things which you have shown me?

“Go to college,” I told him.

I was just about to tell him that I was going to put the Mountain Dew on the cereal instead of milk when his mom hustled him away, probably because she thought I was some kind of pervert.

Which is only fair, I suppose. I probably am.

Later all,

pat

This entry was posted in being awesome, BJ Hiorns Art, College Survival Guide, day in the life, My checkered pastBy Pat32 Responses

32 Comments

  1. Captain Joe
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 9:22 AM | Permalink

    Pat, I was that little boy.Also, < HREF="http://laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/captain-james-t-kirk-awesome1.jpg" REL="nofollow">awesome.<>

  2. marky
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 10:19 AM | Permalink

    I was buying Fritos, some Mountain Dew, and a box of Fruity Pebbles. ——————————What are these treats you speak of? We deep fry Mars bars in Scotland. Chocolate and caramel goodness, surrounded in crispy batter. Mmmm!

  3. nathan
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 12:52 PM | Permalink

    HAHA, that was a terrific little story. Totally awesome. I wonder what Mountain Dew over Fruity Pebbles actually tastes like… Off to the lab (kitchen) for some research i suppose…

  4. Vae
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 12:54 PM | Permalink

    actually, off to the store to get the test items first…

  5. Sailor Matt
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 1:04 PM | Permalink

    Why does this sound so familiar? No seriously, I feel like I’ve read this before.Actually, I know I’ve read this before, but I was only saying “I feel” to be nice, or to sound a little less absolute. Is there a word for when you intentionally downplay something, like when you say “I think you made a spelling error,” when really you KNOW their stupid ass spelled it wrong?Where’s my ADD medication?Pat, you’re awesome.Hugs to everyone.

  6. Amanda
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 4:06 PM | Permalink

    I remember this College Survival Guide. It was one of my favorites ever. Except for the one that was almost solely about clown sex.

  7. Mike Toot
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 6:18 PM | Permalink

    My teeth cringe at the thought of Mountain Dew over Fruity Pebbles. Yeesh.On the other hand, it is good to be the king. Once I had Wheat Thins and Red Vines for dinner <>because I could<>. My wife still laughs at me for that, but I don’t care — it tasted just fine to me!

  8. Judy
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 6:54 PM | Permalink

    Pat – I love you – I really do. HOWEVER…… do that in front of one of MY three boys, and YOU get to drive them home and spend the next week and a half explaining over and over and over and over and over and over again exactly WHY Fruity Pebbles does NOT qualify as being part of one of the major food groups, despite the word “Fruity” in the title….Hugs and a good dental bill…

  9. Kalligenia
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 6:55 PM | Permalink

    You’re living the good life! I eat cereal or Kraft dinner at any time of the day for any meal I choose. Also, Fritos are made from corn. It’s like a vegetable!

  10. Sailor Matt
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 7:06 PM | Permalink

    High fructose corn syrup is made from corn, too… You should be sproutin’ “ears” by now, Pat!

  11. Chee
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 9:29 PM | Permalink

    pat, if you die before finishing all your books….

  12. Sedulo
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 9:51 PM | Permalink

    Pat:Do you like candy corn? I think that should have been dessert.

  13. Brids
    Posted October 17, 2008 at 10:56 PM | Permalink

    hey new to the blog… I love the book (obviously, as if it needs to be said.)lol argh my teeth cringe at the thought, but i have been eating chocolate and drinking cola pretty much all day… so they are cringing anyway. You’re now my food hero.& Sailor Matt, thats called a hedge, its a lexis or phrase used to lessen the impact of a statement like “im not sure but i think Pat may be the coolest man alive”Im a language geek :D…

  14. Sailor Matt
    Posted October 18, 2008 at 12:26 PM | Permalink

    A hedge… sweet! Thanks Brids!

  15. Anonymous
    Posted October 18, 2008 at 3:57 PM | Permalink

    I love fruity pebbles!

  16. Steven Weyerts
    Posted October 18, 2008 at 4:23 PM | Permalink

    So this is the awesomeness we’ve all been waiting for?It was even better than I’d expected.Bravo, Pat. You made me laugh in the morning. That’s not something you can take lightly. I’m not a morning person.

  17. Mary J.
    Posted October 18, 2008 at 5:54 PM | Permalink

    @ Judy-Just like the grocery mom you are right to fear Pat’s mighty influence. My eleven year old son, Scott, got to meet Pat during his last Gencon visit and <>worships<> all things Pat now.

  18. pdxtrent
    Posted October 19, 2008 at 12:20 AM | Permalink

    I am somehow not surprised that Joe was that boy, he gets around. Interestingly, that sounds eerily like my own shopping list. Except its Doritos, Barqs and Lucky Charms. I frequently get cashiers who look at my shopping cart and comment, “bachelor?” Word verification is jsqnak, which is a Klingon word having to do with dishonorable shots below the belt I think.@ Mary J- We all do, so he’s in great company. Or at least distinctive.

  19. Angela
    Posted October 19, 2008 at 2:00 AM | Permalink

    Hah! I’m actually in college right now and I get reprimanded by the old guy running the cash register if I get pizza. He’s gonna give me an eating disorder…mostly because I’ll stuff my face to annoy his grumpy old ass, though.Huzzah for college!

  20. Angela
    Posted October 19, 2008 at 2:04 AM | Permalink

    Oh, p.s., I just read some of your older blogs and I definitely have to insult someone by calling them a “insipid, feckless, witfucked pog.” Watch out creepy cafeterie guy, you won’t know what hit you with this new age Shakespearean style insult.

  21. Mary J.
    Posted October 19, 2008 at 4:33 AM | Permalink
  22. Angela
    Posted October 19, 2008 at 4:49 AM | Permalink

    Mary J.,That sight is sheer awesomeness. It reminds me of the Shakespearean insult wall we had at my high school. It’s always fun to have handy insults that the staff couldn’t get mad at you for using because they were educational. Ah, the beauty of Shakespeare. Few people realize just how truly perverted and insulting his plays are.On an only slightly related note, it amazes me that my drama club was allowed to perform shakespeare and not phantom of the opera. Perhaps the mask would scare small children?Blarg. I’ve written too much.

  23. roblex
    Posted October 19, 2008 at 6:45 AM | Permalink

    When I buy a Pizza, a party bag of Doritos & dip and popcorn and chocolate I usually have my daughter with me so the assistant does not look at me with a face that says ‘batchelor!’ they say ‘I can see your wife is away for the weekend again’

  24. Danidae
    Posted October 19, 2008 at 4:11 PM | Permalink

    As long as you get the major food groups it doesn’t matter. For dinner yesterday I had two swiss cake rolls (dairy cuz they’re cream-filled), white cheddar cheez-its (bread), a strawberry shortcake icecream bar (fruit), and I accidentally forgot to take the pickle off of my hamburger (meat, vegetable). See, eating right is easy.

  25. Anonymous
    Posted October 20, 2008 at 12:13 AM | Permalink

    Actually, Dew on Pebbles is delicious. Really delicious.

  26. endo
    Posted October 20, 2008 at 7:16 AM | Permalink

    Personally, I’m a cheerios and guinness man. Which is incredibly odd, since I don’t otherwise like beer.

  27. Carolyn Blount Brodersen
    Posted October 20, 2008 at 5:01 PM | Permalink

    Of all the wonderful names I can truthfully call you, Foodie is not one of them. Bummer. Otherwise, you are my perfect hero.

  28. Alexis
    Posted October 20, 2008 at 8:12 PM | Permalink

    Pat Can I just repeat for the record that you make me happy? And I think you make a reasonable adult role model. But maybe this says something about me…. During a recent excursion to an awesome crepe restaurant, I realized after sitting down that I was really only one crepe worth of hungry. As a kid I would have ordered a savory crepe and then (already full) been allowed to eat the dessert crepe I really wanted. My adult, answer was to skip the dinner crepe and go straight to dessert. To the fun-killers out there I would have you know that with my approach my chance of heart disease is actually smaller than if I had followed my mother’s advice…. And that doesn’t reference the fun factor :)These can’t be every day things but sometimes I just need to pull a bowl of ice cream out of the freezer for breakfast and flip on the cartoons, knowing that lunch is my next ‘required’ order of business, or (completely sober thank you) sing show tunes in a full voice while wandering main street with friends. These activities would have made my mother pray for patience, but for me, these are the things that offset the adult need to be at work at 7am and to pay bills.To living the dream and being big kids but never adults! :D Alexis

  29. Kip, DELICIOUS!
    Posted October 21, 2008 at 12:28 PM | Permalink

    Why couldn’t he be a Foodie? Maybe he is a new and adventurous Foodie, exploring reaches of the world of taste never thought possible by the likes of man or woman kind!Do you know what I tried the other day?Lucky Charms, not in milk! No fo rthat would be too easy! it was in ont of those Starbucks Frapachino thingies. It was awesome.

  30. Cathy R
    Posted October 22, 2008 at 7:52 PM | Permalink

    Reminds me of a time…(background – I teach chemistry labs, and needed supplies for a dairy product extraction lab)Picture the checkout clerk as the following comes through the line: whole milk, skim milk, soy milk, goat’s milk, yogurt, powdered milk, condensed milk, etc. etc.Then…. five boxes of lactaid tablets.The look on the checker’s face was PRICELESS!!

  31. Mark
    Posted October 29, 2008 at 10:35 PM | Permalink

    Dew and Pebbles are okay, but I was never fond of the..er…<>waxy buildup<>…that it left on the spoon, and the bowl, and your mouth.Froot Loops, on the other hand, are <>teh awesome<>.

  32. thomas
    Posted October 30, 2008 at 5:18 AM | Permalink

    Hi Pat! Love the book, natch was browsing your blog to see if I could find any information when the sequel was coming out and ran across this little gem. : ) I’m an actor and I was just wondering if I could use this as audition material as I think it would make a great comedic monologue. Whaddya say? : )

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