I have trouble with simple things sometimes.
For example: I’m going to be Guest of Honor at Gencon this year.
That isn’t the hard part. Truth is, being Guest of Honor is a pretty sweet gig. I had my first taste of it up in V-Con last year.
When you’re GOH, the convention typically does lovely things for you, like pay for your hotel room and your flight out to the convention. Usually an author has to pay for all that out of their own pocket, which means it’s really expensive to hit two or three cons in a year. Let alone the five or six I usually try to attend.
This year, through a weird confluence of events, I’m going to be Guest-of-Honoring at four different conventions. Details are over on the Tour Page, if you’re interested.
One of these conventions is only a couple of weeks away, down in Madison. I’m sorry I haven’t posted up the info about Oddcon sooner, but I’ve been busy writing, and I was called in as a last minute pinch-hitter GOH to replace Tobias Buckell. He had to bow out on account of his wife being super-pregnant. If you’re interested, they’ve extended pre-registration until Friday because of the change of plans.
Anyway, in exchange for having our expenses paid, the GOH has certain responsibilities. The main one of these is to do stuff for the convention. We do more than the usual number of readings, signings, panels. Etc.
I don’t have a problem with this. This is why I go to conventions. I like talking about stories. That’s what I’m all about.
My problem was with something much simpler. As I mentioned above, I’m going to be the author GOH at Gencon this year. So they asked me to write a bio they can put in the program book….
This should be easy. It’s short. 150 words. When I was born. Where I’m from. What I’ve done. Stuff like that.
But I overthink these things. It’s a problem I have.
So I write a regular bio. Names. Dates. The Name of the Wind. Sold in 27 countries. Simple.
But then when I’m finished, I read that bio and it seems really dry and boring.
So I write a new bio. I want it to be better. Different. A little funny. I want it to be cool. Sexy even.
But then I read that one and it seems desperate, whorish. It’s stupid and corny.
So I write a new bio. I tone it down, try to be subtle, understated, professional.
But then I read that one and it seems boring again, plus stiff and awkward. Plus fakey.
So, finally, I get fed up and write something like this:
Patrick Rothfuss sprung fully formed from Marge Rothfuss, his mother, in Madison Wisconsin. In a mere three months, Pat grew to the height of a man while teaching himself to read and write using only a shovel and a dead cat.
When the voices told him to, Pat left home to attend college in at University Wisconsin Stevens Point where he joined Slytherin house and had many wonderful adventures. After graduating, Pat evolved into a being of pure light and energy. Then he went to grad school and evolved even further into being composed entirely of bile, anger, binder twine, and sweet, sweet, methadone. After grad school Pat joined forces with five plucky Japanese schoolgirls to form a giant robot that fights crime.
Through all of this Pat has read fantasy, watched fantasy, and written fantasy. Some academics have suggested that Pat eats, sleeps, and breathes fantasy, but this is simply untrue. The truth is that Pat eats burritos, sleeps like a drooly baby, and breathes a white-hot plasma composed of molten gold and rage.
And you know what? I like this bio the best. If I’m going to spew out bullshit, I’d rather have it be pure, unadulterated bullshit.
By the way, a lot of you have been asking who’s been doing my illustrations for the blog. It’s not me. I can’t draw worth a tinker’s damn. My illustrator’s name is Brett Hiorns, and he is awesome. You can say howdy to him in the comments, if you like.
That’s all I’ve got for now. More news soon. Cool news. Stay tuned.
pat
92 Comments
HI BRETT!
So close, Pat — but everyone knows that sentai shows have FIVE members, not six. You’ll have to bump one of the schoolgirls if you want to keep it believable.
Hello Brett. Nice artwork :)>>I think that Biography will put a smile on the people who read it; and at the end of the day, I think that’s more important than spewing dry facts (at least at a convention).>>Jan-Erik L.
Priceless!! = )
Gencon- Your Hoosier fangirls are so excited! That’s an outstanding bio btw.>>*waves at Brett*
you should get your fans to write bio’s and pick the best one !>oh and ANY form of art is very very fab X
Yeah, I like that bio the best too.
Come to the East Coast before I move again! Gosh durnit Pat, I want to meet you and bring you cookies!
yup, definetely the best bio! =D>>*waves to Brett*
Holy Cow! That bio was awesome!
Hi Brett! Brilliant pictures Brett!>>From regular attendee to Featured Author to GoH at GenCon… *hums the theme to The Jeffersons*
LMAO!!!! I love the fact that Pat has Hirojuku girls!
HI BRETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>>Thank you Pat. Once again you hve caused my boss to wonder at my sanity as I cackle insanely for no apparent (to her) reason… This bio rocks!!!!! :D>>Oh – and Happy Birkat Hachama!!!
Do those five school girls have names? And can they be hired? >>>Great artwork, Brett!
Hey Brett, awesome toons!
Howdy Brett, love the ‘toons.>>Please keep that bio. It makes you sound like a mix between Davy Crockett and Paul Bunyan with a little snarky English major thrown in. All writers should aspire to that level of bravado, in my not-so-humble opinion.
Yes, keep the bio! :)
Love the final write of the bio. At the end of the day, your stalkers already know how old you are, where you were born and what your favourite cereal is. The others won’t remember the facts, and are more likely to be interested in your eprsonality. Be you. It’s got you this far, hasn’t it?>>Also, hi Brett, love the illustrations! Your style is a lot like Studio Foglio, but takes itself a lot less seriously. Ace :)>>WV: bastrele: French prison for baked goods
Wow Pat! Congrats on your GoH thing. I wish I could make it to GenCon this year…sigh. >>Keep your camera with you at all times…you never know what weird ass costume you’ll see next.
Hie! >Great bio! Quirky and not dry ^^>And darn it! I wish i could attend the convention and get to meet you.
Brett is truly awesome! He’s so awesome I’m still jealous of him getting to be your official illustrator. I once illustrated for you, but it was more me pressing my illustrations on you in the Pointer! Oh, well. Brett’s great so I can’t be too jealous. I think the bio you settled on is great. Give the people what they expect. Entertain them AND make yourself smile!
What’s up with the dead cat? What’s your robot called? And what kind of problems are you encountering as you breathe molten gold (cf. Midas)?
Brett, keep drawing funny pictures of Pat. They are great.>>Pat, leave the bio just like you have it. It’s perfect.
Pure unadulterated bullshit is the best kind
Hey, Pat- Does being made of pure light adversely impact your ability to wear pants? And does the breathing gold thing create an inordinate number of hangers-on?>>Brett- fantastic artwork! You’ve captured Pat’s mastery of nunchuks perfectly!
Pat, I’d like to acquire the rights to write your life story. <>Patrick Rothfuss: The Tale Of A Man Who Became A Man That Writes Books.<> It’s got Oscar written all over it.>>Nice work, Mr. Hiorns. Hope to see more.
I think the issue here is how few people will realize this biography for truth. And for those who do? Wel can bask comfortably in your bizarre luminosity.
You’re a fan of burritos, Pat? Awesome. I like the bio – it’s brief, witty and pleasingly evocative.>>There’s a subtle modesty to the whole affair. Heh.>>Howdy, Brett.
I agree with all the other commentators (is that a word?) before me, stay with that bio. Also is there any chance they will be making a syndicated spin off of the 5 Japanese school girl super team things? To bad none of your Con appearances will be bringing you close to Arkansas.
Oh, and hello out to Brett, great work on the illustration.
your fantastic bio is pure win
That sir is how to write a bio!>>:) I too voice my support for #3
I approve of the bio.>>PS: Hello, Mr. Hiorns!
LMAO! Great Bio. Go with it. Although, we all know that you were sent to us from on high by the gods of writing to walk among us and show us the way of truly satisfying fiction (or is it?).
You should mention that you resuscitated the cat that helped you learn to read and write. Cat lovers, like myself, would see you under a better light for it…>>Oh, and hi Brett!
That biography is quite nice. I always got a laugh out of the David Lynch “Biography” on the DVD for Mulholland Dr. that states in utter simplicity: “Born In Missoula. Eagle Scout.”
Why wasn’t Philosophy Klub ever this enlightening? Always loved Brett’s work!
First off, the bio, it is made of awesome and win. Honestly, I prefer the types of bio’s that show the writer’s sense of humor. >>Also, I’m super excited about you comming to GenCon this year, as one of your Hoosier fangirls. Unfortunatly, I won’t be able to make it, since I’ll be super pregnant by then. Yeah, the con is two weeks before my due date and something tells me that my doctor probably won’t approve of me spending all day on my feet, even though it means I’ll be depriving my unborn child the chance to bask in your reflected glory. Now if the kid would be born a little early, I could slap on the little Starfleet uniform I knitted and give my little geek baby a proper introduction to the World of Nerd. I wonder what my husband will think when I propose hauling his first born off to a con in the first weeks of life. >>Well, at any rate, Indiana will welcome you, Pat. We’re always glad to have you here.
WOOT! Oddcon! Signing up right now… See you there Pat!>>Madisonians… UNITE!!!
Hi everyone! Glad you like the ‘toons. It’s a blast to illustrate for Pat because he always gives me the best images to work with–all I have to do is cover the paper with graphite and erase what he didn’t write.>>Pat–if anybody wants a “real” bio, they can just purchase your book and read the “about the author”. Go with this one for the cons.
amazing. that is the most amazing bio i have read. ever.
So, I had to write a bio for work last year. Sadly, my line of work (unlike the awesome-bestselling-fantasy-author line of work) doesn’t really encourage creative bios. It’s under a quarter of a page long and I still put myself to sleep writing it. (Luckily, I don’t think anyone will ever actually read it.)>>In conclusion, great bio, not to mention a truly outstanding book!
Oh please tell me that’s the bio you’re using. It’s hilarious!!! >>Hi Brett! You rock dude!
Pat, you need to check out http://www.mspaintadventures.com – I have a feeling you’ll really appreciate its style of humor.
I just read the Name of the Wind and am now considering attending my first con in 15 years so I can shake your hand and get a signature on my copy. It’s good. You’re good.>>I agree with the rest: keep the silly bio. People are more interested in personality than facts.>>“…Pat left home to attend college in at University Wisconsin Stevens Point…”>I think you need to lose that “in” before it gets printed.>>Pat, thanks for being you.>>Matt
Hi Brett! The pics are all sortsa pretty. Keep us the good work.>>Love the bio Pat
Hey Brett! -ace artwork.>> Haha the bio is great!! WHY oh why do all the kool things have to be in America…Pat when are you gonna come visit your English fans- we wanna bake you cookies and make you guest of honor too!!! x>>p.s i find the word game really amusing so….monchin a munchkin with a Bruce Campbell chin :D
That’s the first biography I’ve read from start to finish, because most biographies are packed with dull information I don’t really care about. This little piece of writing tells more about you, than any other type of bio could do.>>P.S.: howdy Brett!
Hopefully you said something to the effect of, “So I was your SECOND choice, huh? Weeellll, THAT’S gonna cost ya!”
Ah how I wish I was done with school, had money, and then I could attend these conferences I hear about. Pat, I sincerely hope you use that blurb as your bio. It’s completely legit and believable.
*rofl*>>The only thing missing in you bio is the big, blue, all-over-dangling…>>…>>beard. *smirk*
Even without reading any of your other attempts, I can tell that one’s the best.>>Except…what about the giant chinchillas? Can’t leave those out.
Hello Patrick! >>I hope everyting is well with you! I might be going very off-topic in this particular post with my question, but what the heck! >Do you play any musical instruments? I read in some interview with you that you enjoy listening to Leo Kottke and that his music is, well, Music. And considering that you write very expressive and emotional scenes where Kvothe plays his lute, I have the feeling you know what it feels like to play an instrument. Being a guitar player myself, I can say that I very much enjoyed NOTW from a musical aspect, which I find is rare nowadays in fantasy!>>Best wishes from Sweden! You’re awesome!
Great stuff as usual, Brett. >>I see you finally found a use for those nunchucks, Pat! >>A splendid bio, I’m insanely impressed. I hope you and Sarah have a great Easter, when it comes.
Did you do methadone? That hit a chord with me. I nearly lost my now-fiancee to the methadone, et al., sub-culture. Not a fun experience, pulling her out of a lifestyle that could have killed her.
“Did you do methadone? That hit a chord with me. I nearly lost my now-fiancee to the methadone, et al., sub-culture. Not a fun experience, pulling her out of a lifestyle that could have killed her.”>>>I don’t know for sure, but I’m pretty sure that this statement, like every other statement in the bio, is smartassery. Especially considering Pat doesn’t even drink. Not that that precludes recreational substance use of other kinds, but still…someone who doesn’t like alcohol probably doesn’t like opiates either.>>I call shenanigans.
I would have just sent them a paragraph of the word “BEARD”, in capital letters, repeated 150 times.
Hi Pat,>>Be careful concerning the bio: Such tales start out as fantasy, then they evolve into rumors, pass through confirmed sightings into he fields of well established facts. Ask Chuck Norris :-).>>To Brett: Well done, my image of Pat already relies completely on your drawings. I’m nearly convinced, that he uses a Nunchaku to write novels. Or does he apply them to negative critics? There are so few of them that i’m becoming suspicous.>>Have fun, Martin
Hi Brett! (Again!)>>Know what I learned in the last 24 hours? If you sleep just 5 out of the previous 48 hours, and then drive from western Montana to Wisconsin straight through while imbibing copious amounts of caffeine and Corn-Nuts while listening to the Deathly Hallows on CD, some fairly interesting hallucinations result.>>I’m pretty sure if I had been on a plane instead of in a car I’d have seen the same thing Lithgow and Shatner did on the Twilight Zone.
Pat…a friend of mine recommended your book to me this year. I loved it! Passed it on to a co-worker who is a prodigous (spelling?) reader and he finished it in less than a week! It’s rare that he does that unless it’s a particularly good book. Just thought you’d like to know!
I’ve been a fan of Brett’s for awhile, what with the College Survival Guide. If I remember correctly, didn’t he also illustrate for “Catball”? I <3 Catball & Clown Girl!
how do I find/buy the sequels to your first amazing novel, Name of the Wind? tried buying it at amazon, but they sent back note saying they could not obtain it. It’s a trilogy yes? where do I get the other two and what are the names ~ it’s a fantastic read and I’m hanging here waiting to finish it. Had to force myself to put it down and attend to other things! jamiej in sammamish, WA
My two favorite lines in this bio:>>“Sweet, sweet methodone”>>“… and breathes a white-hot plasma composed of molten gold and rage.”>>hehe.
“how do I find/buy the sequels to your first amazing novel, Name of the Wind? tried buying it at amazon, but they sent back note saying they could not obtain it. It’s a trilogy yes? where do I get the other two and what are the names ~ it’s a fantastic read and I’m hanging here waiting to finish it. Had to force myself to put it down and attend to other things! jamiej in sammamish, WA”>>They’re not published yet.
Bloody awesome bio. I hope I can come up with something as good as that to make someone read at my funeral! (Hopefully many, many years from now goes without saying)
I´m so glad you´re a Slytherin. Now we could be pureblood BFFs and rock potions class together! Kvothe is a Hufflepuff, isn´t he? ;)
I’m actually going to be on a panel with you at Gen Con, Pat. Am I allowed to quote from your bio regularly, in response to questions from the audience that are totally unrelated?
That’s brilliant! :)>>Hey, you might remember me from Slytherin House. Though, I am under the Witness Protection Program now and with all that surgery, I look a lot different.>>I can’t wait for GenCon now!
hah.. epic
That is awesome.>Also, it makes me smile that you joined Slytherin house.
You can make your bio sound whorish?>>We might have different definitions of whorish. If not, wow…>>First time I’ve commented, btw. Awesome book, nice blog.
Hi Brett good work!>>Hum cool news you say????>>*sits and waites* :)
hi pat,>>just saw your agenda for the next few months, it’s a miracle you have time left to work on book 2 :) I know, it is not ready yet, and yes, I know we will have to wait some more, espacially me and a friend of mine,we life in the Netherlands, so it takes a little longer. About the bio, I love your last one, fits you right!
I like that Bio the best too. Besides, if anything, it defiantly shows off your charisma.
Hey Man-with-a-beard-to-rival-god,>>First comment on your blog (whoop!, go me and that) and really enjoyed the bio. Just wondering if you have any plans to hit the UK in the near future and if so do you mind if I stalk you? Just a little of course. :)>>Also loved the first book, can’t wait for the second.
This reminds me of the “bio” blurb that the late (and sadly under-appreciated) Kevin Gilbert wrote after he wrote his first solo record: http://everything2.com/title/Kevin%2520Gilbert%2520autobiography>>Similar type of vibe as what you’re going for
I’m confused. Doesn’t everyone learn to read and write with dead cats? They’re the most effective learning tool.>>And, hi, Brett. Love the illustrations.
BEST. BIO. EVER! Seriously though, that was so awesome, funny, witty, genius. I read it aloud to my friend and we laughed for almost 10 minutes nonstop. Thank you for that :) Also, Brett – your illustrations are fantastic! Keep up the good work you two!>>So whats this cool new news you have for us? Must I be so patient? I really am doing my best…
If you’ve ever read some of the author bios that WotC uses for their own writers on the D&D site, you’d know that no one will bat an eye.
when the hell is book 2 coming out
Just thought I’d mention: I’m about to finish the French version of “the name of the Wind” (the book is’nt released yet but I got an ARC at Bragelonne) and WOW. Simply WOW!>It was pure pleasure. And the translation in French is superb. The music is really there.>Which means that I’ll have to order book 2 directly in english… Cause I simply won’t wait.>Congratulations.
Genius!! I always like it when people are real and not all that society fluffy bullshit lol. Love the book. thanks for taking the time to write it.
Howdy Brett…
You know, I really think you should use this one – at least it will make people laugh. And frankly, (not to make you feel bad) no one really cares when you wee bron, where you were born and so on and so forth.
This is the best bio I have read in ages…
your drawings for Pat Rothfuss are mad cool! I wish i could draw that well but i dont have the mad skillage that is required. Kudos on the mad skillage:)
… That was the best bio ever written by anyone ever
in the next book, that should be your picture for the “about the author” part
i don’t want to sound stalker-ish or anything, but seriously…
I love you…or, at any rate, your writing
you are the best author i have ever read.
and you should stick with the bio. I ended up cracking up for five minutes straight, and i sort of couldn’t breathe.
word verification: stest
steroid test?
OMFG, i loved your biography, it rocks! its Pat-styles. :) (thats probably WHY it rocks… Seriously. :D) Anyways, i think everything on your blog is unadulterated. Thats why its so funny to read. Besides, i think i’m probably one of the younger readers, (13) and most people above this age can read that kind of thing. (i think). Anyways, you have made it onto my top 5 favourite authors list, and i can read 93 books in five months. I have. I can read 55 books over a six week holiday. I have. I read my first book at 3 and was reading chapter books at the age of six. An yet, you are on my top five. THAT is how much you rock. I am currently writing my own book (more like chapter, as its only 27 pages long and i’m 3/4 of the way through, but i can build on it!!!) Anyways (what was i saying?) Finishing up before i make a fool of myself. (TOO LATE! xD) I’m just going through the mental list of (most) books i’ve read, and you DEFINITELY tie with Christopher Paolini… As first. Yep. First. (books. tied for first favourite t.v series are W.i.t.c.h and Avatar: the last airbender. they rock too.) So yeah. I can be patient waiting for the second book, i PROMISE i won’t ask you to hurry, as writing good books take time. Like, (even though i don’t drink, but its a good example!) Good wine takes years to mature. Much the same can be said for books. Excellent wine can take decades, even a century or two. So. I’ll be anticipating your book with relish, knowing the longer it takes, the better it’ll be.
Nekomata. (nicky)
P.S just in case you have spare time… (highly highly unlikely) http://philliediea.webs.com <-- my book online. Its there if you want it. :3
In regards to the above comment, i really need to set limits… x_x My bad…
Not sure if you read comments from blogs this old, but I spent the last ten minutes seeking this blog out for two reasons. One: it’s one of my favorites. I’ve made people read this blog before they even knew you or Kvothe (trust me, they do now). Two: As a young musician, a biography is one of those things you just have to do, and I wanted to hear someone articulate the frustrations better than I could and try to get a bit of inspiration. Yes Pat, I went to your blog for biography help, and I don’t feel bad about it. It’s just one of those things that never wants to be done and, like you, I make it way harder than it should be.
so, i really wonder how it is that you learn to write using only a dead cat and a shovel. Or read.
(P.S. Hi Brett!!)
Awesome illustrations, Brett. Patrick, keep the bio, it’s perfect.
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