Facebook and Fortune Cookies

A while back, I heard a rumor that Facebook wouldn’t let you have more than 5000 friends.

At the time, it was just a little blip of information: interesting, but not really relevant to my life. I remember thinking, “That’s sensible. Nobody could ever have 5000 friends anyway, and some sort of limit will keep facebook from getting all myspacey.”

Fast forward to two days ago. I’m going about my business on facebook, adding another handful of people who’ve sent me requests, and what do I see?

So apparently the rumor is true…

I mention this for two reasons:

1) If you send a friend request and I don’t add you, don’t feel snubbed. And take it personally. And show up outside my house clutching a bouquet of flowers and a homemade shiv. Naked.

2) To let folks know that most of my activity is moving to the official facebook fan page. That’s where I’ll be posting most of the book-related events, pictures, and other assorted ephemera from now on.

(Editorial note – In response to some comments below: I’m still planning on doing the blog. No fear of that going away. I’m just moving most of my facebooking from one place to another.)

Now, the main event. Audience participation requested…

More than a year ago, someone sent me a copy of their book to sign. As per the rules I’ve laid out in a previous blog, they sent something cool: fortune cookies.

(Editorial note – Yes I’m still signing books according to the rules set down in the blog. But if you want a simpler option, I’ll soon be selling signed books as part of the upcoming Heifer Fundraiser. Just so you know.)

Now this might not sound terribly cool at first. After all, you get fortune cookies for free when you order take-out Chinese food. Personally, after packing myself full of garlic shrimp, I’m not always in the mood for a dry, kinda almondy cookie. So for me, fortune cookies slowly accumulate in my kitchen where Sarah arranges them in vaguely ocd patterns on the countertop.

But you need to believe me when I tell you that the cookies these folks sent were, in point of fact, terribly cool. Turns out they actually run their own business where they do custom fortune cookies. Cookies in all manner of delicious flavors like orange or strawberry. Cookies dipped in chocolate. Yes. Chocolate.

(Rock. On.)

Better yet, this company is located in Indianapolis. The same place as Gen Con.

And this year I’m going to be GOH at Gen Con….

I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this.

So I’m going to get some cookies to hand out at GenCon this year, but I’m not sure what they should say inside. These days fortune-cookie fortunes are all cheerful and nice. (“Everyone loves you, and your ass looks great in those jeans.”) That’s always bugged me. If these cookies are supposed to predict the future, then simple statistics say that some of them should foretell some dire shit. (“You should really see a urologist.”)

Also, I miss the old, cryptic, badly translated fortunes. The ones that said things like, “The onion in your salad is someone else’s orchid.”

And I feel like I should have a few cookies that relate to the books. Maybe a few portentous hints about book two. (Some true, some not.)

Here’s the problem, I tend to write long things, not short things. Fortune Cookie fortunes are short.

So I turn to you, my clever and creative fanbase. Any suggestions?

pat

This entry was posted in facebook, signing booksBy Pat222 Responses

100 Comments

  1. Book Minstrel
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:14 PM | Permalink

    I am number one – or rather unemployed with nothing better to do.

    The above is both true (for me) and short enough to put in a fortune cookie.

    I will try to think of witty things for fortune cookies but now I am just stunned that I get number one and want to post it before anyone else does. Will get back to you about fortune cookie sayings if I have anything brilliant and witty come up.

  2. Andrew W.
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:20 PM | Permalink

    Ideas:

    Your feet do not match.

    Your mother dresses you funny.

    I’m lost in the factory. Send help. And milk.

    Enlightenment does not come in confections.

    Monkeys are pretty great, aren’t they?

    You’re halfway there. Remember to chew first, then swallow.

    Don’t forget to stop at the grocery store.

    Have you seen your shoes? No? Less cookies would help!

  3. Pat
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:32 PM | Permalink

    Oh man, we are not starting that whole, “First!” thing here. No way. Not in my house.

    Fair warning.

    Andrew: Those are awesome.

  4. Chris
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:33 PM | Permalink

    Some cryptic statements can serve to prevent the writer from stepping on someone’s toes. Other cryptic statements are only used to get a negative reaction from the reader. If you want to be clever about your fortune cookies, that’s cool. But try not to turn what could be a good complimentary snack into a trollfest.

    Have fun at the convention, Pat.

  5. Steve
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:34 PM | Permalink

    An ex-girlfriend had a funny story about a fortune cookie. She was a teenager, having a family dinner at a Chinese restaurant with her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.

    After the meal, everyone opened up their fortune cookies and read their fortunes to everyone else. When it got to her, she got all embarrased, because hers said “Good for one free blowjob”. She stammered a little, then told everyone that it sais something like “Have a nice day”.

    She kept the fortune and laminated it with scotch tape. I asked her if I could have it, but she wouldn’t give it to me. :)

    It sounded to me like the factory was making both “normal” fortune cookies and joke ones, and one of the joke ones got mixed in with the normal ones.

  6. Tae
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:35 PM | Permalink

    Poorly translated / ominous-y fortunes:

    * It shall come from behind and to the left.

    * The potato’s eyes see more than is known.

    * Vodka is the starch wine of the peasant.

    * The teapot floats in readiness.

    * From beneath you, it devours. (I always thought that sounded like a bad fortune cookie when I heard it on Buffy)

  7. Tae
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:39 PM | Permalink

    I wish I had thought about it before posting, but it just struck me that I’ve been getting the lamest fortunes in my cookie for the past few weeks. “Never give up” and “Made in the USA” for example. It’s very disappointing.

  8. Andrew Thigpen
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:42 PM | Permalink

    The crow flies at midnight.

    I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

    I like Twizzlers.

    Boom goes the dynamite.

    Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

    Did you know that koala bears are not cuddly?

    I wish I had a pair of those sneakers that lit up when you walked.

    I wish roller rinks were popular again.

    Do clowns wear bell-bottoms out of necessity or because of the 70s?

    My favorite Transformer is [fill in blank].

    I generally don’t find cartoons attractive, but Cheetarah is just plain hot.

    I hope the new GI Joe movie doesn’t suck.

    Sometimes I get writers block…even when writing your fortune.

  9. Dudley Dawson
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:47 PM | Permalink

    Here are a few:

    1. Beware of Jenkem addiction.

    2. Drink Hai Karate; you won’t believe what happens.

    3. You have a friend in Satan.

    4. Your lip-fungus may bring about an awkward situation amongst your friends.

    5. Follow the advice of talking dogs.

    6. You will soon meet a man with halitosis; French-kiss him immediately.

    7. Start carrying shurikens.

    8. There’s a dead strumpet in your future.

    9. Be on the look out for strange peristalsis disruptions.

    10. Beware of unkempt wizards.

    11. Trust only unkempt wizards.

    12. Soil yourself like there’s no one watching.

    13. Invest in Tofurkey.

    14. What is “Funching” anyways?

    15. No one appreciates your ability to find new and esoteric uses for cucumbers.

    16. Find a CHUD. Make it your pet.

    17. Little did Spock and Kirk know: The most important ship in space is friendship. Discuss.

    18. Hiss at a stranger. You’ll be glad you did.

    19. Congratulations: You’ve got worms!

    20. Drinking Night-Train will make you desirable to the opposite sex – but only to hobos of the opposite sex.

  10. Anonymous
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:54 PM | Permalink

    I personally vote for annymous quotes from book two…better than hints because they still give you clues but are even more mysterious because you don’t know who is saying them…

  11. Vortican
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:55 PM | Permalink

    Wooo!
    Fortune cookies + Name of the Wind = Awesome
    I’ll have to check my jar o’ saved fortunes (when I get home from work), but this is one of my favorites:
    “The dawn does not dispel the shadows of night, rather it makes them more intense”
    At first it seems nice, but if you think about its kinda disturbing.

  12. Aleron
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:57 PM | Permalink

    Those weren’t Chicken Balls you just ate.

  13. cisko
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 5:58 PM | Permalink

    Shouldn’t a fortune say something predictive about the future? I always get annoyed when my fortune makes claims about the present — “You have a good heart” or some such.

    ObXKCD: Fortune Cookies

    Some true fortunes:

    The next person you meet will decide to betray you, but then think better of it.

    Your good deed from exactly three years and seventeen days ago is bearing fruit at this moment.

    You will almost achieve enlightenment.

    Your heirs will find this fortune in your sock drawer.

    You will eventually prove this fortune to be false.

    Notice the most interesting color around you. You will notice it again at the moment your life changes.

  14. Juju
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:01 PM | Permalink

    Lern doch mal eine Fremdsprache! (which means: Go and learn a foreign language! Of course it doesn’t have to be German though.)

  15. James
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:07 PM | Permalink

    You could always put in a Caddyshack fortune cookie:

    Gunga galunga!

    James

  16. Unlabeled Cup
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:08 PM | Permalink

    Your sympathy may someday fail you.

    Questionable answers grant you unquestionable insight.

    You can slay your Dragons with the drugs that will slay you.

    The swallow cannot carry your coconut.

    Kvothe has been here. He ate the cream filling.

    Understanding the beginning only comes at the end.

    Patrick Rothfuss is Joss Whedon’s Master.

  17. Nobody
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:10 PM | Permalink

    My favorite fortune that I’ve ever gotten has to be “The food here is so good, even a caveman likes it.” But as for original ones… “You have twenty-four hours to live. The antidote is [continued in cookie two]” is all I’ve got.

  18. Gordon
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:22 PM | Permalink

    Why come up with something when someone else already has?

    http://www.bigoo.ws/cookie.aspx

  19. Hannah
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:23 PM | Permalink

    The best one I’ve actually encountered is: “If you do not know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.”

    hmmm…

    Buy Westing Paper Products

    Duck!

    Smile, You’re on candid camera

    This is not the fortune you are looking for…

    Beware the fanboy in red.

    Seek for the sword that was broken.

  20. Jay Belt
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:28 PM | Permalink

    The fortune cookie is a lie.

    The power will go out in your house.

    A smile a day will cause more wrinkles to your old, leathery face.

    Winter is coming. (Oh wait, wrong author.)

    A bright future awaits the person who was supposed to get this cookie but passed on it, fatty.

    Shhhh. Do you smell that?

    You are not his number one fan, his mom is his number one fan.

    Your lucky numbers: (insert last weeks Lotto numbers).

    Shater. Did it. Better.

    Enlightenment is reached when one… hmmm… I forgot the rest.

    You crack me up.

    Your a prince(or princess). May the Schwartz be with you.

    I–I got nothing to offer, sorry.

  21. jdcb
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:29 PM | Permalink

    Put codes on them, little 6 digit things. Pick 5 of the numbers in advance. Advise everyone that if they enter the code on your website they can win a 1 week advance copy of book two, signed…

    Now that I have that typed, I dunno… Could generate more traffic at the least…

  22. Ringl
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:34 PM | Permalink

    1. Never gonna give you up

    2. FINAL NOTICE – your library books are overdue

    3. I’m leftover from ComicCon

    4. This application failed to start properly. Please reboot.

    5. This certificate good for one free fortune cookie.

    6. Skip the fortune cookie, breath mints are three booths down.

    7. Fear the beard. Love the beard.

    8. ಠ_ಠ

  23. elias
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:34 PM | Permalink

    There are events in your future.

    Fate has brought this cookie to you.

    Cryptic fortunes are always true (for a given definition of “true”).

    There are clouds on the horizon (or perhaps just beyond).

    Your inhibitions are your greatest asset.

    In time, you will forgive her.

    He may not deserve forgiveness.

    The book of destiny has many pages, and you’re somewhere in the middle.

    On a scale from one to awesome, you’re super great.

    If that cookie were an animal, this would be its guts.

    Happiness can be yours.

    A special someone is thinking about you right now. Turn around.

  24. Michael
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:36 PM | Permalink

    Conan the Barbarian is the greatest movie ever made. You may disagree, but you’d be wrong.

  25. Steve Dowdle
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:37 PM | Permalink

    “Beware of falling rocks.”

    “You will or will not die today.”

    “Strike first.”

    “Your parents secretly hate you.”

  26. gatinha
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:39 PM | Permalink

    mhhhh… how about:

    If you pluck too hard at your lute strings, they will tear.

    and i still quite into:

    Ich habe zuviele Affen auf meinem Dachboden. (or whatever that was)

  27. jblazier
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:43 PM | Permalink

    – Please help, being kept prisoner in cookie factory

    -You will want another one

    -This cookie was pre-licked

    -Spam

    -Everything comes out ok in the end, even this cookie

    -HAHAHA! you actually ate the cookie!

    -There were two fortunes in this cookie

    -Cookie brought to you by Soylent Green.

  28. Angela
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:44 PM | Permalink

    Let’s get some random facts in the fortune cookies. You know, educate the masses with useless information.

    -If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

    -According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self-destruction.

    -The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

    -When you die your hair still grows for a couple of months.

    -The Neanderthal’s brain was bigger than yours is.

    -The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

    -Elephants are the only mammals that can’t jump.

    -The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet (9 m).

    -American car horns beep in the tone of F.

    -Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards.

    -The word “nerd” was first coined by Dr. Seuss in “If I Ran the Zoo.”

  29. Incubus Jax
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 6:56 PM | Permalink

    I have just one, but it’s awesome:

    “That wasn’t chicken.”

    There you go.

  30. Eric
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 7:06 PM | Permalink

    Fucking blue shells…

    Have you ever mixed lithium and water? Yay, fire!!!

  31. justinistired
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 7:18 PM | Permalink

    I do believe that twitter was made for this query.

    But this is fun!

    1. Great happiness lays in cheese.

    2. Don’t twitter about it and no one will know.

    3. You’re doing it wrong.

    4. One day you will bribe a priest.

    5. The secret is in the tip of the nose.

    6. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.

  32. Rex
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 7:25 PM | Permalink

    Personaly I would find it funny to get a fortune cookie that said:

    “Your day will be boring, just like the last one… what did you expect?”

    or to really confuse people:

    “Sorry, please try again later”


    then there’s the nerd angle… i mean it is Gen Con

    “An alien will burst forth from your chest”

    “You forgot to save your game before you left the house”

    “Roll Initiative”

  33. Vulpes Fulva
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 7:26 PM | Permalink

    “Gotcha.”

    “Thanks for eating my shell. That was my home. Dick.”

    “The lottery numbers on the back are guaranteed winners. ;)”

    “I wish I could go around breaking things, reading their insides.”

    “You don’t even like cookies!”

  34. Vulpes Fulva
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 7:27 PM | Permalink

    Nice ones, Rex.

  35. Adam B. Shaeffer
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 7:28 PM | Permalink

    Just to clarify:

    Will you be posting news and updates on Facebook only, or will you continue to post on this blog?

  36. Hans Gao
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 7:48 PM | Permalink

    “Be wary of folly.”

    ’nuff said.

  37. jdcb
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 7:55 PM | Permalink

    I think he’s going to keep the blog, just going to consolidate the 14 facebook things he has going on into one spot…

    I hope he keeps the blog, i can’t get on facebook from work…

  38. Anonymous
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 7:56 PM | Permalink

    I think you should have atleast one cookie that says ” You have no fortune, sucks to be you” That person gets a prize.

  39. Chris
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 8:01 PM | Permalink

    -Welcome to Gencon 1999!

    And I suppose if you want to be weird and vaguely meta

    -First post!

  40. Shavron
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 8:04 PM | Permalink

    This cookie was made with 75% recycled Rothfuss beard.

    If you are reading this than it is already too late.

    You… You just destroyed my house!!!

    You will eat a cookie today.

    You’re going to die.

    Sometime soon, when you least expect it, you will embarrass a goose.

    Shoes are not soul food.

    Today a man will give you a fortune cookie. That already happened? Damn it!

    An idea for some random cryptic cookies is just have a list of various organs.

  41. Ryan
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 8:11 PM | Permalink

    A friend of mine got this once after we gorged ourselves on buffet style chinese food

    “tastes like chicken”

  42. Sylph
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 8:11 PM | Permalink

    My favourite ever fortune cookie said, “You have great stories to tell.”

    1. All that glitters is not gold. So take off your mother’s gold lurex bra.

    2. He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.

    3. Blue fire means your boiler is not working.

    4. Fortune will come to those who throw themselves of Rookery buildings. That or death.

    I’m really bad at this…:)

    Jemma.

  43. Anonymous
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 8:12 PM | Permalink

    My husband and I were sitting about laughing about some of the cookie quotes, and ideas, in the comment section. I looked at him, and said one of my own, which he urged me to post:

    The Rothfuss you know is not the Rothfuss outside your bedroom window.

  44. Robert Crandall
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 8:14 PM | Permalink

    All good things are worth waiting for. And a bath won’t kill you.

  45. Jay Belt
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 8:30 PM | Permalink

    Welcome to Gen Con 2009! What are the odds you’re female and reading this?

  46. Anonymous
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 8:31 PM | Permalink

    Best one I have ever received:
    “Help I am stuck in a fortune cookie factory!”

    Other good ones to consider:

    “Bacteria are the only culture some people have.”

    “Look on the other side for fortune” (written on both sides)

    Something in code or pieces of the Voynich Manuscript.

    “Oh god you just ate my liver!”

  47. David
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 8:37 PM | Permalink

    1. Duck!!!

    2. I see you.

    3. Look behind you.

    4. This fortune cookie intentionally left blank.

  48. Ryan
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 8:56 PM | Permalink

    There is an empty cubical across from you…go to it…now.

    This is a distraction.

    Grow A beard and wait for success.

    Who the hell do you think you are?

    Please enjoy this installment of the fortune cookie chronicles.

    Sofa king we todd did.

  49. Keith
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 9:09 PM | Permalink

    When in doubt, WWKD?

    Uncopyrightable is the longest word in the English language that doesn’t repeat a letter.

    Unknown forces are working against you!

  50. Jason H.
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 9:29 PM | Permalink

    The best fortune cookie I ever got had this message inside it:

    “Get a tetanus shot… now!”

  51. Armin
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 9:39 PM | Permalink

    You are moving to facebook? Do I understand this correctly? No more blogging here?

    I hate facebook :( – Took a glance at your site there anyways and you have 5023 friends, so you must have beaten the system ;)

    As to your request for furtune cookies… I read a good bunch of the propositions on the blog and must point out that Chris got it right:
    “But try not to turn what could be a good complimentary snack into a trollfest.”

    Well I dont have the time to think of good furtune telling short lyrics, so I’ll leave it at those 2 cents of mine.

    cheers from Germany
    Armin

  52. J.M.
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 9:54 PM | Permalink

    You sure do have a perty mouth.

  53. Guido Guijt
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 9:56 PM | Permalink

    We do not have fortune cookies at the chinese in the Netherlands, so I cannot sap into collected fortunes, but I’ll give it a try.

    You will not find fortune in a cookie.

    The sickest pigeon makes the best peking duck.

    On a related subject, Pat, maybe you should make e deal with these fortune cookie people to bring out a wise man’s fear on fortune cookie paper as an alternative edition. That will add a bit of puzzling to the joy of reading.

  54. Anonymous
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 11:00 PM | Permalink

    whenever you get a fortune cookie you have to say “in bed” after it…. so funny.. try it. That’s the only reason I ever open them. So excited for book two. :)

  55. Aerron
    Posted August 5, 2009 at 11:01 PM | Permalink

    Your underwear would be better told no.

    Kvothe is NOT the father.

    Your day has only begun to brighten.

    Enjoy your mild gastric discomfort.

    And your baby.

  56. islandgirl
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 12:19 AM | Permalink

    I like the random quotes from book 2 idea.

  57. islandgirl
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 12:21 AM | Permalink

    Did you ever do the “in bed” thing with hymns at church? That’s even funnier!

  58. Bryn
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 12:25 AM | Permalink

    You’re going to make one lucky feline very happy someday.

    It’s too hot or cold or mild outside.

    Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you suicidal.

    Always give up your seat to someone pregnant, handicapped, elderly or super hot.

    Expect a drunk dial soon.

    It’s not me, it’s you.

    You will grow emotionally from months of bone-crushing agony.

    Hos before Bros.

    Your footwear is disgraceful.

    I’m watching you.

    Carpe Diem before the glaciers drown us.

    I’m sure no one noticed.

    Don’t give up on the dreams you never had!

  59. Anonymous
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 12:54 AM | Permalink

    “may the fleas of 1000 rodents infest the crotch of the person who ruins your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch”

    -Jenn

  60. limabeanbreath
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 12:58 AM | Permalink

    Well, I remember one time, everyone at the table decided to combine fortunes into one long one. Make yours compatible?

    Anyways, the only one I remember from that was “To find yourself, play hide and seek alone.”

    You could go all crazy and put some Zen koans in there, or get a bunch of word magnets (or make them yourself) and mix ‘nd match. Or put in some classic Shakespearean insults. Put in dire Shakespeare prophecy. Or…

  61. Jason
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 1:09 AM | Permalink

    “You will break a lute string at an inopportune moment.”

    “Don’t look now, but there’s a creepy man reading this over your shoulder.”

    “It’s better to have hair in your seafood than crabs in your pants.”

    “Your lucky numbers are 6 6 6… dude that sucks.”

    “You will find happiness with another man’s dog.”

    “Bast likes you, but only as a friend.”

    “The key to happiness unlocks the door of depression.”

    “Your friends wish you’d bathe more.”

    “Travel is in your future. Also, car accidents. Lots of car accidents.”

    “Hand lotion is not a substitute for a girlfriend.”

    “The carpet is always greener in your next door friend’s bathtub.”

    “Kvothe/Bast 2012.”

    “Joe Abercrombie thinks you’re hot.”

    “When the flowers bloom and the birds sing you’ll find a dead body in the cellar.”

    “You will write a screenplay. It won’t get bought, but your mom will like it.”

  62. Anonymous
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 1:20 AM | Permalink

    okay okay okay how about this:

    “404 error: the fortune you were looking for could not be found.”

  63. Robbie
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 1:31 AM | Permalink

    “Your beard will grow long and useful for cleaning tight spaces.”

    -Ancient Chinese Proverb

  64. Heather Faye
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 1:38 AM | Permalink

    None of these fortunes are based on actual events.

    Were this an actual fortune it would be followed by, “in bed”.

    Angel… Spike… Angel… Spike.

    and my personal fav of

    You can’t take the sky from me.

  65. Praimon
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 1:40 AM | Permalink

    “404:error…” Best one yet.

  66. River
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 1:45 AM | Permalink

    I’m really annoyed that someone beat me to “From beneath you, it devours.” In keeping with a theme, “Fire bad, tree pretty,” and “I’m drowning in Cool-Whip!” spring to mind, but they’re probably copyrighted. I’m still fond of the old “That’s what she said” but then, I can be kind of immature for a grown-up. Have fun with this, I know I am!

  67. logankstewart
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 1:48 AM | Permalink

    I liked the one from Rocco’s Modern Life:

    “You will have bad luck and extreme misfortune to infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.”

    Of course, that could be copyright infringement.

    How about…

    “Core dump.”
    “Do not trust her/him.”
    “It’s okay. It’ll get better eventually.”
    “Make sure it’s not contagious first.”
    “If you come and build it, I will watch.”
    “DO NOT TAKE THE ELEVATOR TONIGHT!”

    Pat, you could create some super-special fortune cookies with original messages from you (and various other authors) and make a special box of fortune cookies a prize for the Heifer Fundraiser this year. Just an idea.

  68. kjy1066
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 1:54 AM | Permalink

    Okay – here goes:

    A kitten in the pot is worth three yuan.

    One of your friends wants you to go to the Hell of Horny Dragons!

    He who knows the true DAO wastes little time with crunchy desserts.

    Xiaping was here.

    ning: Batch #110056747 has been contamin

    As the Youthful Sage said: Hunting and running madden the mind

    As you read this, your enemies are hidden, planning your death

    Don’t leave home without a seven-demon bag

    The wind has broken, and your journey begins

    Ah. . . that’s as many as I can come up with that are of any quality. . . Have fun with ’em!

  69. Jonathan
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 2:02 AM | Permalink

    1. Beware the gelatinous cube.
    2. Genetics make it impossible for guinea pigs to rule the world.
    3. Pictures are worth a thousand words. Too bad, you get these two sentences instead.
    4. For a good time, dial 1-800-COOKIE
    5. Love to live, live to love.
    6. Ramen noodles are the pubic hair of pasta.
    7. This fortune is valid for one free backrub. Well, get moving! This cookie doesn’t rub itself!
    8. Bananas – quite possibly the world’s most perfect food. Too bad you’re stuck with this cookie instead.
    9. Popcorn is just a hot vegetable.
    10. Shampoo? Really? Why not call it Shampee instead?
    11. Camels are awesome. They are the same color as fortune cookies.
    12. Ever thought about what it means to be deaf? What?!
    13. Fortune on the other side. (Other side) Fortune on the other side.
    14. w00t!
    15. You’ve been pwn’d
    16. http://www.patrickrothfuss.com
    17. Seriously, “Rosebud”? Who even heard him say it?!
    18. Forget about yourself & make someone’s day.
    19. Say it with almond extract and flour.
    20. Say “toyboat” as fast as you can 5 times.

  70. Pat
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 2:07 AM | Permalink

    Logan: That’s brilliant. I’m totally going to hit the Cookie people up for a collaboration prize in the Heifer project.

  71. Tammy
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 2:12 AM | Permalink

    I got one once that said:

    You will be hungry soon, order takeout now.

  72. Matt
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 2:13 AM | Permalink

    We’re sorry, but your fortune is in another cookie.

    This fortune was printed inside a recycled cookie.

    Dear Sir/Madam,I am Bada Musa, Bank Manager of ORIENT BANK OF NIGERIA, Lagos Branch. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

    May your life be long and useful… like toilet paper.

    Oh no, not again.

    I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. -RAB

  73. robert B.
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 2:16 AM | Permalink

    best fortune i ever got: never forget a friend that owes you money. true story

  74. Erin Jump
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 2:17 AM | Permalink

    @ LoganStewart! This is a great idea: Pat, you could create some super-special fortune cookies with original messages from you (and various other authors) and make a special box of fortune cookies a prize for the Heifer Fundraiser this year. Just an idea.

    I’m totally on board for this!

    @ Everyone else, great creative fortune ideas… We are going to save these and see if we can put them in the mix. Thanks!

  75. Erin Jump
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 2:22 AM | Permalink

    Oh, and if you want FREE samples, email erin@fancyfortunecookies.com please include your address. Common sense I know, but if I don’t say this, half of you will leave it off…. :)

    The “Cookie Person”

    Oh and the samples won’t have Pat’s exclusive fortunes inside.

  76. SWEETDADDY_73
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 2:23 AM | Permalink

    Love it:

    You ARE becoming your mother

    RUN!!!

    Know who you think you are

    Freddie’s coming for you

    Ski Aspen

    Early to bed and early to rise makes a man boring and tired

    Eat, drink and do Mary

    Home is where the hard-on

    A bird in the bush is worth two in the stink

  77. Bridget
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 2:34 AM | Permalink

    Best one I ever got:

    “You are literate”

  78. Book Minstrel
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 2:35 AM | Permalink

    Brilliancy can not be forced – book will come when book is ready

    Thou hath the fury of a warrior tiger – on sleeping pills.

    Good things come for you – don’t move.

    Staring at computer screen without progress makes greasy monkey.

    SMILE! That wasn’t chocolate.

    Do what makes your heart happy, but only if Kvothe would do it first.

    **** I vote for random quotes from book three… really throw people off the trail. ****

  79. Mount Belbin
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 2:59 AM | Permalink

    I don’t got much, but I got a little. Here we go. Jeb, roll on drums.

    – The wise man’s fear is a fool’s adventure.

    – Scrying has evolved. Slightly.

    – Have you seen your taxes lately?

    – You are five seconds closer to death.

    – All truth is hidden by doors of stone.

    – You will find love where you least expect it. [This fortune cookie was brought to you by Astroforce]

    – Sometimes chicken satay isn’t really chicken satay.

    – Keep going. You might find Bin Laden.

    – When faced with an obstacle, ask yourself: what would Manson do?

    – You’re halfway to Buddhahood. All you need is to shave your head and stretch your earlobes.

  80. Jason W.
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 3:07 AM | Permalink

    Your karma will run over your dogma

  81. michael
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 3:19 AM | Permalink

    -Don’t. Look. Behind. You.

    -This is a really stupid Fortune Cookie, huh?

    -As the threat of terrorism escalates, Jack Bauer is forced to take matters into his own hands. [This is a foolproof fortune. It’s kind of like saying, “I predict that something inevitable will happen.”]

    -You are on, or soon will be on, a boat.

    -Look! A seagull!

    -Joss Whedon is your master now.

    -Sobriety is greatly over-rated.

    -These are not the droids you’re looking for.

  82. James
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 3:22 AM | Permalink

    This should be fun. I will try.

    -The truth is in the glove compartment.

    -There is a walrus in your future.

    -You will be bothered by an existentialist.

    -Consider opening a haberdashery.

    -Watch for falling barracudas.

    -Your ad here.

    -If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, aren’t you late for the bus?

    -Good for one free signed copy of Wise Man’s Fear. Offer invalid if original cookie has been damaged.

    -A cookie will lead you astray.

    -Alcohol, meerkats, and a unicycle are a recipe for good times.

    -Don’t think about a pink hippopotamus.

    -Other cookies have better fortunes.

    -Don’t worry, I hear hair restoration surgery is getting more affordable.

    -This is neither the time, nor the place to try out your new giraffe.

    -Confucius say that’s my waffle!

    -Your grammar will be criticized on the internet.

    -awi;jdohp sorry, cat got on the keyboard.

    -You came to GenCon and all you got was this lousy cookie.

    I think that’s enough for now.

  83. michael
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 3:24 AM | Permalink

    “(see other side)”

    “The release date for The wise man’s fear is” funnier if “is” ends up printed right at the end of the fortune

    “You will contract con plague”

    “A pigeon will soil your car”

    “Kvothe dies”

    “secret decoder ring message: KMENTHABTK”

    “Did you hear that?”

    “You tell my fortune for once”

  84. Anonymous
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 3:42 AM | Permalink

    “don’t worry, it happens to everybody”

    “no, it doesn’t look infected”

    “don’t worry, I do this all the time”

    “it really was the one-armed man”

    The best fortune I’ve received in a cookie:
    “beware cookies bearing fortunes”

  85. Dragynfox
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 3:42 AM | Permalink

    How about:

    The horse is out of the barn

    If you send this to ten of your friends your true love will kiss you next Friday. If you don’t you’ll die.

    The program Fortune Cookie has encountered an unexpected error and needs to close

    If you don’t buy Wise Man’s Fear the day it’s released your underwear will burst into flames.

    Run home, your house is on fire.

  86. Nitro
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 3:51 AM | Permalink

    The best one I ever got (still on my Fridge):

    “You will loose your inhibitions”

    Other suggestions:

    >Your frontal lobe will soon take a vacation (related to the above favourite)

    >Remember, all smells are particulate

    >Beware of Folly (Not just for T-shirts)

    >Those awkward silences are about you

    > You ain’t seen nothing yet

    > Make me proud

    > It is always better to multiply than divide

    > Are you sure you locked the door?

    > Enlightenment is overrated

  87. Anonymous
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 4:06 AM | Permalink

    Pat you fortune cookie should say:

    I like pie

    or

    I <3 Sandeep

    Shannon

  88. Jamis Buck
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 4:16 AM | Permalink

    There just happens to be a website chock full of the inspiration you’re looking for:

    http://weirdfortunecookies.com/

    (No, I’m not affiliated with it in any way, but I’ve had more than a few laughs while reading it.)

  89. Anonymous
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 4:17 AM | Permalink

    Since enough people are familliar with the “in bed” gag, you have some that just say “_____ in bed”

  90. Alan
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 4:23 AM | Permalink

    The best fortune I ever got read ” :)You are pretty.:)” There were indeed smileys on both sides of the fortune.

    Other ideas:

    “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

    “The most important questions are answered with more questions.”

    “Doors are for people with no imagination.”

    “Reality disappoints.”

    “Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”

  91. Andreas
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 4:26 AM | Permalink

    2+2 equals 5 in case of large values of the number 2

    man that translates really bad from Danish

    Envy is purest form of flatery

  92. James Thelman
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 5:37 AM | Permalink

    You should really get that checked.

    DON’T scratch it.

    OMG.

    Nice tip, cheapskate. I escaped communist China for this? Thanks, asshole.

  93. Kathryn
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 6:59 AM | Permalink

    “You do know we poisoned the cookies, right?”

    is all I’ve got. But any quotes or just anything to do with Name of the Wind or Wise Man’s Fear would be awesome.

  94. Jennie
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 7:30 AM | Permalink

    the strangest one I ever received was “The back of this is reserved for your business notes” it was made of random and a little poignant as I was somewhat disillusioned with business at the time.

  95. A Pitchfork Rusts
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 8:00 AM | Permalink

    Wait wait wait, everyone wait up!

    I can’t believe nobody’s mentioned this yet.

    The fortune cookie messages should each have seven words.

  96. Jerry
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 8:10 AM | Permalink

    I always liked..

    Things are always darkest, before they go completely black.

  97. Joe L.
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 8:28 AM | Permalink

    hmmm…

    – for those of you married:
    “Don’t forget the milk!”

    – random bob dylan quote
    “them not busy being born are busy dying”

    – dnd
    “Make a spot check!”
    (“roll for initiative” was also good, but taken)

    – instructional
    “swap this fortune with the person 2 to your left. add “in bed” to the end. that is the truth.”

  98. shaun
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 8:47 AM | Permalink

    Step one complete … proceed to Step two.

    Only one who is truly Lost can know The Name of The Wind.

    3BT79YLO

    Rook takes Bishop, Checkmate.

    however agrevating the First thing may be it may be something you can put in a cookie.

    Eg.

    First!

    and thats what i got for now

  99. General Knowledge
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 9:52 AM | Permalink

    Mic check…

    This is in Spanish when your not looking.

    VOUCHER

    And you didn’t think rats could type…

    You are getting sleepy. Very sleepy.

    Show us on the doll where he touched you.

    This used to be a singing fortune.

    Sub Main()
    MsgBox(“Hello, World!”)
    End Sub

    IF YOU <> “enlightened” THEN LOOP

    I’m reading you too.

    Don’t look at me like that.

    It’s not your fault.

    Did you knock?!

    Do I know you?

    This is so much fun. -.-

    404 ERROR – FILE NOT FOUND

    Honesttly, I am running out of ideas here.

    Why don’t you predict my fortune?!

    Buy the next lotto ticket you see.

    TAG! You’re it!

    Sorry, Pat the song is over. That means I am done.

  100. Anonymous
    Posted August 6, 2009 at 10:03 AM | Permalink

    A lot of lol’ing here. But none king killer ones would be a little off (as much as I like RAB lol
    matt and not the droids michael)

    1.“They will come for you in the night. Use two condoms”
    2.“Be the cookie monster of your Passions.”
    3.“Aerlevsedi”
    4.Any Auri quote “Think of all the tipsy bees.”
    5.“A Wise Man’s Fear, of spiders will save you from being bit”
    6.“A Wise Man’s Fear,” etc…
    7.“A Wise Man’s Fear, shall come to peroration in the fall.” my favorite
    8.“One of your loved ones needs to be told you love them”
    9.“When you become hungry you should eat.”
    10.“The most confused dragonfly, believes it is a dragon to big to fly. Umm.. don’t mess with crazy people?”

    I had a lot more but more or less less is more.

    -plucky

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