My Sweet…

I talk about a lot of things here on the blog. I answer fanmail. I tell stories. I ramble and pontificate.

But it’s on days like this, days that center around kisses and chocolate, that I realize I’ve never really gone out of my way to mention a very special woman in my life.

Those of you who read this blog fairly regularly might find it strange that someone as screwed up as me is currently in a loving, long-term relationship. The truth is, I’m a little surprised myself. I’m not an easy man to live with. I can be moody, anti-social, and irritating. Truth is, anyone who could put up with me for all these years must be some sort of saint.

Well she is a saint. She’s has stuck by me when no one else would. She’s given me love and comfort when I needed it most. Some folks say she’s too nice to be going out with me. Some say she’s too young. But they’re wrong; we’re perfect together.

I am, of course, talking about Little Debbie.

Debbie, I’d like to thank you for all you’ve done for me. We’ve had our bad times, and I know I haven’t always been faithful. But in the end I’ve always come back to you. That fling I had with the foreign girl was a mistake. It was just one of those whirlwind romances, it was exciting, and hot, and wet. But afterwards I felt empty inside, we didn’t even speak the same language. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking. No Swiss Miss could never be as sweet as you.

You stuck by me during those experimental couple of months when I sowed some wild oats with that Quaker guy. It was just a phase, really, and I was just curious. And later on… that brazier thing…. Well, I just wanted to try it on for size. I know that was hard for you when you found out I’d been sneaking out to the Dairy Queen three or four times a week to meet up with Buster and the rest. Oh sure, they treated me right, but none of them treated me as good as you.

I’ve made mistakes along the way. There was the time when I tried to spice up our relationship a little by bringing that Crocker woman in. She seemed so mature, so worldly. I fell for her sweet talk of alternative lifestyles and polyamory. What a fiasco. You were right all along, she made things more complicated than they needed to be. I wish I’d never laid eyes on that braisin’ hussy.

But we’re together now, and that’s what matters. Who would have thought when we met long ago, (Do you remember? That nutty bar down in Madison?) that it would have lasted this long….

Yours forever,

pat

This entry was posted in Fucking With YouBy Pat50 Responses

50 Comments

  1. skymnolf
    Posted February 13, 2011 at 10:56 PM | Permalink

    that whore she said I was her only love. Don’t trust her man!

  2. skinnersmonkey
    Posted February 13, 2011 at 10:57 PM | Permalink

    I remember this!! I commented on this on the YCSG myspace.

  3. oiamslain
    Posted February 13, 2011 at 11:01 PM | Permalink

    As for the Crocker mistake, it’s understandable. The Devil Squares made you do it.

  4. dzwood
    Posted February 13, 2011 at 11:04 PM | Permalink

    Pat just so you know Debbie and I have been together for years as well……..um you should probably get tested! She has been in more mouths than I have.

  5. Mike
    Posted February 13, 2011 at 11:06 PM | Permalink

    Everybody doesn’t like something, but nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee.

  6. Marcus Cox
    Posted February 13, 2011 at 11:11 PM | Permalink

    This made me smile so much. And the tag is awesome.

  7. makeesta45
    Posted February 13, 2011 at 11:18 PM | Permalink

    Lol the tag at the end was the best! and I <3 little debbie too… :)

  8. 44
    Posted February 13, 2011 at 11:56 PM | Permalink

    Little Debbie is 51 years old and prefers to be referred to as Little Debra now.

  9. Jimmy Wood
    Posted February 13, 2011 at 11:57 PM | Permalink

    This explains why name of the wind is so addictive… it can only be because you like messing with people, ruining their grades as they try to study are are sorely tempted by the multiple copies of this one book that are kept in the room…

  10. thechessqueen
    Posted February 13, 2011 at 11:58 PM | Permalink

    This is going into the records as one of your best posts ever.

  11. Posted February 14, 2011 at 12:12 AM | Permalink

    Nice.
    I wasn’t sure what was going on at first but I got it. My sister asked what was so funny when I started laughing.

  12. deltaflip
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 12:36 AM | Permalink

    I know what you mean, pat. I prefer Butterfinger, though.

  13. katelyn
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 12:39 AM | Permalink

    *eye-roll*

    Men. You’re so g.d. fickle.

  14. chaelek
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 1:02 AM | Permalink

    I don’t know about this blog… I mean, it’s under the grouping “Fucking With You” and it mixes hunger and lust in oddly disturbing, yet enticing, ways. Congratulations, Pat, you’ve given new meaning to the phrase “Having your cake and eating it too.”

  15. Erzberger
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 1:22 AM | Permalink

    Heh. Took some googling to get this. Little Debbie never visited Germany.

  16. Kathryn
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 1:27 AM | Permalink

    Kudos for so fantastically yanking the rug from under our feet. Absolutely did not see that coming. But I have to wonder what Sarah’s response to this blog would be.

  17. dressner
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 2:19 AM | Permalink

    Pretty sure Sarah doesn’t need a commercial holiday to know that he loves her, or feels at all threatened by snack cakes in any way. I hope one day I meet a girl I can let my guards down with as much as he has with her! This blog is full of unabashed happiness and joy about Pat’s relationship with his wife and son. She has no reason to worry.

  18. Mickey
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 3:40 AM | Permalink

    For those not resident in America….what the fuck is Pat talking about ? Breakfast cereal ? Cake ? Chocolates ? I get the gist of the piece, but in the same vague way most of us understand the law of relativity. Can someone fill in the blaks for me here ? Cheers.

    • Mickey
      Posted February 14, 2011 at 3:41 AM | Permalink

      That would be “blanks” actually…

    • Little My
      Posted February 14, 2011 at 5:27 AM | Permalink

      Snack cakes, and then on from there.

      Little Debbie are crappy snack cakes.
      Swiss Miss is a crappy hot cocoa mix.
      Quaker is a brand most famous for making instant oatmeal cereal. (You can see the guy in the logo at the top of that link’s page.)
      Dairy Queen is a chain of stores that sell crappy ice-cream-like treats.
      Betty Crocker is a brand that includes mixes for crappy baked goods like brownies and cakes.

      Well, okay, maybe it’s not all crappy.

      Except Little Debbie.

      • priscellie
        Posted February 14, 2011 at 7:16 AM | Permalink

        Thou dost speak ill of Sir Patrick’ lady-love in his own blog? Tread carefully, lest thee be challenged to a duel!

      • Merri
        Posted February 14, 2011 at 9:22 AM | Permalink

        Thank you… I didn’t get it at all before reading the comments. I knew there had to be some kind of joke in it but… yeah, I said it already.
        Didn’t get it. Wrong country (or continent, actually).

      • Mickey
        Posted February 14, 2011 at 9:58 AM | Permalink

        Thanks, I just about understood the humour but needed to know if there was something else I was missing…thanks for the skinny !

  19. Baldsilver
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 5:33 AM | Permalink

    This made me think, do you reckon that you’d ever, after a night of festivities, go to the computer, inebriated, and write a blog? They’re always fun to read.

  20. priscellie
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 7:11 AM | Permalink

    This descent into merry madness provides everything we need to know about how grateful you are Sarah puts up with you, too. :D Happy Valentine’s Day, man!

    Just got the NOTW audiobook, so I can reread before WMF comes out. Woah, 26 hours? BRILLIANT. Wonder how long WMF will be?

  21. A_Watts
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 9:25 AM | Permalink

    Pretty punny post sir. I approve heartily.

  22. masty
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 11:04 AM | Permalink

    I love the labels/category of this post :0)

  23. masty
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 11:09 AM | Permalink

    BTW since I am not from US I had to do a quick google search to find out about Little Debbie, I was pretty confused initially even though I must say it was interesting read without knowing about Little Debbie :-).

  24. Sweet Eater
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 11:14 AM | Permalink

    Between this blog and the one with the S&M gingerbread man, I am worried about Pat’s relationship with desserts. :))

  25. hobbs
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 1:29 PM | Permalink

    as I have my own little redhead named Wendy I understand completely….mmm bacon double cheeseburger

  26. LaFleur
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 1:44 PM | Permalink

    On the other hand, Portal 2 is on pre-sale. the only mistress I will ever have is valve and it’s wonderfulness.

  27. Dianadomino
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 1:45 PM | Permalink

    The pun I liked best was “Braisen’ hussy” rather than “Brazen” because, of course, Betty Crocker has many and varied products other than sweets, such as those one would served while braising meat. Hee.

    Happy VDay everyone! ^_^

  28. Bear
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 2:39 PM | Permalink

    Thanks for the great post it made me laugh, especially the label. It reminded me of the short story, The love quest of Smidgen the snack cake by Robert T. Jeschonek.

  29. Sedulo
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 3:12 PM | Permalink

    Yes, yes…
    I have often felt the shame of my dalliances with Mr. Salty (deceased, alas); Mr. Peanut; Duncan Hines and that crazy duo Mike and Ike.
    I cannot name all of the ones who delighted me, and no true favorite comes to mind. I envy your devotion to Debbie.

  30. Master Freespirit
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 4:24 PM | Permalink

    Drake…. I love his cakes.

    (My previous comment dealt with Funny Bones, but I decided it was too connotative of a sex act, so I deleted it to stay PG.)

  31. Ursula
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 5:19 PM | Permalink

    You can keep Little Debbie, but Nutella is all mine. So hands off.

  32. kvothe
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 9:11 PM | Permalink

    OK, not to be gross here, but I found some cream filling in my devil squares… Patrick?

  33. Widow Of Sirius
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 9:25 PM | Permalink

    <3

  34. Matt
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 10:12 PM | Permalink

    Little Debbie, Little Debbie!
    I’m a comin’ on home, baby,
    Cause you make me wanna walk

    Like a camel!

  35. justajenjen
    Posted February 15, 2011 at 1:23 AM | Permalink

    I know where you’re coming from, Pat. I got two special guys in my life. Ben and Jerry.

  36. Mindy609
    Posted February 15, 2011 at 6:13 AM | Permalink

    What a great way to start the day; with a smile and a jonesing for snack cakes!

  37. strange_attractor
    Posted February 15, 2011 at 9:14 AM | Permalink

    Patrick,

    You’re very brave to admit all of this, but it’ll be better for you if you don’t hold back. Admit it – you’ve gone so far as to pay for some Hostesses, right?

  38. Blarghedy
    Posted February 15, 2011 at 9:47 AM | Permalink

    Sir, your trolling prowess ranks among the best in the land.
    My hat to you.

  39. Mikel-kun
    Posted February 15, 2011 at 12:42 PM | Permalink

    Hey, that wa really hard for me to get. I’m from Spain and we don’t have that kind of snacks.
    Although I’ve laughed a lot once I got it xD

  40. Gabe
    Posted February 15, 2011 at 2:26 PM | Permalink

    Be warned! The little tart has been seeing that dough boy from Pillsbury the whole time.

  41. Steffan Eubanks
    Posted February 15, 2011 at 2:36 PM | Permalink

    It takes a realy man to admit hes wrong but it takes an even bigger man to not make the same misstakes twice, this was very heart felt Pat I’m sure that no matter what she’ll love you till the end of time. Thank you for sharing with us pat it is a treat to understand more about you.

    With tears of joy,
    Steffan

    • Steffan Eubanks
      Posted February 15, 2011 at 2:39 PM | Permalink

      But then again if its a joke xD which i kind of see its kind of sweet no matter what XD

  42. benowulf
    Posted February 16, 2011 at 6:57 PM | Permalink

    Listen, if you kill yourself young by eating unhealthy crap, I swear to Odin that I’m going to kill myself and go to hell and kill you again for dying before you’ve written more awesome books about the world you’ve created!!! I better read a blog about you eating some goddamn kale or something right soon!!!!

    Love your work by the way.

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