Oh couch of my heart…

So recently, I went furniture shopping. I needed a couch. The problem was, I hated all the couches.

But then I found this couch and I loved it.

This is my soul-couch. It is the couch of my heart. It’s like the great bed of Ware, but a couch. It’s like I had a dream, and in that dream I said, “I want a couch that looks like a pirate would fuck on it” and then I woke up and the dream was made manifest upon the world.

And it was on CLEARANCE? This is emblematic of everything that’s wrong in the world: That this couch would exist and yet not have a home where it was loved and cherished. I mean, there are so many bullshit couches out there. Hollow, horrible corporate things. Ugly. Uncomfortable. Couches with no heart. Couches with no panache.

And then there is this vasty beautiful beast. I mean, just looking at this couch I gave it a fucking backstory. Figuratively AND literally. It belonged to a pirate captain who looted it from the wealthy merchant vessel he raided. That’s why it’s scratched up in places. It was marred in the heat of battle, and rough sorts that they are, the pirate crew wasn’t gentle bringing it onboard.

Luckily, it’s a sturdy piece of furniture. And it was put to hard use over the years by Captain Fuckbeard. Lo, there was much carousing conducted in its vicinity. And yay, many a buxom lass and laddie was swivved thereon after giving enthusiastic verbal consent. And yes, much aftercare was also conducted upon thereto.

So I bought this couch.

And they brought it to my house.

And… I don’t know how to say this. It wouldn’t fit through the front door. We tried every way.

We took it around and it wouldn’t go through the back door, either. It just. Wouldn’t. Go.

And now I’m going to be sad and angry forever.

Goodbye beautiful pirate fuck-couch. I’ll never forget you.


This entry was posted in cool things, day in the life, I am completely fucking serious, love, My checkered past, My High Horse, my rockstar life, my terrible wrath, Rage, The Art of Letting Go, Things I Like. By Pat98 Responses


  1. Mr Peter Osgood
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 3:11 AM | Permalink

    A swift regard of a future life thwarted..

    I feel for that couch.

    • Kidil
      Posted November 13, 2020 at 2:52 PM | Permalink

      It looks like a detachable frame; are you sure it can’t be taken apart?

  2. Jake in oz
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 3:47 AM | Permalink

    I always unscrew my windows and couch port through that way. But I have big windows.

    • Camille
      Posted November 12, 2020 at 6:56 AM | Permalink

      Was gonna say this myself. “Have you tried any double windows?”

  3. Trismegistic
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 3:52 AM | Permalink

    Couldn’t it go in the Worldbuilders office? Then you could sit on it all you want and maybe give it away as a prize in a future raffle or auction.

    Posted November 12, 2020 at 4:38 AM | Permalink

    Pirate couch is just begging for some fan art…

  5. Casey
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 4:48 AM | Permalink

    Oh, how tragic!!! That was a twist I didn’t see coming. Sadness.

  6. Jamie
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 5:06 AM | Permalink

    Alas. See if the back comes off.

  7. Karim
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 5:12 AM | Permalink

    Never go secondhand furniture shopping in eastern Amman, Pat. You’d need a few planes to take stuff home.

    • Karim
      Posted November 12, 2020 at 5:27 AM | Permalink


      Lo, there was much carousing conducted in its vicinity. And yay, many a buxom lass and laddie was swivved thereon after giving enthusiastic verbal consent. And yes, much aftercare was also conducted upon thereto.

      And many a side was split and phrasing appreciated thereon. And lo, but Karim was tickled Pat had taken the time to have pirates give consent.

      • Posted November 13, 2020 at 2:07 AM | Permalink

        Consent is for everyone.

        • Karim
          Posted November 13, 2020 at 4:45 AM | Permalink

          Of course, but I hope you can see why I found it amusing!

          • Posted November 13, 2020 at 1:01 PM | Permalink


        • Katie
          Posted November 13, 2020 at 1:01 PM | Permalink

          Verbal consent is my new favorite Romance addition!

        • Paul
          Posted November 15, 2020 at 10:40 AM | Permalink

          I believe the couch is called “The Macbeth”. I’ve had it for ten years with a matching glass top coffee table. Love your backstory!

          • Dave
            Posted November 23, 2020 at 3:34 AM | Permalink

            Does the name reflect how hard it is to remove stains from the fabric? Out, damned spot!

  8. Florian
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 5:32 AM | Permalink

    Clearly you need a new house… or better a pirate ship to go along with the couch.

  9. Mark
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 5:34 AM | Permalink

    Walls should come down to accommodate a couch of such grandeur.

  10. Jason p Grannell
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 5:50 AM | Permalink

    Thanks for getting me all hot and bothered. Cold shower time!

  11. Landlouper
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 6:37 AM | Permalink

    The tag reads “Ready to Go”, not “ready to…arrive”. It maybe never wanted to be tied to one location?

  12. Janis
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 6:46 AM | Permalink

    You might give it to the worldbuilders lotterly?
    Though I have to say: Try taking off the back first, maybe it fits then.

  13. Anech
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 6:50 AM | Permalink

    Pat, this was so beauriful. It took me back 8-10 years, when we felt like the best of friends. Of course, I only involved me getting a glimpse into your everyday life… But it always made me so happy. Less alone in a way. I hope you are doing alright, and that silly little stories like this will appear more frequently in the time to come.

    Take care, and stay safe over there

    • Laitainon
      Posted November 12, 2020 at 9:46 AM | Permalink

      I was going to say something similar, so I’ll just second your post. Thanks for giving us a glimpse into your life, Pat.

  14. Constance
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 7:06 AM | Permalink

    Oh how tragic! That couch is amazing.

  15. Shawn
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 7:17 AM | Permalink

    I’d totally fuck a pirate on that couch!

  16. Sandi
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 7:23 AM | Permalink

    Due to covid, I worked from home March-May. I worked from my couch. I already knew I hated my couch. But after working from it, the hatred intensified. So, Friday of Memorial Day Weekend, after a particularly bad work week, and feeling angry at my employer, I left work early and went shopping for a new couch. I had no idea what I wanted. I had been looking online just to see what was out there, and see if anything sparked my interest. I went to one place in town, then a place north of town, and was totally not finding anything that made me happy. I decided to try the town south of us. I knew someone at a furniture store down there. I walked in, and there it was. My acquaintance was sitting on it…THE COUCH! It spoke to me immediately. It doesn’t have the personality of yours. It is by no means unique. But it was the perfect color, fabric, and style. I write to you now from said couch which I dearly love. I moved in the past couple of weeks, and I feared the couch wouldn’t fit through the doors. They took the back off and it made it in.

  17. J. Scaldini
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 7:23 AM | Permalink

    This reminds me of something similar that happened with me. I was doing an exchange program in Arkansas (I’m brazilian) and the church group I used to hang out with went on a trip to Texas to do some charity.
    One of the tasks was to give furniture to people that could not afford it. So we did the first armchair in a house and everything was okay.
    The problem was the second house. We had to move a huge couch, like reaaaally big, vast as all of the oceans. That thing was for a family of five or more. The apartment was in the second floor, close to the stairs, but without any space to move the furniture around.
    There was also a pillar in front of the door. It’s important to add this.
    The guy in the house could not speak a word of english, only spanish. And since no one spoke spanish, I had to communicate using my brazilian portuguese, which is – by a large amount – not the same thing.
    In the end, we spent close to one hour and a half trying to put the couch inside, we had to remove the door from the hinges and take out all of the couch’s “feet”, and we added a few scratches on it.
    The couch was in the house, we took the old one the guy was giving back and we left, saying the only word I knew at the time in spanish: “adiós”.
    Great! Mission accomplished, right?
    We headed back to the charity center, told the story to the lady responsible for the area and all she said was: “You guys could have told me. You just needed to head back, get a smaller couch and then do it again”.
    We felt like the dumbest men in the world. But, also, the most resilient.

    • Imnosuperhero
      Posted November 12, 2020 at 7:30 AM | Permalink

      Lol you replied while I was typing mine in. Yes, remove the feet! I just hope they didn’t think of that (although it’s furniture 101…), because I’m rooting for Pat and this couch to be united.

      I think the term these days is “I ship this” or something…

  18. Imnosuperhero
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 7:25 AM | Permalink

    No bullshit, I have almost that exact same couch, with the only difference being suede instead of the shiny leather. It came with my 110yr old, 2-story, -octagonal- craftsman home. I wish I could post pictures here, so I could prove it’s existence. Somehow it should fit into your house, because my doors are your standard, off the shelf, Lowe’s remodel doors.

    Did they try removing the feet? (Do the feet come off…hmmm…I’ll have to check when I get home.) I ask because I used to work for a furniture store, and (supposedly, according to Buddy) all mass produced furniture is made to fit through a trailer house door one way or another, and they’re 3″ smaller than your standard house entryway.

    I hope the feet are removable and the movers failed to check, because I really want you to have that couch.

  19. Leticia
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 7:58 AM | Permalink

    hahahahahahaha xD i love it!

  20. Spencer
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 8:34 AM | Permalink

    You need Dirk Gently to open a door in the right place to maneuver the sofa past. Although it’s possible this would just lead to the sofa stuck on the staircase when the door closed.

  21. Amanda
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 8:45 AM | Permalink

    I used my picture window to get my couch in the house….

  22. Drew miller
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 8:48 AM | Permalink

    O Captain! My Captain Fuckbeard!

  23. Posted November 12, 2020 at 9:16 AM | Permalink

    I’ve had to take couches (and refrigerators) apart to fit them through doors in the past. Perhaps?

  24. Curt Lunde
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 9:19 AM | Permalink

    Just set it in the yard and build a new room around it. Problem solved.

  25. Wizard44
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 11:30 AM | Permalink

    When can I buy a Captain Fuckbeard graphic novel? Or do I have to be sad and angry forever? (hehe)

  26. Pam C
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 4:31 PM | Permalink

    Most couches can be taken apart in some way but maybe this one can’t? We’ve taken off an arm side before to fit a couch through a door. Don’t give up!

  27. Joe Proud
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 5:01 PM | Permalink

    A Couch for Every Man;
    And for Every Man a Couch;

  28. Tam
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 5:04 PM | Permalink

    I used to work at a museum. We regularly removed double windows to move crated art. Sometimes there were cranes.

    Otherwise, you could just buy a different house. You got this.

  29. Michael Keating
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 5:59 PM | Permalink

    I think if you love something or someone enough, you will do anything for it/them. I think the front door had to go.

  30. Jason
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 6:27 PM | Permalink

    Smashed bay window? I mean, we had to replace multiple windows and/or windowframes just because of a baseball when I was a kid…seems worth it for a perfect, properly backstoried couch. I mean, I know summer in Northeast PA ain’t exactly Wisconsin in November….But gah, that sucks.

  31. David Neuman
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 7:28 PM | Permalink

    I am real sad now. could you get it back and maybe remove a window and pop it back in? My dad did that with a sectional.

  32. Problem Solver
    Posted November 12, 2020 at 11:05 PM | Permalink

    You can hire a furniture maker to take it apart just enough to fit and the put it back together. It won’t be that difficult and the couch won’t be harmed. Don’t give up on your dream!!!

  33. Jefferson Batisti
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 5:20 AM | Permalink

    Hahaha you sounds like Phoebe…
    Great story.

  34. Jonathan Hassan
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 7:24 AM | Permalink

    Did you ever hear the tragedy of Pat Rothfuss the uncouched? I thought not. It’s not a story other commentors would tell you..

  35. Amy
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 10:05 AM | Permalink

    What is the vasty couch of Captain Fuckbeard the Pirate called, so that we may see if such treasures are to be discovered in our vicinity?

    Furnishings with character are difficult to find, let alone those that are also comfortable.

    Hopefully the vasty couch of Captain Fuckbeard the Pirate found a way into the office or the Worldbuilders HQ and is not forever lost to you.

  36. Edison Neto
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 10:44 AM | Permalink

    So sorry for you loss Pat. Do you have a garage maybe? Or a shed where it could stay and you could go and visit, maybe read a few books on it?

  37. Julia Maddalina
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 11:59 AM | Permalink

    This is the blog post I needed to read today. Although I mourn for your pirate fuck-couch™… Thank you for the good belly laugh, Pat!

  38. Boyd
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 12:36 PM | Permalink

    That’s the kind of couch you buy, then rent a storage unit and keep in there until you have room for it.

  39. Erica
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 12:42 PM | Permalink

    Nothing to do but rip out your door and replace it with a bigger one.

  40. Posted November 13, 2020 at 12:53 PM | Permalink

    A temporary home in the Worldbuilders warehouse, while you find a tiny house builder who can create the perfect environ for your couch, with a view.

    When life gives you a pirate couch, make a writer’s retreat! Don’t forget the rocket mass heater set up as a foot warmer – the whole thing will serve as a great gathering space for chilly days/evenings, or a solitary space for introspection with a thermos full of something hot and enjoyable.

  41. Dani
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 12:59 PM | Permalink

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Sad ending!!!!! I’m sorry for your loss. :'(

  42. Steve
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 12:59 PM | Permalink

    I went furniture shopping in Massachusetts for my anticipated move to Manhattan. Specifically, to a 6th floor walkup. The movers looked at the oversized couch I bought (a couch that isn’t big enough for an over six foot tall person to stretch out and nap on is a loveseat, not a couch), looked at the narrow ass stairway to said 6th floor walkup, looked at me, looked back at the stairway, and said, it ain’t gonna fit.

    A pulley system from the roof, couple guys stronger than I’ll ever be and a removed window and frame and it sure did. Welcome to New York, kid. Glad the company paid the movers.

  43. Stephenson
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 2:18 PM | Permalink

    LMAO. Oh man this made my day.

    Where is the couch now Mr Pat?

  44. Nick
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 3:35 PM | Permalink

    That is an awesome couch. I wish I was nefarious enough to be called Fuckbeard.

  45. Posted November 13, 2020 at 6:20 PM | Permalink

    Is it still available?

    Funny, what you describe sounds like trying to put a couch into a bottle.

  46. Posted November 13, 2020 at 7:16 PM | Permalink

    I swear, even the odd blogs you post are golden. That was such a pleasure to read. I feel so infuriated for you.

    As Emma Stone sings in La La Land – “Here’s to the ones who dream…”

    Farewell, legendary couch.

  47. cooper
    Posted November 13, 2020 at 10:27 PM | Permalink

    fellow tall person here. My opinion of a dwelling drops significantly if the furniture is too tiny or the stairs are impassable without stooping. I understand that some people don’t have the curse but civilization is about accommodating other people.

  48. Victoria Kaiser
    Posted November 14, 2020 at 7:04 AM | Permalink

    This is a couch worth dismantling a door for. Try again! I have been following you since your Kingkiller Chronicles attained esteemed status on my All Time Favorites List. IMHO you are an epic (literally and figuratively) writer. Imagine my surprise and delight when watching a Criminal Minds rerun to see them use a quote from your works to close the show. Were you aware? I will continue to urge anyone who will listen to READ YOUR BOOKS! Write on!

  49. Veronica
    Posted November 14, 2020 at 9:50 AM | Permalink

    So you didn’t find a new couch, but you found a story. Thank you for sharing it with us. I honestly needed a story about a bi pirate captain who gives aftercare more than I can express.
    Should you ever want to expand the story further, I would read the hell out of it!

  50. Jack
    Posted November 14, 2020 at 1:31 PM | Permalink

    Well, I hope you gave your front door the proper sendoff before tearing it out to fit this masterpiece inside. Or at the very least put the couch into storage until you could shame the door into widening on its own. Because there’s no way I’d part with that.

  51. Posted November 15, 2020 at 8:17 AM | Permalink

    Tell me you did NOT really lose the couch! I would have torn down the damn wall to get that in the house. This post really made me chuckle since I obtained my desk in a similar way. I hated the cookie-cutter desks I saw in the cookie-cutter stores and in a Hail Mary effort to find something minimally interesting, I stopped at a consignment shop. In the back of the shop, with a sticker of $20, was the desk of my dreams. It’s very old, very battered, with wonderful multi-hued grains, years of nicks and dents and one edge that saw a fire up close and personal. I named her Anne Bonny.

  52. Kareina
    Posted November 15, 2020 at 2:27 PM | Permalink

    I hope that one of the above suggestions for getting the couch in anyway worked for you. Or that you can move to a house with a garage door, so you can have the couch…

  53. Robin Deffendall
    Posted November 15, 2020 at 6:34 PM | Permalink

    May I suggest, perhaps it is time to buy a new house. Or perhaps install a sliding glass door.

  54. Tyrus Parker
    Posted November 15, 2020 at 10:16 PM | Permalink

    Time to get some bigger doors, matey.

  55. Blu
    Posted November 16, 2020 at 6:31 AM | Permalink

    My father chainsawed through our door frame once to get a couch he loved into our house… He regretted it, but not at the time.
    I recommend Stihl…

  56. Pelle
    Posted November 16, 2020 at 8:47 AM | Permalink

    As much as i apprechiate the story, and respect your view, what an absolute monstrosity of a couch. I’d kill it if i tried entering my house.

    Fun blog post though, gg! :)

  57. Greg
    Posted November 16, 2020 at 10:53 AM | Permalink

    Hey Pat,

    Thanks for the short and sweet blog post. It made my day.

  58. eddiephlash
    Posted November 16, 2020 at 5:02 PM | Permalink

    How magnificent must your doors be, that they aren’t worth taking out so that the couch will fit. Or your windows, or even walls? You must live in a palace of grandeur to not find a way for to bring this luxurious sofa inside.

  59. James Willson
    Posted November 16, 2020 at 6:30 PM | Permalink

    So I’m sure this is a bit late, but with a couch like that, you have to weave it through the doorway. You pick it up so it’s tilted on the diagonal, with the back feet pointed to one side and the top outer point of the arm pointed to the other (back feet and arm are in a horizontal plane to each other). Then you don’t approach the opening straight-on, but with the couch more parallel with the wall and to the side…you poke the first arm through and then rotate the couch to inline (but still held on the angle) as you move forward. When you get to the other end, you swing the now mostly inside couch again parallel to the outer wall, freeing the second arm to come in. It’s a bit like a magic trick where after you do it everyone goes” Ohhh…”. Usually you can take the feet off with a bit of fiddling if you need to

    • Patricia Winters
      Posted November 19, 2020 at 7:43 AM | Permalink

      Sounds like managing a difficult birth…

  60. name of my wind
    Posted November 17, 2020 at 9:16 AM | Permalink

    If it makes you feel any better – the shininess/fold of the material indicates that it’s made of bonded leather, which would have started to disintegrate and peel after about a year’s regular use.

    Definitely, a work of art though.

  61. Lady Shae
    Posted November 17, 2020 at 2:49 PM | Permalink

    We have this couch. When we moved into a little 100+ year old house in town it would not fit through the (after-market) slider, so we pulled the slider out by it’s frame. Several months later, with a tax return in hand, I had the couch reupholstered, so we removed the slider again. After pulling and re-setting the sliding door 3X , we got pretty damn good at it, but have since replaced the slider with a double open set of lovely french doors….. all to accommodate the fuckalicious couch.

    I’m inspired and will now sign off to go shop for some pirate lingerie.

  62. Posted November 17, 2020 at 2:55 PM | Permalink

    This seems off topic, but it’s not. Stay with me. When I escaped the throes of rampant alcoholism by moving back to my home state of New Hampshire, my husband and I rented an apartment in a very, very old brick-end colonial home. Old as in “I pre-date my own country” old. I believe it was built in the late 1760s, but honestly it could have been the Paleolithic period, as roughly cobbled together it was with nary a right angle to be found anywhere. Drop a marble, and you would be off on a grand tour through every room.

    Deep within this apartment was a steep wooden spiral staircase to the second and third floors. Each tread was about 6 inches deep, but the risers topped a solid foot. This is the kind of staircase that you would develop mountaineering skills climbing barefoot, let alone tempting the gods by descending wearing socks. Needless to say, perfect for a sober girl.

    Unfortunately, if you like furniture, this is not the setup for you. We could manage the smaller dressers and such, but when it came down to the bed, we pretty much had to make a quesadilla out of it to haul it up. Then there was the boxspring.


    The only (only!) way this thing was going up those stairs was in pieces. So out came the sawzall, and now the boxspring was two. We screwed them back together, threw the mattress on it, and rejoiced in our MacGuyverie.

    That was four years ago. We’re still here. So is the jury-rigged, hand forged Frankenbed. Now, every single time we have sex on it, the earsplitting squeaka-squeaka can be heard as far as Boston. There is literally nothing that can be done for this. It scares the cats away, sets distant wolves to howling, and we don’t dare attempt it if our daughter is anywhere within a hundred miles.

    I think Captain Fuckbeard would enjoy such chaos. Have you considered sawing your Soul Couch in half? I am endeavoring to get this message of hope to you before it is too late.

    PS. You are my very favoritest author ever, and I love you.


  63. Carrie Schuster
    Posted November 18, 2020 at 3:49 PM | Permalink

    Great couch like that? Buy a home for it. It deserves to retire in luxury after a long life of service.

  64. Timo
    Posted November 19, 2020 at 10:57 AM | Permalink

    No one said the obvious solution.

    Buy a f***ing pirate ship for that couch. It deserves to be back at sea.


  65. Nate T
    Posted November 19, 2020 at 11:10 AM | Permalink

    I was a furniture mover for almost a decade. I wish I had been there to get that couch into your home. I would have made it work. For future reference… there are people called “couch breakers” who are professionals who come to the site of your distressing couch emergency and break your couch in a fixable way, so that it can be brought inside and reassembled. Afterwards you wouldn’t even know anything had happened. Perhaps if it is not too late you can give this a try.

  66. Scott
    Posted November 19, 2020 at 1:36 PM | Permalink

    Two blogs in a week’s time?! It’s good to read your voice again.

    Fuckbeard the Pirate is immensely hilarious to think about also

  67. KingBling
    Posted November 19, 2020 at 6:41 PM | Permalink

    Looks like you need a bigger house Pat.

  68. Posted November 22, 2020 at 7:24 AM | Permalink

    I had a good laugh while reading…then came the ending. The struggle was real, both physically and emotionally, I could tell. May you find the couch of your dreams, Pat, and know that this universe is not only cruel to you in this story, as this pirate couch will return to the cold, clearance floor with one more scratch as proof of its eternal doom.

  69. Sevag
    Posted November 22, 2020 at 10:41 PM | Permalink

    I’m sorry to hear that

  70. Deryk Linik
    Posted November 23, 2020 at 3:04 PM | Permalink

    As above, so below.

  71. Alan C
    Posted November 24, 2020 at 4:13 PM | Permalink

    I owned the companion chair (throne) to that couch for several years. It was a very large chair in a very small Virginia townhouse; severely out of its proper element. I hope the fella we sold it to placed it in a room of rich dark wood and fire light.

    Side note, we had to remove the feet and twist the fabric of space to get it through the door.

    • Kirsten Ritchie
      Posted November 28, 2020 at 12:38 PM | Permalink

      Time to move to a new house that will fit the couch. Or what about setting it outside in the garden…sounds like with all its adventures it deserves a relaxing time in the garden just being.

      Loved the back story.

  72. Kristy
    Posted November 25, 2020 at 3:03 AM | Permalink

    Did you try to PIVOT?

  73. Eric
    Posted November 27, 2020 at 4:15 PM | Permalink

    Pirate Fuck-Couch. Band name, I called it!

  74. Camille Chaustre McNally
    Posted November 28, 2020 at 6:16 PM | Permalink

    Now you need to find it’s little brother…

  75. Betsy Wollheim
    Posted November 28, 2020 at 9:58 PM | Permalink

    Dear Pat,

    The love of your couch, and hatred of *most* couches really touched my heart. I feel that way about certain pieces of furniture, too, crazy as it is.
    I bought the Victorian curio cabinet of my dreams in California.
    It traveled 3,000 miles, and we couldn’t get it in the elevator. We also carried it (damn heavy) up the back stairs and it wouldn’t fit in my back door. So I was about to send it back–3,000 miles (that I had to pay for). Then I had an idea. I’ve lived with an old industrial elevator with a side door that opens on the street for decades. I wondered if we removed the decorative top of the cabinet, and attempted to move the elevator with that side door open, if we could avoid sending back the piece. Voila! opening the door gave us six extra inches! I now have the piece in my bedroom.

    Could you have a carpenter remove the doorframe to get the couch inside? Just a thought.


  76. Christine Cousineau
    Posted November 29, 2020 at 1:23 PM | Permalink

    I can’t say I agree with you. I am with your house on this one. The couch or rather the ‘chesterfield’ is not allowed entrance. It is one of the most extravagantly ugly sofas I have ever seen!

    • J. Lynn Storey
      Posted December 31, 2020 at 12:32 AM | Permalink

      That’s a bad couch. His house did him a favor and he doesn’t even know it. That is the Ivanka Trump of couches: all superficial glitz and glamor, no significance or substance. Certainly capable of throwing its weight around, but not good for. . . anything, much less the long run. He would have been terribly disappointed (and unable to admit it, after all the trouble).

  77. Jaquie Campos
    Posted November 30, 2020 at 8:31 AM | Permalink

    It hurts

  78. Chelsey Salisbury
    Posted December 3, 2020 at 1:06 PM | Permalink

    Finally! Someone that understands the love of a couch. I recently moved into my own apartment and it took me 3 months to find the perfect couch. It became a whole ordeal. You see, at first, I gave into the “sure, I’ll buy a couch offline that’s subpar because I need a couch.” And then quickly realized that that choice was a mistake. So, I cancelled the order and went to many different stores over a span of a couple weeks and then, when I was about to give up hope, I saw her. You see mine is a velvet green and gold couch that embodies the energy of a sage witch that owned it once. I envision that many spells were cast while being held by this vessel and that even spilled over onto it to give it the swirls it so majestically has imprinted on it. It could hold a village and if I could not have fit it in this new apartment, I would have broken my lease and lived under a bridge with my majestic couch happily ever after.

  79. David Morgan
    Posted December 9, 2020 at 12:47 AM | Permalink

    I’ll trade you that couch for $5000 and a writing desk…

    Posted December 12, 2020 at 9:58 AM | Permalink

    somebody said that couch was ugly…but the naps oh yea the naps…lol

  81. Posted December 15, 2020 at 10:53 PM | Permalink

    Most. Hideous. Couch. *Ever.*

    I am truly sorry for your loss. But sometimes the universe steps in to protect you.

  82. A
    Posted December 31, 2020 at 9:49 PM | Permalink

    I literally had this exact same couch until moving across the country three years ago. We paid to have it moved, waited weeks for it to show up, and … it didn’t fit through our new front door! So we had to get a sleek little thing to replace it. It was great while it lasted, though!

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