(This blog got real long and rambly, even for me. The TLDR is here, if you want.)
* * *
Okay. For the avoidance of doubt, this isn’t a blog about Labyrinth.
I *could* write a blog about Labyrinth. Hell, I probably *should* write a blog about Labyrinth.
Did I ever tell the story of the time I dressed up as Jareth from Labyrinth?
(You *can* click to embiggen this, but you probably shouldn’t.)
Yes yes. I know. The resemblance to David Bowie is uncanny.
But as I’ve said, this isn’t a blog about Labyrinth. It’s a blog about being nervous and not understanding why.
Which means, I suppose, that this might be a blog about anxiety.
* * *
I’ve been meaning to write a blog on mental health for the whole month of May (It’s mental health awareness month.) And there’s a certain grim humor attached to the fact that I haven’t had my shit together enough to actually finish any of the blogs I started *because* of… Mental health stuff. But all roads lead to Amber, I suppose. So here we are, and what I meant to be a blog about the kickstarter I’m launching tomorrow has the most ADHD opening ever, and then segues into me talking about anxiety.
Here’s the thing. I’ve had a vast, pervasive, and widely assorted grab-bag of mood disorder experience over the course of my life. It’s only over the last 10 years or so, since I’ve been doing a lot of therapy, that I’ve put names to things. The most notable of these is probably my relatively recently being diagnosed with ADHD.
That said, looking back, it’s obvious that some of these things have been with me through the course of my whole life. What I used to think of as my “Hamlet Moods” back in high-school had more than a passing resemblance to depressive episodes. One of my earlier diagnoses was Cyclothymia, which means I go a little higher than most people, then a little lower than most people. So I get a taste of both the manic and the depressive.
But never anxiety. Or at least not until recently. It’s only over the last 5-6 years that I’ve had a taste of Anxiety that. And I have to say, I don’t care for it. Maybe I’m just more familiar with it, but pound-for-pound it’s harder to deal with depressive symptoms.
I once had someone describe Anxiety to me as, “Hearing that tense music that plays in a video game before the big boss fight… but then no boss shows up and you’re all keyed up, thinking, where is it? What do I have to fight?”
I like this description because it makes it clear that the feeling isn’t the problem. The feeling of being a little scared and keyed up and nervous isn’t bad or wrong. It’s the way you *should* feel during a boss fight. But if you feel it so strongly you can’t fight the boss, then it’s a disorder. It’s disruptive. Alternately, what makes it a mood *disorder* is when that feeling happens and there’s no boss to fight. Otherwise it’s just a mood.
So I should make it clear. What I’ve had over the last couple years has been a disorder. Waking up in the middle of the night sweating. Being unable to sleep in the first place. Being scared at nothing. Jumping at small noises. Things like that are disproportionate and disruptive.
What I have tonight is probably just nervousness. Just feelings. I’m nervous about the kickstarter we’re going to launch tomorrow, and I don’t know why, and that’s been making me more nervous. Which sucks.
But I think I’ve finally figured it out.
* * *
As I mentioned on the blog months ago….
Huh. I just spent 10 minutes looking through my old blogs for the post I made about Digger. I know I talked about it back during the fundraiser. We made the big announcement then. But I guess that blog is one of the hundreds I’ve half-written then left unfinished. Damn.
For those of you who want the whole story, here’s that video:
For those of you who want the short version: I found out a comic I love had gone out of print, one thing led to another, and now I’m finally doing something I’ve dreamed about for ages. I’m starting my own tiny publishing imprint: Underthing Press.
(I’m really happy with how the logo turned out.)
The first book we’re publishing is Digger. It’s our maiden voyage. Nooo… That sounds wierd. Our first try? Our… dry run?
It’s our first time. And I’m nervous. Really really nervous. Which feels so odd to me, as I’ve done a *ton* of kickstarters before. The first one we did went over really well. The Tak kickstarter blew the doors off and we raised well over $1,000,000 dollars. The card kickstarter went really well too…
So why am I so nervous about this one? I don’t mind being nervous, but I hate not knowing *why* I feel a way. If there’s actually a boss here to fight, I’ll fight it. But if not, then I need to realize I’m maybe having a problem…
I’ve been thinking about it all night, and I think I’ve finally manage to put my finger on what makes this kickstarter different.
First, the other kickstarters were all based in my world, based on my books. My thought was always, “I’ll put this out for people, and if they want it, they can buy it. And if they’re not interested, no hard no foul.”
But this *isn’t* my book. It’s someone else’s book that I’m trying to bring back into the world. If I do a bad job, I’m letting down someone else…
Another issue is that we were actually going to launch this kickstarter waaaaay back in August of 2021. But various things kept spiking our wheel. Covid problems. Paper shortages. Printers going out of business. Quotes changing. Shipping being *wildly* disrupted. As a result, what I’d initially thought of as being an easy first project for Underthing has take a lot more time and energy than I’d anticipated, as we’ve had to solve some problems multiple times….
I’m worried because we can’t fill this kickstarter with stretch goals the way I like to because we want these books to be beautiful right from the beginning.
I’m worried because we’re doing this one as a 21 day kickstarter, instead of my typical 31 that I’ve always done before….
And of course, I’m not looking forward to the people who are going to come after me for doing *anything* other than working on Book Three. That’s a persistent dread. Every time I tweet, whenever I leave my house for a walk, I know there’s probably a 50/50 chance of someone coming up to me and asking me about it. Sometimes it’s just casual, sometimes it’s aggressive, but it’s always a possibility.
But even as I type those up, I realize they’re not my real fear. The other kickstarters were side projects. They would succeed or fail. But Underthing press… It’s something I’ve kinda wanted to do for a decade. A place where I can bring books I love back into print. A way to maybe revive series that have been canceled or abandoned by other publishers.
And, of course, a place where I can publish some of my own odd little projects without having to worry about making the project appealing to a publisher. I want to do my own weird shit in my own weird way. The second book I want do publish with Underthing Press is the graphic novel of The Boy the Loved the Moon that I’ve been working on with Nate Taylor for years now. I had fun working on the Rick and Morty Vs. Dungeons and Dragons comic. But boy I felt my hands were tied in so many ways with that. There was so much I *couldn’t* do….
Yeah. Writing this down, I realize that’s the real thing. This kickstarter isn’t just me trying to bring a book I love back into print. It’s also testing the waters to see if we can make Underthing Press work. It’s seeing if people will show up after all these years of me not being able to finish my book, and trust me to at least give them a book. If this kickstarter flops, it’s not just a single project, it’s maybe the future projects, too…
So… yeah. Yay? I solved my anxiety puzzle. It still doesn’t feel great, but it feels better knowing *why* I feel nervous.
Anyway… This blog was supposed to be a kickstarter announcement, and I’ve kinda done everything but that.
What’s more, it’s no longer the night before the kickstarter, it’s the morning of. We’re going to be launching it inside the hour.
So here it is….
Here’s a link to the kickstarter page, if you’re interested. If you get there before it launches, you can click the button to be notified as soon as things go live…
If any of you have any questions about the kickstarter or Underthing Press, feel free to drop them in the comments below, we’ll try to answer them. But please be patient. As soon as the kickstarter launches, we’re going to have a busy couple days, as the first 36 hours or so of a kickstarter can determine how the whole thing turns out…
Later space cowboys,
pat
- [Edit: 2:18 PM] Kickstarter launched at 1:30, and funded in less than 5 minutes. Kinda stunned, honestly. We’re at over $50,000.
I did a livestream for the launch. Nothing fancy, mostly just me fretting and being surprised. Here’s the archived video on twitch, if you’re interested.
- [Edit: 4:02 PM] Whelp. Just got back from picking the boys up from school and saw this.
Almost at 100,000 and we’re not even three hours in. I’m honestly, legitimately surprised. Maybe I shouldn’t be, after all these years. But I still am.
Today’s a good day.
56 Comments
Thank you for writing about health and how it impacts you and your life. Hearing how others are struggling and pushing through fear and doubt and (gestures at the bin fire that is the world) helps me to dare for the happiness this world is capable of providing, even if it isn’t guaranteed.
Thank you.
*hearthands*
10x!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry to hear about the anxiety, it can be rough. Your books have seen me through a few of my own “hamlet moods” and held my hand till I reached the other side, so I hope you are able to find the tools you need to improve your mental health as well.
Also, for anyone like me who was sadly ignorant of Digger it “is a story about a wombat. More specifically, it is a story about a particularly no-nonsense wombat who finds herself stuck on the wrong end of a one-way tunnel in a strange land where nonsense seems to be the specialty.” Signed up to be notified when it goes live!
Hi Pat,
Two things…
One, Digger is one of my favorite comics, and I’m excited that you’re bringing it back into print! I have all of the original printings, but I’ll probably back the Kickstarter too, because, y’know, support for artists.
Two, having lived with an anxiety disorder for a LONG time, I can vouch for the fact that sometimes, there’s no reason for feeling like there’s boss-battle music playing. It just is. That doesn’t keep me from wracking my brain trying to figure out WHY THE MUSIC IS PLAYING, but sometimes, it’s just my personal soundtrack on a particularly annoying shuffle on one of the thousand tabs that my brain has open at any given time.
Hope you’re feeling better!
I’m always delighted when I find someone who’s already a fan of Digger. It’s like we’re in a secret club or something…
Love the tag ’emo bullshit, gave me a good chuckle. But know that some of us really care about your mental health and appreciate hearing how you’re doing regardless of your progress on any book or project.
Hey Pat,
Keep doing what you love and those of us that love what you are doing will continue to be here. Take the time and steps you need for self-care.
And, as always, thank you for sharing.
Dude, you are the best. I hope this goes well and I will purchasing everything you release that my wallet allows. I will also zealously share it with everyone I know as I have with all your other work. Keep fighting friend! I have more respect and sympathy for people who can climb out of chasms than those who can climb mountains, for the deep is dark and full of the unknown. This chasm may be a long one, and harder to climb out of than to climb to the top of a mountain, but it WILL end. You will climb out. We are cheering you on from the plains, the mountains, and the unseen chasms below you. You can do this.
Taking concrete steps to pursue a dream is always terrifying, I think, because it forces you to throw away what-ifs and can cause you to abandon possible future versions of yourself. But hey, there’s always parallel universes to run to!
I think it’ll be great and I don’t think you have anything to worry about, but obviously anxiety doesn’t get magically calmed down by strangers telling you not to worry. Nevertheless, you have people who believe in you and back you in many things, and this is sure to be another one of those times.
Congratulations on taking this step!
Pat,
You’re not alone dealing with anxiety issues.
If you haven’t done so, talk to your doctor. The medication have made a world of difference for me and there are other options.
Be well!
I am glad you were able to narrow down some sources for your anxiety! I’ve definitely dealt with similar feelings, and it’s always a battle. This Kickstarter is going to be fabulous, it’s already doing so well… I’m guessing Underthing Press is going to be a fantastic adventure for you and all of your fans. I know I’m excited about all the projects to come. Thanks for everything you do.
Pat this is amazing, congratulations!
What a step amid challenging circumstances, respect.
If you ever need a brand/editorial design partner, please contact me.
Pat,
You Spark Joy,
Thanks
I find it interesting that you were only sort of recently diagnosed with ADHD, because I (a pediatrician who does this on the regular) “diagnosed” Kvothe with ADHD maybe 15 years ago. Not that Kvothe is you! Just that you seemed well familiar with the workings of an ADHD mind…
I think that you have enough fans that most Kickstarters will succeed. There are many, many people who trust your judgement in matters of reading.
I am fairly sure it was previously established, during a Q/A session at Pax West some years ago, that the character Pat most closely identifies with from his novels is Ambrose Jakis…
Probably the reason the 3rd book has primarily devolved into an anxiety issue is because the public expectation has developed so into humongous proportions along with the fame. My advice on that is to remember that your past works live quite adequately on their own as standalone testimonials to exemplary creativity and story telling, however open ended. If they’re not satisfied with time well spent, that’s their problem, not yours.
You’re one of my favorite SF writers.
Cool! Can you reprint your College Survival Guide? I’ve always wanted to read your college work but even 10 years ago the book was so expensive and really hard to find. If I ever won one of those gold rings you used to do, I knew that I would ask you for that book. Best of luck, Pat!
I would like to second this! I have been looking for years. At the moment there is a copy for sale, for over $2,000 on eBay. As long as it remains out of print, I fear I will never have the opportunity to read.
P.S. Pat, if by some off chance you read this comment, do you think it’s worth that price tag? Not to say you can place a price on literature, even less so, a book 0f your own creation, but just out of curiosity.
I started calling my “Hamlet moods” as Nightheart. That sort of became by an accident when I was writing this one poem…
Let me just say this: I love and respect your work and your opinion so much, that any book that you love enough to reprint, or anything else with it, I will probably also love. I’m willing to put my money in your hands and enjoy the results. I’ve already pledged for the e-book. Thank you!!
I just read my email and got the reminder and went to pledge. Yeah, I don’t think you’re going to have a problem with the Kickstarter. smile
As someone who adores your books, I care about you more. I think Underthing Press sounds like a wonderful adventure, and I know that good things will come from it. I can’t wait to see what you do with it.
I didn’t find Ursula Vernon until after Digger was out of print. Have been rapidly buying and reading all UV/T Kingfisher books. Screened in joy when I saw you would be bringing Digger back in print. Two of my favorite authors connecting. Thank you soooo much!!
As someone who has dealt with both depression and anxiety for many, many years, I agree. For me as well, anxiety – at least severe anxiety – is more challenging and more ironically more miserable, than depression. But even with anxiety, there is a rapport to be built, and there are strategies to learn – your own – I don’t believe in one-size-fits-all approaches to mental health. I’m sorry you’re dealing with the getting to know you stages of anxiety. The one thing I can say (little as this likely means coming from a handful of people against the angry masses) is that I (almost) couldn’t care less how long Doors takes. The story you’ve given us is so beautiful and so comforting (and so re-readable). I couldn’t possibly be anything but grateful, and I couldn’t possibly want anything but health and happiness for its author.
I’m super excited about Underthing Press. Thank you for your candor. This is all stuff we can relate to, and feeling less alone with mental health challenges DOES make them easier to bear.
I hope you can get a chance to relax and maybe even a good night’s sleep. It’s raised around $135,000 in around 8 hours. I look forward to seeing what comes next.
As a fellow Pointer alum, who was diagnosed w ADHD at 50, and who also has the cyclothemia issue, I get you. I have found that life has become easier overall now that I understand more about it. I have found reading about adhad and speaking with others about it has allowed me to accept me for who I am. I love myself more than ever because I get me more than ever. Promise that when our paths cross, and they do occasionally, I’ll just say hi.
I have loved you from the beginning, especially when you personally answered a message way back in the beginning when you first published. Your writing style enchants me. I did not like the porny stuff but do not fret about it. Just keep on keeping on! You are, here insert lots of positive adjectives about how much I like you. Keep on keeping on!
Hey Pat,
I used to not understand why people with anxiety and symptoms of other mental health issues struggled so much. I saw it first hand, and have seen someone close to me dealing with it, then working with it, and constantly seeking to work through it. I can see now the massive impact it has on someone’s mind, health and general well being. I’ve begun to experience my own version of this over the past couple years, as I’m sure many others have. It is potent.
I want to express my deep gratitude for you, your work and your voice in the many things you participate in. I never would have thought to buy a goat for a family in another country, but you helped me do that. We had donations instead of Christmas a couple years ago and that was a better feeling than getting whatever Knick knacks thing would have materialized instead.
I have a friend who asked me if I read fantasy several years ago. I said not really because I wasn’t reading much of anything. He was adamant that I read this Name of the Wind book (listen to it). I signed up for audible and got it going. I got thru the book and was like, Dustin what the fuck was that? What the hell even was that even, Dustin? I have no idea what happened there. But I went on to book 2 cause I believe that it’s about the journey or the whole picture or I don’t know when to quit or whatever. Probably Dustin was super into it and I just rode that.
About half way thru book two something clicked and I was like OH! I have no idea what fantasy is!
I finished it and was thinking “that Podehl guy can fucking narrate” but I don’t get the Cavote guy.
I got really into audible though. I began to devour books. I caught up on some books I had read before, like Enders game and hitchhikers. I found my way onto r/fantasy and dug into the meta list of authors and books. KKC niggled at my brain. I kept reading and reading.
After Idno maybe 8 months I decided I wanted to come back to KKC. Seriously Dustin wouldn’t shut up about the Chandrian. I went back in for my second pass. At this point I have already bought a pair of ear buds and have been taking books with me on the road for commute and the daily constitutionals, etc. I found myself putting the day to rest with KKC on the nightstand. The clarity of thought when the lights are out and I’m curled up to Nicks sweet sweet rendition of Master Artificer, or the Crockery (laughing face) somehow wouldn’t allow me to sleep. I found myself up all night rapt with attention to a whole book under the surface of the story. I was hooked.
It’s been Idno how many years since it clicked. But we (wife and I) have put these books in at night for… several years. Each.damn. Time I finishe the books I find more things to ponder and debate with Dustin about motive and theory.
I keep coming back to this world of Temerant because I absolutely love it. I keep coming back to your books because I’ve not seen many books reach so deeply into something I can’t define well enough here and pull me into the depth of story as you have done. If you set your quill down today I would be content with the world you have created and the amazing characters that have come to life.
The depth of worldbuilding in KKC and the quality of writing are nothing short of inspiration to me. I will openly admit that your writing has inspired me to begin writing. I have spent the past few years learning to world build. I have spent the past year planning out my strategy to build an epic world. I am nearly done with my first outline for the first book in my writing…. Thing.
I wanted to thank you for taking the time to write your book the way you want to. I want to thank you for taking the time to live your life and be a voice for mental health in a world that struggles with understanding in so many ways. Oh fuck I forgot damnit. I played Tak one time years ago and was hooked. I bought the board game version but was like “this game is so epic it needs to be wood and super fucking nice” so I googled it and found Wyrmwoods Purple Heart board. Thing was $700. I wa t he’d a video of them making it and had vague memories of shop class from 25 years ago. Uhhh that’s a … table saw? $300 later I bought a table saw, and went on a 3 year journey of learning woodworking, making Tak Boards and the obvious cutting boards for Xmas gifts. Yeah so Idno thanks for that.
Anyway thanks for doing shit the right way. I appreciate you.
Thanks Pat – personally, from my point of view, it’s always good to hear “People you think have their shit fully together are just as susceptible to these demons as you are.”
I also finally did a true neuro-psych eval a few month ago and confirmed my ADHD (as well as Anxiety and Depression), and am finally getting a handle on it – that said, therapy has helped give me some really good tools to keep in my toolbox for handling things… I had some news yesterday that impacts my work (my generally well intentioned, very socially progressive corporate overlords are selling the business to a company that is socially regressive and plans to probably strip most of us once the deal is done) and had a full on ‘sit down, hug the knees, sob’ anxiety attack… but was able to get it under wraps faster than normal using techniques that I learned in therapy.
Hi Pat. Anxiety is a real [insert the expletive of your choice]. I got smacked down by it in my 20’s. I remember going up and down the stairs at the T station in Boston and my heart kept doing this weird fluttery business. Then there was the rampant insomnia. The shakes. The whine of the ever keening self-doubt. It’s more manageable now in my 40’s, but the zzzzhhhhnnnn sound of it is always in the background.
So here’s to us, and cheers to us, the ones who live with that constant buzz.
As someone who has struggled with anxiety for a long time, I just wanted to commiserate and say that I understand. As the world continues to become more frightening and depressing by the day it’s no wonder so many of us feel this way.
No advice – just big virtual bear hugs that I would probably never give a person, in person.
I just came here to point out that you *cannot* click to embiggen that, even tho nobody really should.
Hey Patrick,
Enjoyed reading the update. My wife was just recently diagnosed with ADHD and she really enjoys how well you can explain your own struggle relating to it as well. Meaning that when she watches you talk about it or listens to you describe what is happening and how things just make sense all of a sudden, i know she’s impacted in a good way. She’s listened to your books like 5 times on repeat at this point but i know she appreciates your natural ability with words and relating/describing things. Thank you for helping her in your way. Excited to tag along in your party! I’m pumped about Underthing as well!
Hey Pat,
First, I’m very happy to see that the project is at $170,000! I know people get on you for book 3 and I’m sorry for that. I think the speed at which this particular kickstarter was funded is a mighty indication that we love you and are fans of your work. I am personally very excited to see what cool shit you end up publishing.
Second, As someone who has had some pretty bad anxiety since they came online – I feel for you. I didn’t even realize feeling that way wasn’t normal until I was 19 or so. You are doing exactly what you should in regards to it. Therapy, reflection, self-care, etc – I’m happy for you, and you a very much not alone in your ailments. I think you should view them all as further proof you are a capable and talented person, considering what you have been able to achieve with your work and life.
Be well and I’m stoked to go on this journey with you and your other fans!
-Justin
Hey Pat,
Seems like an exciting new venture. I don’t doubt you’ll find immense success!
I know there are many out there, myself included, who would really appreciate an update on the Chapter Reading you promised back in December. It’s been half a year, bud…
So glad to see that you’re working on new things, but let’s make sure you’re a man of your word and keep the promises you already made (and that people paid for,) right?
Cheers!!
Congrats on the successful start of the Kickstarter. I’m happy it took off though the shipping cost to Germany keeps me from pledging a higher tier than e-book :(
Some interesting righteousness creeping into the forum. I’d view it as a positive. An opportunity to tackle some of that anxiety head on. A good shrink, of appropriate moral character would charge you hundreds for that. A bad one would charge you thousands to avoid telling you that. I hope you are doing well. I hope you well know what to do.
My daughter is waiting for an ADHD test – it typically takes at least a year in the UK. She got through school OK but university was like hitting a wall and it was only then that we realised the signs were always there. Her cousin has ADHD so it was my sister who told me that the stories I was recounting were classic symptoms. I’m amazed that you ever managed to complete books 1 and 2 – what an incredible achievement. I’m resigned to the fact that book 3 may never arrive – it’s not a cure for cancer – we will all get by without it. In the meantime, I love these posts and get a thrill from seeing how much financial support there is for anything Rothfuss related – what an amazing community of people.
Congrats, dude.
I think it’s rad that you’re pursuing the stuff you’ve dreamed about doing for years, and experimenting with ideas that interest you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, your work and efforts, and your process.
In spite of everything, you seem to be kicking so much more ass than the average human – I’m not sure, but it seems most of the good ones seem to struggle under the weight of “not enough,” and Idunno if that ever goes away as a creative individual with standards and ambition.
Read up through some of the comments on this, and FWIW a strategy that was recommended to me and I’ve personally found helpful over the past few months is seriously (and honestly) contemplating the consequences of whatever I’m anxious about. It seems to help a bit with regaining some perspective.
For instance: What if some people I don’t know (and who don’t know me) are mad because I’m currently following one personally valuable pursuit over another?
Consequences: Your pool of *potential* funding for the endeavor (assuming it requires funding at all) may be slightly narrower from the category of “existing fans,” assuming that the same people who are ass-mad were ever planning to fund anything other than the one project of interest to them, and the rest of your funding will still come from people who are interested in *this* project or want to support *you* as a human — circles which probably don’t overlap with the first group at all. The project might be funded, or it might not (that part’s out of your control, anyway), but it doesn’t vanish into the ether and you’ll probably learn something from it. Since you’re not dead, anything that doesn’t succeed on the first shot can be tried again later. You’ll still be able to work on the skills involved, and next time the big DM in the sky asks you to roll the dice, you’ll have a higher bonus.
This is lovely. Thank you for writing it and while I’ve never heard of Digger, I have something to unearth so thank you for that too. I’m glad you’re gaining clarity on how your mind works. It’s always a relief to have a name for it. I’m still working on figuring that out myself and it honestly feels hopeless. Been trying for a while now. But, take the good with the bad, I suppose. If you find something that works, I look forward to hearing about it.
Glad your campaign went well. :)
I always save your blogs for when I feel I “need” them. Today I let myself read it.
I have an exam on Thursday and, even though I thought I was curbing my panic this time, I find myself anxious and antsy and apathetic at the same time (which is not ideal when one also tends to procrastinate throughout the semester). For two days I had been confused as to why I was feeling this way, not making the connection to my exam until I read your blog. And, though the feeling hasn’t gone away, it makes me feel slightly more in control knowing its origin and knowing it *will* leave me after the exam (or at the latest when I get my results). Thank you for that much needed heads up.
Hearing people one has some semblance of a connection to speak about mental health shouldn’t have as big of an effect as it does. Lots of people mention mental health, there’s mental health month apparently, going to the therapist is slowly becoming a more casual thing to say (like going to the hairdressers, or maybe the pharmacy) – and still it doesn’t really register until someone “important” to you joins in. I spent my entire teenage years hiding my depression from everyone around me, and (unsurprisingly) it nearly broke me. I’ve become a lot more open, but still I have trouble initiating conversation or resisting the urge to downplay and swindle my way out of them. So reading you (a person who has brought me so much joy and comfort through their stories and characters) openly talk about their struggles, is strangely comforting. Don’t get me wrong; I’m distressed over the fact that you feel the way you do, but (like the endnote of Slow Regard Of Silent Things) it makes me feel a little less abnormal, a little less wrong.
You’re doing good work; whether that be writing KKC 3, bringing back beloved novels that have been lost or sharing a blog post. Thank you.
I’m usually more of a silent observer than a vocal participant on the internet, but what you said about the persistent dread about people asking after book 3 hit me. It hit this sense of incomprehension I get every time I come accross these negative or demanding comments pointed your way. I can only imagine the pressure this puts on someone, even if it is about something you love.
I guess I finally thought enough is enough and I’ll add my voice to the sea of comments, just for the tiny chance that you read it and get something out of it. I’ve been meaning to do this for a while but I can imagine even positive comments about book 3 might spark that dread, so I kept quiet. But now that you addressed it yourself in this very blog, I guess there’s no harm.
Anyway, I meant to be concise but it looks like I’m following the trend of this blog post. I wanted to say that I’m really grateful. I don’t know if this new project will be for me or not, but regardless of what you do next I’ll always cherish the first two books (as well as some of your other works). If/when book three comes out I’ll be really excited, but even if at some point you were to declare it will never come, sure I’d be sad, but it wiould be the small sadness of a wish unfulfilled in contrast to the greater happiness of the gift already given in these first two books.
In short, to quote Sanderson (hope you don’t mind), Journey before Destination, and you’ve already given us one hell of a journey, even one to be taken again and again whenever desired. I really appreciate that, and please know that I have no expection whatsoever of you regarding how you spend your time. I wish you the best, in the name of all those silent observers who feel the same.
I meant to post this as a top level comment, I’m showing my inexperience already! My apologies, I reposted it but I can’t seem to delete this one.
I’m usually more of a silent observer than a vocal participant on the internet, but what you said about the persistent dread about people asking after book 3 hit me. It hit this sense of incomprehension I get every time I come accross these negative or demanding comments pointed your way. I can only imagine the pressure this puts on someone, even if it is about something you love.
I guess I finally thought enough is enough and I’ll add my voice to the sea of comments, just for the tiny chance that you read it and get something out of it. I’ve been meaning to do this for a while but I can imagine even positive comments about book 3 might spark that dread, so I kept quiet. But now that you addressed it yourself in this very blog, I guess there’s no harm.
Anyway, I meant to be concise but it looks like I’m following the trend of this blog post. I wanted to say that I’m really grateful. I don’t know if this new project will be for me or not, but regardless of what you do next I’ll always cherish the first two books (as well as some of your other works). If/when book three comes out I’ll be really excited, but even if at some point you were to declare it will never come, sure I’d be sad, but it wiould be the small sadness of a wish unfulfilled in contrast to the greater happiness of the gift already given in these first two books.
In short, to quote Sanderson (hope you don’t mind), Journey before Destination, and you’ve already given us one hell of a journey, even one to be taken again and again whenever desired. I really appreciate that, and please know that I have no expection whatsoever of you regarding how you spend your time. I wish you the best, in the name of all those silent observers who feel the same.
1) You rock.
2) I’m glad you have a name for it. Knowing means there’s a path ahead.
3) If anyone bothers you, legit, let me know. I’ll fold their clothes while they’re still wearing them.
Fun fact! I used to print Digger. Like it was my job along with printing other books. More specifically I was in charge of printing the covers and making sure the colors looked *just right*. We got reprint requests for it quite often so it must have sold fairly well. I left that job a few years ago and was surprised when I found out they were no longer printing it. I still have my set on the shelf but I’m thrilled that your Kickstarter did so well as I’d love to see books like these getting the recognition they deserve. And cheers to finding out you have ADHD and GAD as an adult, been there, done that. Hugs!
However you need to do whatever you need to do, when it works for you. Health, wellbeing, etc, so important.
Congratulations on the successful Kickstarter, and I will have to check it out. The discovery of something absolutely delightful like Digger sounds, might be most excellent for my mental health!
Quality control comment:
The title “The Boy the Loved the Moon” is probably not correct. Suggested edit is “The Boy that Loved the Moon”
Feel free to delete this comment if the post is edited.
Love you Pat, I’ve got your back
Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate. In my humble opinion is the best book about ADHD I have ever read. It held the key the made everything make sense.
Hey Pat, I’m a fan from Brazil, I’ve read your books in every language I know (only 3 for now, sadly) and I’m really inspired by your work.
I just wanted to say that I hope you’re doing well and, as much as I’d love to read book 3 yesterday, I much prefer the idea that my favorite author is in a good state of mind and living a healthy life.
You’re an inspiration to us all and your openess about your mental health is a service you provide for the comunity.
Sending love to you and yours.
Hi Pat.
Lifetime aqaintance of anxiety & depression here. Luckily my debilitating connection has subsided for various reasons. I very much wish the same for you. You want to know what one of the methods I still use is? Listening to your books (though I’m not partial to N.P.) regularly. And even though I am very much looking forward to D.o.S., I’d like it even better if you can finish it with minimal stress. It’s like how cookies taste slightly less better if they are made by someone who is moody while they are making them. I’m gonna go make some Salty Oats cookies and send you happy vibes.
Hello Pat,
Thank you for this lovely, intimate, beautiful blog post. I have type 2 bipolar disorder as well as cPTSD, and can relate to ups and downs. Anxiety and other mood disorders can be incredibly difficult to talk about, and I hope you’re proud of yourself/have achieved some sort of catharsis by putting words to your feelings.
Regarding Underthing Press, my goodness, how exciting!!!!!!! A question, though, is it only going to be reviving old out of print projects and putting out your own awesome stuff, or will Underthing be accepting manuscript submissions/holding contests for publication? Just curious :)
It’s hard to find the right combination of meds to make you feel “normal”, take it from me, I do know. I struggled through 3 years of finding them and it was *really hard* but worth the work in the long run. Best wishes to you Patrick
I love the tag ’emo bullshit, gave me a good chuckle.
The varied examples and anecdotes you wove in are wonderful. They really help ground your points and make them relatable.