Category Archives: talking shit

Fee Fie Faux

So I stumbled across this thing recently…

Even if you’re not a fan of Neil Gaiman, it’s worth watching. If you are a fan, it’s hugely funny. And if you’ve listened to Neil’s Audiobooks as much as I have (Which is to say obsessively) the above video is AMAZING.

My third time watching it, I started wondering, “Could we do something like this, but for my writing?”

At first I dismissed the thought as silly. For one thing, I don’t have Gaiman’s gorgeous voice and accent. I don’t think my writing style is as distinctive as his, either.

But the idea kept tickling at me. And the truth is, when I go to conventions, or events, or signings, I’m always looking for fun, bite-sized things I can read in front of a crowd.

So I’m finally saying “What the hell” and giving it a try. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t. But if it does work, this could be a lot of fun. I could read a couple on the JocoCruise next week, or when I’m out at Gencon. If nothing else, I’ll read the best of them on my twitch channel so everyone can see them, then upload them to youtube later for archival purposes.

So… yeah. If this is something that appeals to you, give me your best Bad Rothfuss style piece of writing in the form below. It should be NO MORE THAN 1800 characters (which is around 300 words).

I know. I know. How can you satirize my effluvient verbosity in only 300 words? Well… I don’t know. Maybe you’ll just have to pick some other element of my style to lovingly satirize. All I know is that if I don’t put a cap on these, we’ll end up with several hundred thousand words submitted and this will go from a fun little activity to a horrifying millstone around my neck. (And by my neck, I mean Amanda’s neck. Because she’s one of the folks who will be helping to winnow these down.)

Anyway. Be aware that the form is set to cut you off before you start to bloviate. What’s more, I let Amanda write her own sassy response that will pop up as an error if you go over the character count.

We’ve included a place in there for your name and e-mail, too. That way, I can give you credit if I read yours….

So… yeah. Here you go. I’m curious to see what comes in, and read some of them in my best audio narrator voice….

Take care of each other,


Also posted in Consistent Verb Tense Is For Bitches, cool things, dicking around, fanfic, the craft of writing, The difference between 'slim' and 'slender' | By Pat58 Responses

Just because it made me smile…

Found this floating around online and thought I’d share it. Kvothe memes are still a bit of novelty for me….

Kvothe - potter

Because there’s no watermark, I feel obliged to mention that the person who did the piece of art used on the lower half is Kim Kincaid.

That’s all,




Posted in talking shit | By Pat52 Responses

A question, a picture, a taunt, and a signing.

So when I posted the upcoming tour dates, people asked a bunch of really good questions in the comments of the blog.

Some of the questions were easy to answer. Like this one:

  • “Will you sign my Kindle?”


There. See how easy that was? Good question. Quick answer. Everyone wins.

On the other hand, some questions were harder to answer. Such as:

  • “Will you sign my nook?”

Um. That kinda depends. If you mean the e-reader. Then yeah. Sure.

If you mean something else…. Well. Then I’m not sure.

I think I’ll have to check with my PR people. And Sarah. And OSHA.

Seriously though. There were a *lot* of good questions. Some of them brought up issues I hadn’t even thought of yet.

So I need to do some research before I give you any answers. I don’t want to say one thing then change my answer later.

While I’m compiling the list of official answers, here’s a few things that might amuse you.

First, a picture I just re-discovered from the little mini-tour I took last March. I can’t remember if I ever got around to posting it before.

If you’re wondering what my events are like, this might give you a clue.

(Click to Embiggen)

At this particular signing, a lot of people wanted their pictures taken with me, but that was making the line move really slowly. I asked everyone if it wouldn’t be simpler to do a group photo instead, and it turned out there was a cool photographer with a great camera in among my readers.

About two thirds of the folks there wanted to be in the photo. This one was my favorite. We did a standard smiling one too. But that was boring, so we did a few more. The one where everyone made crazy eyes was my second favorite.

In other news, Brandon Sanderson seems to have taken umbrage at the tangible proof of my writing prowess. I wasn’t going to bring it up, but since he already twittered about it, there doesn’t seem to be any point in hiding the fact that the ARC for The Wise Man’s Fear is longer than the ARC for The Way of Kings.

Mind you, these are both the unedited advance copies of our respective works. What’s more, layout counts for a lot in these situations. So I wouldn’t dare imply that my book is, in fact, bigger than his. More majestic, perhaps. But bigger? No. I’d never claim that. That would be gauche.

Lastly, a quick reminder that I will be doing a reading/signing northern Michigan this upcoming Thursday (the 20th). Details here.


Also posted in a few words you're probably going to have to look up, appearances, Fanmail Q + A | By Pat62 Responses

What Should I do #7: New Authors

For the last couple months, I’ve been meaning to bring some books to your attention. I would think to myself: “Self, you should really mention this book to people your blog.”

But then I’d get busy. Or some time-sensitive piece of news would come up, like a book signing or making the New York Times list. Or I’d be distracted by something shiny, or edible, or both.

So, without further ado, here are some authors that you might not be aware of.

David Keck – In The Eye of Heaven.

I read David Keck’s book couple years back and really enjoyed it, but there is a caveat: This is not your typical fantasy novel.

We all know most fantasy novels are set in fairly generic medieval settings. The world Keck creates is different. His world is dark ages. Mankind is not on the top of the food chain, and the world is full of dangerous, mythic forces that are not to be fucked with.

At the same time the story remains very realistic. I don’t think I’ve ever read another book that does a better job of depicting the real hardships of a mercenary knight in the dark ages. His description of an injured knight going to a dentist was delightfully spot-on.

Keck’s writing style is unique as well. His descriptions are brief, almost poetic in places. Very different than the long, ponderous description that is common with so many fantasy novels these days. To use an artistic analogy: this book is more like a Monet painting than a photograph.

Because of this, the story feels almost dreamlike at times, as the main character moves back and forth between the harsh realities of tournament combat and strange dealings with otherworldly powers. I think this element of Keck’s writing caught a lot of readers unprepared, and let to some unfair reviews of his work. You don’t bitch because a Monet painting is blurry. It’s supposed to be that way, that’s the effect the artist was trying to achieve….

The second book in Keck’s series came out fairly recently (In a Time of Treason). But starting a series with the second book is not civilized behavior, and people who do it go to the special hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theater.

Anyway, I really enjoyed liked it. But be warned: This is not your typical fantasy novel.

Anton Strout – Dead to Me.

As a fellow fantasy author and one of the founding members of the League of Reluctant Adults, you would think that Anton Strout would be my friend. In fact, it would be reasonable for you to assume that he has my respect and admiration.

However, nothing could be further from the truth. Strout is, among other things, my mortal enemy. The sordid details of our long-standing feud are multifarious, and I cannot in good conscience list them in a blog that children might read.

Suffice to say that I have many worthwhile reasons to scorn the man, none of which have to do with the fact that he seems to have more luck with the ladies than I do. Nevertheless, I am a gentleman, so I’ll mention his book here. Just to show that I am the better person.

I have not read his first book myself, for obvious reasons, but I’ve heard others say good things. They say that it’s urban fantasy with a strong comic twist. Charline Harris gave him a glowing blurb, so if you like her stuff, you might like his too.

Jim Hines – Goblin Quest.

One of my favorite things is when fantasy authors play with the conventions of the genre. Joss Whedon, of course, is the champion of this. The whole premise of Buffy the Vampire Slayer starts with the question, “What if that ditsy, helpless blond who gets killed in the horror movie actually kicked some ass instead of running away then falling down?”

Hines is good at playing this game too, except he asks a different question: “What do Goblins do when they’re not getting killed by adventurers?”

These are fun books. They’re lighthearted, humorous, and have some good storytelling to boot. Best of all, Hines takes the time to actually create a well-developed world for the stories to take place in, complete with a fresh cosmology, and a unique goblin culture.

Added bonus? Hines has written the next two books in the series: Goblin Hero and Goblin War. They’re already in print, so you don’t have to wait to read the rest of the series, unlike… um… some other authors. Who will remain nameless.

I think I’ll stop at three. If you want more, you can always check out my previous recommendations by clicking on the “recommendations” label down below. Elegant in its simplicity, isn’t it?

Later all,


Also posted in Joss Whedon, recommendations | By Pat19 Responses
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